You use Calvin Klien’s new aftershave, but don’t really care for the aftertaste.
You refer to your mouth as your “booze hole.”
You wish bartenders would spend more time ‘tending’ and less time ‘barring.’
The first thing you say when you walk in a bar is, “I’m not still 86’d, am I?”
You’d go to Mass more often if they weren’t so stingy with the wine.
When you were in high school you had a poster of W.C. Fields on your bedroom wall.
You drank ten bottles of wine last week and didn’t need a corkscrew once.
You prefer Hamm’s and eggs for breakfast, minus the eggs.
The rotgut whiskey you buy is so disgusting you have to drink the first half the bottle just so you’ll be drunk enough to put up with the taste of the second half.
Whenever someone starts reading a bottle of Jack Daniels you say, “Quit cheating!”
You don’t sniff the cork, you chew it.
Your career is interfering with your drinking.
You get so drunk Bud Light starts tasting like beer.
You read this magazine until you fall asleep, then use it as a blanket.
You heard you get drunker at higher altitudes so you always drink on top of the dumpster.
Your alarm clock is a garbage truck.
You’ve worked out a devious plot to steal Einstein’s brain. So you can drink the alcohol it’s stored in.
You masturbate to the liquor ads in Playboy.
You show up at the flu clinic to investigate rumors of "free shots."
You have a born-on date tattooed on your beer gut.
You hold a bottle of hair spray and say, "Man, if you were ice cold."
You're addressed by three separate liquor store owners as "the guy who paid for my houseboat."
You often confuse the word breakfast with Bloody Marys, i.e., "What are we going to have for Bloody Marys this morning?"
You know that liquor is especially tasty when it comes from the secret hiding place in your roommates's closet.
You can, in a pinch, construct a fully-operational keg tap from a cigarette lighter, two clothespins and lots of love.
You get in a heated conversation with your barstool neighbor about the proper way to vomit from a moving vehicle.
At 2am you proclaim, "The party ain't over until the fat lady says no!"
You need a cosigner to open a bar tab.
The monkey on your back is in rehab.
You know that, with a bouncer's assistance, man in capable of short-term flight.
You have recurring dream you're hired by the Guinness\Playboy Research foundation to prove twenty pints a day improves your sex life.
You often take your lover for romantic strolls among the picturesque aisles of liquor superstores.
You will eat a bug for a shot.
You know wine is mentioned in the Bible over 250 times. Perrier? Not once!
You have strained cigarette-butt infested beer through your teeth.
You consider 3.2 beer on Sunday as Uncle Sam's cruel taunt.
You can hear someone whisper "free beer" from three blocks away.
You know the heartbreak of watching the bartender dump the spill tray.
You call the bartending academy, inquiring as to what they do with their mistakes.
You refer to your refrigerator as "the stand-up beer cooler."
You give directions with liquor stores and bars the the major landmarks, i.e., "You'll pass Argonaut's Liquors on the left and Scooter's on the right, then turn right on the street between the Satire Lounge and the Lion's Lair, then continue until you see the tree that looks like a huge martini glass."
You think vomiting is the body's way of making room for the next round.
The first thing you look for on a wine label is the alcohol content.
You consider Aqua Velvet a daring after-hours liqueur.
You recognize last call as a secret signal that all unattended drinks are fair game.
When someone says "expensive wine," you think "gallon jug."
Post by kozmikbunny on May 20, 2004 12:58:49 GMT -5
you guys can't be that much of a drunk because you have hand eye coordination enough to be typing all that sh1t and you are pretty creative.. unless you read it from a book or just copy pasted it.. then your just lazy hahahaha
Organized religion destroys who we are by inhibiting our actions... by inhibiting our decisions, out of... out of fear of some... some intangible parent figure who... who shakes a finger at us from thousands of years ago and says... and says, "Do it - Do it and I'll fu(kin' spank you."