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- I'm not trying to not meet other people, but the end up being very few and far and in between who align with my political and societal feelings. Mostly are men, which even though I have to identify as a cis male I never feel that comfortable around.
- My family and I have fractured to the point where I don't have an emergency contact anymore, and will probably not be invited to Thanksgiving or Christmas dinner. I have to eat it - the breaking point of that situation was me walking away yelling from the phone and punching through a wall. (Sheet rock).
= I have a shit therapist and no one in nyc that is going to help me find a new therapist. So listening to other people's thoughts helps because I do try harder than most people think to keep balance and deal with this.
= I'm noticing that I talk to myself more at work to the point, where people think I'm talking to them. It's because when I'm home - I usually use my vocal chords for 30 minutes tops? One roommate who sometimes when I'm supplying them weed I can have a discussion.... but otherwise I'm just silent in my room.
I have to repeat this because people without mental issues don't get it... I AM Reaching out... people just don't have time for me. Which at 37, basically alone, is painful. Not screwdriver in a finger painful, like your chest in constant paranoia and you working to just keep it settled. I am reaching out
I'm sorry friend. My advice is to find some groups that meet close to you. There's a great ACA (ACOA) group that meets there and I listen to their podcast/recordings titled "Tuesday Toolbox" - it's my therapy until I can find a therapist locally. Groups like that who are centered on support for mental health issues seem to be a good place to go for that give and take.
They can be great places to meet folks in your area too who have some understanding of what you are going though.
Finding a therapist can be hard but just trying a few, without thinking too much about it might help.
Post by man1cpixiedreamgirl on Nov 8, 2022 8:54:48 GMT -5
I don’t normally dump in here because despite my hot takes, I’m not a big feelings sharer online. But y’all are good people and may even have some hot takes for me.
I keep having dreams about my ex wife. The dream circumstances vary but they all wind up with me waking up feeling confused, guilty, and feeling like I’m supposed to reach out (we haven’t spoken in a LONG time, since the lockdown started in March 2020, to check in about safety). We’re friends on social media but neither one of us posts so I have no idea what she’s up to beyond being alive in Crown Heights (brooklyn).
But I can’t imagine anything I can say or do would be good for me. But then why am I having her all up in my subconscious? What if she’s sick? What if she’s fine? Also “end of the world” feelings make me want to reach out.
I don’t normally dump in here because despite my hot takes, I’m not a big feelings sharer online. But y’all are good people and may even have some hot takes for me.
I keep having dreams about my ex wife. The dream circumstances vary but they all wind up with me waking up feeling confused, guilty, and feeling like I’m supposed to reach out (we haven’t spoken in a LONG time, since the lockdown started in March 2020, to check in about safety). We’re friends on social media but neither one of us posts so I have no idea what she’s up to beyond being alive in Crown Heights (brooklyn).
But I can’t imagine anything I can say or do would be good for me. But then why am I having her all up in my subconscious? What if she’s sick? What if she’s fine? Also “end of the world” feelings make me want to reach out.
Just a total shot in the dark, here, but could it be possible that you associate your ex with certain feelings or emotions, and that you're experiencing those things in some capacity in another part of your life, but your brain is dredging up imagery of her because of the association? So, like what your subconscious is trying to address isn't anything literally about your ex, but rather those thoughts or feelings, and your ex's appearance in the dreams is just a byproduct?
I don't know. Some of what I've read on dreams says the imagery in them can work that way. No idea if that's how things are for you, but just putting it out there.
Do you want to dance while also thinking about all the ways you've failed as a human?
UPCOMING SHOWS 5/14 - Neil Young & Crazy Horse @ Forest Hills 6/8 and maybe 6/9 - Governors Ball 8/17 - King Gizzard & the Lizard Wizard @ Forest Hills 9/4 - Pearl Jam @ MSG 9/7 - Pearl Jam @ Wells Fargo Center 9/11 - St. Vincent @ Brooklyn Paramount
I don’t normally dump in here because despite my hot takes, I’m not a big feelings sharer online. But y’all are good people and may even have some hot takes for me.
I keep having dreams about my ex wife. The dream circumstances vary but they all wind up with me waking up feeling confused, guilty, and feeling like I’m supposed to reach out (we haven’t spoken in a LONG time, since the lockdown started in March 2020, to check in about safety). We’re friends on social media but neither one of us posts so I have no idea what she’s up to beyond being alive in Crown Heights (brooklyn).
But I can’t imagine anything I can say or do would be good for me. But then why am I having her all up in my subconscious? What if she’s sick? What if she’s fine? Also “end of the world” feelings make me want to reach out.
Just a total shot in the dark, here, but could it be possible that you associate your ex with certain feelings or emotions, and that you're experiencing those things in some capacity in another part of your life, but your brain is dredging up imagery of her because of the association? So, like what your subconscious is trying to address isn't anything literally about your ex, but rather those thoughts or feelings, and your ex's appearance in the dreams is just a byproduct?
I don't know. Some of what I've read on dreams says the imagery in them can work that way. No idea if that's how things are for you, but just putting it out there.
Hm, I’ll have to think on it. It’s very complicated & layered. I don’t know, maybe like feeling like a failure in some ways? That relationship was so catastrophic, I always feel guilty and sad about it. I’m not actively depressed, and I really don’t wanna spiral about it. But also it’s dark at 4:30 now soooooo
Post by LoveLuckLaughter on Nov 8, 2022 12:17:55 GMT -5
I think Jorge makes a good point about dreams there, and one that I will take into consideration in the future too.
But if you are thinking you should reach out...Are you afraid a short text from you would send you spiraling or her or both? Are you thinking enough time hasn't past yet so that some of those emotions have lost their sharp edges enough to allow a "hello" to be tolerated or maybe even welcomed? I think for a lot of people, given enough space and time in between and regardless of how it ended, it is nice to know that we are still thought of or remembered fondly inspite of the circumstances. And sometimes it makes us feel better as well, to relieve whatever may be building there in a small, benign way. Like a meme that may remind you of them and saying "I thought you may like this. Hope you are well", or "This made me think of that time that we....Hope things are going okay for you". It doesn't have to go beyond that or dredge up any negative emotions if it is left short and non-threatening but it does open the door for her to say "No, I'm not doing well, I have been sick", or what have you.
I guess the flipside there is it could open up things beyond that if she continues the conversation and things aren't well. When you weigh out that possibility are you comfortable with that?
I am not a "religious" person, but want to believe in something bigger than myself so I have ventured down a lot of spiritual roads. I once hung out with someone who told me that those little feelings we have to "do" are "the spirit moving you". I don't believe it in THAT sense, but try to take a broader understanding of that into consideration when I start to have dreams about someone or thoughts or feelings to reach out or say something or share how I feel. Or even when I have a thought or feeling like I should stop and help someone on the side of the road or buy a homeless person a pair of shoes or what have you. If I have this inner calling to do or say something out of the blue, I figure there is a reason for it. Like something is moving me that way for a reason. For them, or for my own growth. Because something is unresolved. Or maybe because it would be nice to have that person back in my life in some capacity, if possible, because I miss them and their absence has left a void. I never know what it means or why, but try to roll with it and see what happens next. Not sure if that resonates with your concern that something may be signaling you?
TLDR: I think it is nice to tell people you are thinking about them when you are as long as it isn't likely to fuck anyone up. Life is short and difficult.
We're all a mess of paradoxes. Believing in things we know can't be true. We walk around carrying feelings too complicated and contradictory to express. But when it all becomes too big, and words aren't enough to help get it all out, there's always music.
I don’t normally dump in here because despite my hot takes, I’m not a big feelings sharer online. But y’all are good people and may even have some hot takes for me.
I keep having dreams about my ex wife. The dream circumstances vary but they all wind up with me waking up feeling confused, guilty, and feeling like I’m supposed to reach out (we haven’t spoken in a LONG time, since the lockdown started in March 2020, to check in about safety). We’re friends on social media but neither one of us posts so I have no idea what she’s up to beyond being alive in Crown Heights (brooklyn).
But I can’t imagine anything I can say or do would be good for me. But then why am I having her all up in my subconscious? What if she’s sick? What if she’s fine? Also “end of the world” feelings make me want to reach out.
Just a total shot in the dark, here, but could it be possible that you associate your ex with certain feelings or emotions, and that you're experiencing those things in some capacity in another part of your life, but your brain is dredging up imagery of her because of the association? So, like what your subconscious is trying to address isn't anything literally about your ex, but rather those thoughts or feelings, and your ex's appearance in the dreams is just a byproduct?
I don't know. Some of what I've read on dreams says the imagery in them can work that way. No idea if that's how things are for you, but just putting it out there.
I have dreams similar to these, man1cpixiedreamgirl about an equally toxic and wonderful relationship from over three years ago and find myself wanting to check in on him. The last one was where I ran into him and his GF but he was very haggard and unable to walk unassisted.
The pattern I've found is that they happen when my life is calm. I'm not sure if it's my brain overreacting and looking for the next crisis (as often happened in our relationship) or my brain trying to trick me into creating chaos in my life again, just to spice things up.
TLDR: I think it is nice to tell people you are thinking about them when you are as long as it isn't likely to fuck anyone up. Life is short and difficult.
Thanks for this. I always get nervous that my feelings put me in bad situations, especially when there's a feeling of loss and obligation.
We're all a mess of paradoxes. Believing in things we know can't be true. We walk around carrying feelings too complicated and contradictory to express. But when it all becomes too big, and words aren't enough to help get it all out, there's always music.
Post by man1cpixiedreamgirl on Nov 9, 2022 14:41:39 GMT -5
I walked this through with my therapist today & it helped. But it made me think of a fun question:
What’s a song that perfectly describes your worst breakup / end of relationship?
Mine wasn’t discovered til a couple years after our separation, but “Night Shift” by Lucy Dacus feels the most accurate. Every time I hear it, I’m right back there.
I walked this through with my therapist today & it helped. But it made me think of a fun question:
What’s a song that perfectly describes your worst breakup / end of relationship?
Mine wasn’t discovered til a couple years after our separation, but “Night Shift” by Lucy Dacus feels the most accurate. Every time I hear it, I’m right back there.
Because it was entirely my fault, I did some terrible shit, and looking back, I am shocked by the fact, and hate, that I was the type of person who could be OK with acting the way I did.
Do you want to dance while also thinking about all the ways you've failed as a human?
UPCOMING SHOWS 5/14 - Neil Young & Crazy Horse @ Forest Hills 6/8 and maybe 6/9 - Governors Ball 8/17 - King Gizzard & the Lizard Wizard @ Forest Hills 9/4 - Pearl Jam @ MSG 9/7 - Pearl Jam @ Wells Fargo Center 9/11 - St. Vincent @ Brooklyn Paramount
I walked this through with my therapist today & it helped. But it made me think of a fun question:
What’s a song that perfectly describes your worst breakup / end of relationship?
Mine wasn’t discovered til a couple years after our separation, but “Night Shift” by Lucy Dacus feels the most accurate. Every time I hear it, I’m right back there.
Because it was entirely my fault, I did some terrible shit, and looking back, I am shocked by the fact, and hate, that I was the type of person who could be OK with acting the way I did.
That's a rough song. I hope that was a long time ago and you've been able to forgive / be forgiven in some way.
I walked this through with my therapist today & it helped. But it made me think of a fun question:
What’s a song that perfectly describes your worst breakup / end of relationship?
Mine wasn’t discovered til a couple years after our separation, but “Night Shift” by Lucy Dacus feels the most accurate. Every time I hear it, I’m right back there.
For me it's Breezeblocks by alt-J. Joey was the first serious relationship I had with a guy and perhaps the first person I truly loved. The relationship lasted almost a year exactly but by then he was rightfully done with my dramatic and borderline emotionally abusive bullshit (I'm a better person now but had unexamined codependent tendencies then, and my dad's death that year really amplified them). When we broke it up it was my first time experiencing the somatic entanglement of loss and I remember writhing in bed with the lyrics "please don't go please don't go, I love you so I love you so" playing on repeat in my head. It was intense, and a flashbulb memory for me. So it's less about the song about the meaning of the song as much as the association it has for me.
Tangentially related thoughts:
Dreams are weird. We really don't know why we dream but I hold the view that it's largely like defragmenting a hard drive and putting memories and other things to be processed in their proper places. If something is recurring in a dream, there's probably something there to look into; couldn't tell ya what though.
I had a pretty interesting realization last night that a significant amount of the pain I experienced after my breakup with Allie last year (5 year relationship, I ended it), was not just the loss of her and the relationship but the pain of so much time spent ignoring my own needs, wants, and values. (That might seem to fly in the face of my claim of having worked through codependency issues but y'all'll just have to trust that's not what was going on here - it was more about habit and routine and comfort than needing someone else to complete me). I know I'm one to hold onto relationships too long but it's only now that I'm on the other side of it - and have done more emotional growth in the past year than perhaps at any other point in my life - that I recognize the true cost of that. Really though the reason it's so interesting to me is that usually I'll look for the lesson in an experience and try to live by what I've learned, but in this case I've already been living out the lesson for months and it's only now that it put itself into words.
Life really is too short to be anything but happy, and while I can say that I'm immensely happy with my life right now, there is a fledgling relationship starting to bloom with someone and it'll be interesting to see myself navigate it as the person I am now - it almost feels like learning how to date all over again. I feel like I'm a teenager again, but with twenty extra years of experience relating and communicating in my toolbox. It's exhilarating.
5.5/four tet, daphni b2b floating points, avalon emerson 5.12/neil young 5.19/mannequin pussy 5.21/serpentwithfeet 5.25/hozier 6.12-16/bonnaroo 6.28/goose 6.29/goose 9.17/the national + the war on drugs 9.23/sigur ros 9.27-29/making time 10.17/air
I walked this through with my therapist today & it helped. But it made me think of a fun question:
What’s a song that perfectly describes your worst breakup / end of relationship?
Mine wasn’t discovered til a couple years after our separation, but “Night Shift” by Lucy Dacus feels the most accurate. Every time I hear it, I’m right back there.
For me it's Breezeblocks by alt-J. Joey was the first serious relationship I had with a guy and perhaps the first person I truly loved. The relationship lasted almost a year exactly but by then he was rightfully done with my dramatic and borderline emotionally abusive bullshit (I'm a better person now but had unexamined codependent tendencies then, and my dad's death that year really amplified them). When we broke it up it was my first time experiencing the somatic entanglement of loss and I remember writhing in bed with the lyrics "please don't go please don't go, I love you so I love you so" playing on repeat in my head. It was intense, and a flashbulb memory for me. So it's less about the song about the meaning of the song as much as the association it has for me.
Tangentially related thoughts:
Dreams are weird. We really don't know why we dream but I hold the view that it's largely like defragmenting a hard drive and putting memories and other things to be processed in their proper places. If something is recurring in a dream, there's probably something there to look into; couldn't tell ya what though.
I had a pretty interesting realization last night that a significant amount of the pain I experienced after my breakup with Allie last year (5 year relationship, I ended it), was not just the loss of her and the relationship but the pain of so much time spent ignoring my own needs, wants, and values. (That might seem to fly in the face of my claim of having worked through codependency issues but y'all'll just have to trust that's not what was going on here - it was more about habit and routine and comfort than needing someone else to complete me). I know I'm one to hold onto relationships too long but it's only now that I'm on the other side of it - and have done more emotional growth in the past year than perhaps at any other point in my life - that I recognize the true cost of that. Really though the reason it's so interesting to me is that usually I'll look for the lesson in an experience and try to live by what I've learned, but in this case I've already been living out the lesson for months and it's only now that it put itself into words.
Life really is too short to be anything but happy, and while I can say that I'm immensely happy with my life right now, there is a fledgling relationship starting to bloom with someone and it'll be interesting to see myself navigate it as the person I am now - it almost feels like learning how to date all over again. I feel like I'm a teenager again, but with twenty extra years of experience relating and communicating in my toolbox. It's exhilarating.
Breaking away from co-dependency is such a bitch, and being true to yourself is harder than people give it credit for. Good for you!
I walked this through with my therapist today & it helped. But it made me think of a fun question:
What’s a song that perfectly describes your worst breakup / end of relationship?
Mine wasn’t discovered til a couple years after our separation, but “Night Shift” by Lucy Dacus feels the most accurate. Every time I hear it, I’m right back there.
For me, I think it would be Tyler Childer's Deadman's Curve. While it is likely about loving someone with an addiction it perfectly sums up the end of a relationship that lasted two years. We were so very good together for a good long while. A few months after we started dating one of his biggest dreams was realized - he was offered a contract to write a book.
He disclosed at the beginning of the relationship that he was diagnosed as Bipolar and had been suicidal at times. He told me about his time in hospitals and that he knew that taking his medication religiously was the most important part of not only him staying alive, but keeping the manic and depressive episodes under control. For the first nine months or so, he took his medication every morning, and though he had tough spells, they seemed manageable.
As his deadline to submit parts of the book to the editor drew nearer, things began to change. He mentioned that previously, all his best writing had been during manic episodes, and a short while after that mention, he started to get irrationally angry often his whole personality changed. He told me he needed time to write, so I made plans to give him space, visiting Ecuador for two weeks and going to fests and on trips with my friends. Then, it turned into I was abandoning him, and that stress was making him unable to write. He would disappear for days and then come up with some wild story about where he had been. He would tell me none of my friends really liked me and he didn't like my friends, then threaten to kill himself when I went to hang with them or insist he come along and then make a fool of himself.
During one of our breakups, I requested that we start therapy if we wanted to continue the relationship. It wasn't all him, it was me too. Prior to our relationship together, I had been in a terrible relationship with lots of gaslighting and my ex cheating, and he was just out of a relationship where he was the cheater. With him disappearing for days and going radio silent, my past relationship trauma compounded an already bad situation.
While all this was going on, I was in my last year of nursing school, working two jobs, and being a mom. I felt like I was doing everything I could to keep us afloat but the weight was too much. I broke up with him a week before I started my first job as a nurse, which was incredibly hard and lonely. I felt as though I was swimming in a storm but someone wasn't on my back constantly trying to pull me under. I still think about him often and truth be told miss the good times, but I'd rather be alone forever than go back into something like that again.
I reckon if I chose to stay It'd be better for a few more days But it the end it always rains And honey, you can cause a storm
But I'm tired and soakin' wet And hunkered over trying to catch my breath Broke my back and did my best To hold you through the shakes
But it's hard to keep floatin' on foundered dream You're takin' in water at crazy speed How can I get to the shore on time If you won't keep afloat?
My heart was never much on games Let alone the ones you play I've only got one, and it's already broken So why you wanna throw it around?
I walked this through with my therapist today & it helped. But it made me think of a fun question:
What’s a song that perfectly describes your worst breakup / end of relationship?
Mine wasn’t discovered til a couple years after our separation, but “Night Shift” by Lucy Dacus feels the most accurate. Every time I hear it, I’m right back there.
The Wolves by Bon Iver. My last relationship was a really intense one. I think it was honestly the first time I ever fell in love. I dated this person from June of 2020 til around march of 2021. It was the most cliche build up, going on nature walks together, coming back to their apartment, they invited me in for dinner. We originally had agreed to be friends and only friends because they had dated one of my former best friends. But one night we smoked together, they laid their head down on my lap, and asked me to play with their hair. one thing led to another and we ended up sleeping together.
i spent most of the pandemic with them. most days we would spend the evening. Cooking dinner together, watching studio ghibli films, going on little hikes. it was just so… perfect. Eventually, we started to grow apart, we werent having sex as much, the spark just dissipated. They said that they arent too sure if they could see themself spending longer than a year with anyone they dated. on our last day together, they asked me if id be cool if they did onlyfans and i said i wasnt comfortable.
They broke up with me then and there but it seemed like they just wanted a reason. I left in a stupor, just the most awful mental state i hadever been in. Admittedly i begged to get them back but eventually went no contact. slept with a bunch of people on tinder, which thankfully led to my current partner. It certainly was codependent and unhealthy towards the end but i’ll admit sometimes i really really miss them. And i feel guilty because i love my current partner but sometimes i just get lost in what could have been. Which leads me to why I chose this song, “what might have been lost…”
Last Edit: Nov 10, 2022 0:20:07 GMT -5 by Deleted - Back to Top
I'm going a different direction with this one - shout out to the dreams situation, where I've already said that I have a regular nightmares and unregular sleep.
But this is two songs from the same artist that helped me get through the last break up I had (I guess it's been 6 years now?) One explains where my mindset went and where it probably was because of the work I was doing and the losing friends in NJ while moving to NY prior to that relationship. I hope this is acceptable.
Trapped, no shield, no sword The unbeaten path got my soul so sore Allured by the lust, something money can't cure The Devil want me as is, but God he want more Eyes closed, eyes open, great another day, here we go Like a n---a woke up late in The Truman Show Living life without a care, mean pokerface But I'm forced to play solitaire till I get up out of here Move like a wanted man with a bounty on his head Work alone, sleep alone, eat alone, daily bread Counting till my fingers red, how you gon' judge a man Walking in the shoes of a man with a broken leg? Flame on the trail headed for the powder keg Last place in the race I ain't never led Like I ain't never bled, time to get up out of bed Serving in the army of one, it's on again Walk alone, I walk alone, you know I walk it alone I always been on my own, ever since the day I born So I don't mind walking alone
This is a song released earlier that already was in my life, and explained the moment of loss better than I could.
Last Edit: Nov 10, 2022 8:25:08 GMT -5 by Deleted - Back to Top
I told myself I wasn't gonna be the type that openly made cries for help, but yeah today's gonna be that day.
My ex-gf left me 13 months ago. I was never good enough for her. Nothing was ever enough for her. Then she walked away, the only one I ever loved. And now she has a new boyfriend. One who she's actually bringing around her fam in 2 months rather than 8 (like with me).
She is having dinner with my mom tonight...
I'm pretty sure my life is meant to be alone and in anguish, until I finally just give up. Nothing is ever going my way. I have temporary moments of happiness, and then go back to a shitty harsh reality that everything fucking sucks and nobody cares. Nobody wants the real LD. Nobody wants the fake LD that tries to make everyone happy. It's only a matter of time before this girl I'm now seeing realizes I'm a worthless POS and walks away.
This song from The Soft Moon keeps playing over and over in my head this morning -
Take me far away To escape myself Cos I was born to suffer It kills my mind It kills me inside Happens all the time Every time I try to fight This life gets harder every time And it kills my mind It kills me inside It kills me outside
Last Edit: Nov 10, 2022 8:41:45 GMT -5 by LD - Back to Top
When I was in my early teens, I was told that because of autism - people wouldn't understand me or relate to me. That I needed to go to college and become an accountant - because I could work by myself and not be around people. That I'd make a bunch of money, then give some of that back to the family.
When I was in my early teens, I was told that I needed to accept Jesus. That God is love, and outside of that and family - nothing else really mattered.
When I was in my early teens, I wished I was someone else. Someone different. Someone that I can never be.
How can anyone else care about me, when I don't even care about myself? How can I be loved when I don't love myself? How can a loving God exist when I live in mental torture?
When I was in my early teens, I was told that because of autism - people wouldn't understand me or relate to me. That I needed to go to college and become an accountant - because I could work by myself and not be around people. That I'd make a bunch of money, then give some of that back to the family.
When I was in my early teens, I was told that I needed to accept Jesus. That God is love, and outside of that and family - nothing else really mattered.
When I was in my early teens, I wished I was someone else. Someone different. Someone that I can never be.
How can anyone else care about me, when I don't even care about myself? How can I be loved when I don't love myself? How can a loving God exist when I live in mental torture?
1 and 2. You are right.. dude I don't even love myself the way that's necessary for our friend group - but I'm aware of the reasons and like disabilities/differing abilities - it's systemically injured thinking. You have to be over aware that you are torturing yourself, and like yourself I had to go through a break up to even work on that as a person. I was very angry because I couldn't identify WHY I was angry and depressed - through both the break up and already going to therapy I could see where they aligned. 3. Do you BELIEVE in a loving God that allows things to happen as they should, or do you believe that you have to believe in a God aligned with that thinking? Even from an academic level that's something to think about
LD. You have straight up been on more dates than I have in 4 years. Why do you think you are failing anyone or any idealism when they haven't told you the truth: your autism is your gift. I watched you hang out and integrate into a great group of people. I have stories now with you. You were lied to.
We're all a mess of paradoxes. Believing in things we know can't be true. We walk around carrying feelings too complicated and contradictory to express. But when it all becomes too big, and words aren't enough to help get it all out, there's always music.
We're all a mess of paradoxes. Believing in things we know can't be true. We walk around carrying feelings too complicated and contradictory to express. But when it all becomes too big, and words aren't enough to help get it all out, there's always music.
We're all a mess of paradoxes. Believing in things we know can't be true. We walk around carrying feelings too complicated and contradictory to express. But when it all becomes too big, and words aren't enough to help get it all out, there's always music.
Post by LoveLuckLaughter on Nov 11, 2022 13:52:20 GMT -5
I have been starting to make huge mental health mistakes over the last 4 weeks or so, with COVID severely worsening it all, and I can see the slide down the slope. I am feeling overwhelmed in correcting course. So I am saying it out loud to provide myself with accountability. I get pretty seasonal as is, and am headed for a full on bed-in if I don’t get my shit together.
1) sleeping or staying in bed until 1pm when the sun sets at 4:30. Ooof. 2) the only vegetable I have had lately was the arugula on my pizza. Have gained 5lbs. Very unhealthy eating. 3) have not worked out in a month. 4) previously drank 1/2-1 gallon of water daily. Currently drinking 1L at best. 5) grumpy 6) have not started or finished projects and hobbies. 7) am not taking medicines and supplements daily 8) increasing alcohol consumption over the last 2 weeks in comparison to last month. 9) isolating/not contacting friends to hangout. 10) not applying makeup, creams, or changing clothes. Poor self-care. 11) falling asleep on the sofa with the television on. Not following healthy routines. 12) negative thinking and self-chastising for normal human thoughts and emotions. 13) not completing chores.
I didn’t frame those very well. Probably should have stated them as forward thinking, positive goals for change. But these are the bare bones of it.
Today I will increase my fluid intake to at least 48oz, look for an activity that involves socializing, have at least one healthy meal and go outside and sit on the porch before sunset.
We're all a mess of paradoxes. Believing in things we know can't be true. We walk around carrying feelings too complicated and contradictory to express. But when it all becomes too big, and words aren't enough to help get it all out, there's always music.
LoveLuckLaughter I've been committing many of those errors myself over the past few weeks. Just feeling kind of bleh and allowing it to become perpetual and permeate through multiple areas of my life. Finally got back in the gym yesterday (I've been a couple times over the last month but not with any consistency). Still eating like shit, though. Was pretty productive at work today. There's a couple crafty type things I'm going to be deliberate about getting rolling this weekend that I've been putting off for a long time. We got this, just need to be intentional about doing the things that are important to us and taking it day by day.
LoveLuckLaughter I've been committing many of those errors myself over the past few weeks. Just feeling kind of bleh and allowing it to become perpetual and permeate through multiple areas of my life. Finally got back in the gym yesterday (I've been a couple times over the last month but not with any consistency). Still eating like shit, though. Was pretty productive at work today. There's a couple crafty type things I'm going to be deliberate about getting rolling this weekend that I've been putting off for a long time. We got this, just need to be intentional about doing the things that are important to us and taking it day by day.
We're all a mess of paradoxes. Believing in things we know can't be true. We walk around carrying feelings too complicated and contradictory to express. But when it all becomes too big, and words aren't enough to help get it all out, there's always music.
Do you find them cryptic or pretty upfront and aligned with your anxieties?
aligned to my anxieties, but always specifically about the topic of everyone trying to get away from me permanently
the scenarios vary greatly, and I often sleep in the afternoon because I don't seem to dream during that time period
I think you said that these started or at least got worse after the subway. Kind of sounds like what Jorge was talking about maybe? That a recent anxiety inducing incident triggered other similar anxieties. In this instance I see a possible parallel with the feelings of being alone and vulnerable?
We're all a mess of paradoxes. Believing in things we know can't be true. We walk around carrying feelings too complicated and contradictory to express. But when it all becomes too big, and words aren't enough to help get it all out, there's always music.
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