How To Survive A Wook Attack/Outbreak

Let's face it, with the constant advances in science and technology, waking up on the first morning of Bonnaroo to discover three-quarters of the population on the farm dominated by wooks doesn't seem as far-fetched as it used to. The possibility of a wook attack seems more likely than ever. When that fateful day arrives you will want to make sure you're prepared to not only defend yourself against them, but to survive.

Wooks are the stuff nightmares are made of. These half-rotten bodies approach your tent and overwhelm your personal space with a disturbing odor. Since human decency and self-respect is what separates you from a wook, keeping that intact is one of the most critical parts to surviving a wook attack. You know what happens if they get you; you succumb to their mangy, malnourished, free loading ways. Nobody wants that.

Surviving a wook attack isn't going to be easy, but with a cool head, the right tools and a good plan, you can tilt the odds in your favor.

Step 1: Preparing for the Inevitable

Your friends at your campsite will probably laugh at you when they find out you're preparing a plan to face wooks head on, but Benjamin Franklin once said, "An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure." Applying Franklin's advice to the possibility of a wook outbreak will not only set you well on your way to survival, but you'll also have a chance to play the hero when your unprepared friends come running.

Here's how you can make sure you're ready in the event of an outbreak:

1) Study as much as you can about wook outbreaks so you are able to recognize one as early as possible.
2) Map the quickest routes to safe areas on the farm such as public showers or the VIP section, areas wooks stay away from (or can't afford).
3) Since wooks are easily subdued by hygiene products, keep body soaps and sprays on hand.
4) Scope out the stages/tents, porto-potties, and tent only camping areas and know their entrances and exits.
5) Get yourself a firearm and learn how to use it.
6) Remember the only way to stop a wook target with a firearm is with a bullet to the brain, so practice, practice, practice!
7) If possible, stockpile ammunition because you're going to need a lot of it.
8) Put together a wook attack care-kit that includes things like batteries, flashlights, canned goods, an emergency radio and first aid kit.

Step 2: Know Your Enemy

No matter what kind of attack you face it is an essential battle strategy to know your enemy as well as you know yourself. As dirty creatures, wooks are a unique enemy. People often make the mistake of not taking them seriously because of their physical appearance and limitations. Familiarize yourself with the different types of wooks. Recognition will make it easier to assess the threat so you are able to properly defend yourself.

The Types of Wooks:

1) Reggae Loving Wooks: These animated dread locked weirdos are the most harmless type of wooks, since they seem the most overly drugged. Controlled by the Rastafarian Gods, they may try to ruin your festival experience if that is what their master wants.

2) The Philosophical Wooks: These are every day wooks who have no sense of self or existence. They simply go through the motions of living and stop there. This breed many not want to eat all your corn, but their thoughtlessness alone could be fatal.

3) Post-Modern Hippie Wooks: Your most typical form of wook, they move slowly and love to stink up the joint and try to bum free stuff.

4) New Age Hipster Hating Wooks: Unlike their predecessors, the new school breed of wook move quickly and will invade your personal space quicker than any Ancient Roman army. They can become violent and will steal your corn.

Wook Appearance and Hygiene

With the number of wooks out in the world, determining a wook threat might prove somewhat difficult. Here are a few warning signs that should make it easier to distinguish a wook threat:

1) Disheveled personal appearance
2) Torn or severely wrinkled clothing
3) Muddy clothing
4) Unkempt hair or even dreadlocks
5) Dirty fingernails
6) They may not respond when you try to communicate
7) If they smell worse than a corpse, chances are they probably are a wook
8) Skin may appear clammy or even decomposed
9) They will often linger around tent only camping looks for free party favors
10) Staggering movement, much like someone trying to walk after both of their legs has fallen asleep
11) Hair coming from weird areas of their face and neck
12) Organic Hemp clothing

Step 3: Fighting Wooks

There may come a time when you will have no choice but to stand up and face the enemy. Here are some important things to keep in mind while fighting wooks:

1) Never physically wrestle a wook, the odor will shock your senses and possibly deafen you.
2) Anything you can lift, throw or swing is a potential weapon.
3) If you only have a blunt object, like a pipe or crowbar, aim for the head and smash.
4) Small objects, like butter knives, forks or even pens, can be lodged into an eye socket at close range.
5) Decapitation is an option if you are able to get close enough with a sword or chainsaw.
6) When defending your hide out, put together an arsenal of homemade explosives from the stock of cleaning supplies.
7) Guns put distance between you and the enemy, minimizing your chances of getting your possessions stolen.
8) Because fire is also a great weapon, use it to your advantage whenever possible.
9) If all else fails, and you find yourself weaponless among a horde of wooks, you can try to act like one of them, but only long enough to get out of reach.

Running

Running may sound like the simplest advice in the world, but when it comes to the traditional Post-Modern Hippie wook, it is probably your best defense. Since most traditional wooks move very slowly, run away as fast as you can, and never look back. If you're putting together a wook survival kit, it might be a good idea to include a good pair of running shoes.

Conclusion

Unfortunately, there are no guarantees when it comes to wooks. They have evolved at music festivals in ways no one ever imagined, and an actual attack may be nothing like we'd expect. It isn't certain how long they will survive once their food supply is cut off, so long-term planning is the most effective way to ensure your survival in the face of disaster. Keep a clear head, put together a plan and remember that sometimes the best strategy is a good pair of running shoes. Good luck and try to enjoy Bonnaroo 2011 despite the potential wook outbreak!!!!


Instant Classic...This shit was to funny!!!!