With hip-hop, EDM, and radio friendly acts becoming much more prominent at Bonnaroo each year, a growing demographic of attendees threatens the festival experience for many of us..... Bros. Whether it’s dealing with their unruly manner, lack of human decency, or horrible taste in music, bros can turn your weekend on the farm into one you’d like to forget. So how do we prevent this unfortunate situation from happening? I’m glad you asked. With ‘Sproat’s Guide To Identifying Bros At Bonnaroo’, I will help you drastically increase your chances of avoiding disaster at the hands of these cretins.
You must first understand that bros come in many different shapes and forms, which may elude the untrained eye. Through this guide, you will be able identify the type of bro that you’re dealing with and, in turn, avoid their appalling behavior at all costs. Here are 10 types of bros that you will find at Bonnaroo.
Frat Bro (AKA The Meathead)
Known For: Rapey tendencies, cave man persona, overabundance of testosterone Identifying Marks: No shirt or smedium shirts, tank tops, and basketball jerseys to show off their “guns”, flip-flops, beer gut, tribal tattoo, backwards hat, Natty Ice or Keystone Light in hand Where to Find Them: At the campsite playing beer pong and cornhole; real bros don’t show up until Mumford & Sons goes on Quote: “Come at me, bro”.
Preppy Bro (AKA The D.ouche)
Known For: Holier than thou attitude, douchey persona, sneaking Smirnoff Ices into Centeroo Identifying Marks: Smug look, pink button down or polo with a popped collar, boat shoes, at least one inflatable item, inability to sweat despite being overdressed, bad taste in alcohol Where to Find Them: Headlining acts, especially Mumford & Sons, hip-hop acts, VIP area, air conditioned tents Quote: “Dudes, I’m stoked. I won $50 in beer pong last night”.
Bro Daddy (AKA The Aging Vet)
Known For: Shouting at women, telling younger bros they can out drink them, trying to relive their 20s Identifying Marks: Milwaukee’s Best (THE BEAST) in hand, shirt of a band from the 80s or 90s, loud voice, graying or balding hair, known to carry a bullhorn Where to Find Them: Paul McCartney, Tom Petty, Nas, Billy Idol, Superjam Quote: “Show me your ta-tas!”
Beast Mode Bro (AKA The Party Animal)
Known For: Unbridled enthusiasm, over indulgence, constant inebriation Identifying Marks: Backpack full of beers ready to shotgun, excessive high fives and bro hugs, known to wear a beer helmet Where to Find Them: Beer tent in the morning, jumping on stage n the afternoon, passed out before the headliner goes on at night Quote: “If I throw up, do you think I can drink more, bruh?”
Bromedian (AKA The Prankster)
Known For: Whoring for attention, ridiculousness, showing off their pubic hair Identifying Marks: Nearly naked or shirts with crude sexual phrases like “Female Body Inspector”, short, bright shorts, novelty hat and sunglasses, costumes, body paint, some are known to rock a mullet Where to Find Them: Comedy tent, getting detained by security, jumping off the tops of RVs Quote: "Look at my ball sack, broham".
Hipster-Bro (AKA The Bro-ster)
Known For: Being stuck between being a hispter and a bro, irony, lecturing newbies Identifying Marks: Wrist bands and bracelets with obscure phrases, cheap sunglasses with bands around them to wear around their necks, PBR shirts, cut off shorts, colorful clothing, crocs, ironic tie-dye Where to Find Them: Acts on the bottom third of the lineup, lesser known hip-hop & EDM acts, Somosa Man food tent Quote: “Bro, you’re doing it wrong”
Brolympian (AKA The Hacky Sacker)
Known For: Playing hacky sack or disc golf Identifying Marks: Glow in the dark frisbee, camelback, no shirt, excessive sweat, floppy fisherman’s hat or bandana Where to Find Them: In an open field throwing the disc around Quote: “Wanna kick the sack around, broski”.
Bro Getter (AKA The Scavenger Hunter)
Known For: Determination, creeping ability, organizing the party, getting stuff DONE Identifying Marks: Hiking boots, large supply of water, always in motion Where to Find Them: Pushing to the front of crowd, invading the campsites of a group of women, searching for corn and other party favors Quote: “Yo brah, let’s hunt down some randos”.
EDM Bro (AKA The Fist Pumper)
Known For: Fist pumping, raging, outrageous dance moves Identifying Marks: Dilated pupils, spiked hair with gel, excessive grooming, clean sneakers, v-neck or unbuttoned button down shirt with a douchey logo Where to Find Them: Dancing alone in manic fashion during EDM acts and silent Disco, anywhere that's not dirty Quote: “RAGE!!!”
Euro Bro (AKA The Wannabe Model)
Known For: Using Bonnaroo to spring board a modeling career, indifferent attitute to the festival Identifying Marks: Hair drenched in pomeade or wool hat, wears jeans with an oversized white Euro belt, tries to bring attention to abs Where to Find Them: Posing for pictures every chance they get, sitting on the bench as far away from the stage as possible Quote: “Whatevs"
There you have it; the bros of Bonnaroo. Now that you can properly identify them, you have a great chance to have a very enjoyable festival experience. GOOD LUCK!
Known For: Whoring for attention, ridiculousness, showing off their public hair Identifying Marks: Nearly naked or shirts with crude sexual phrases like “Female Body Inspector”, short, bright shorts, novelty hat and sunglasses, costumes, body paint, some are known to rock a mullet Where to Find Them: Comedy tent, getting detained by security, jumping off the tops of RVs Quote: "Look at my ball sack, broham".
I'm trying to keep track. Other than "bros" and "wooks," what other groups of people am I supposed to dismiss as inferior?
I guess for me that would mean anyone from Kansas East Wiki
Untermensch (German for under man, sub-man, sub-human; plural: Untermenschen) is a term that became infamous when the Nazi racial ideology used it to describe "inferior people", especially "the masses from the East,"
What if a bro is bothering you on the internet with his bro-ness, how should I handle an encounter like that? I was thinking I could look up his mother's maiden name and find out if either of his parents are deceased. That'dd show that bro!
Post by PhillipSeymourHoffman on Mar 7, 2013 18:47:58 GMT -5
Let us not forget the variation on Bro Daddy that I like to call The Drifter.
Instead of trying to outdrink you they tell you how much they have lived. "Yea man, I got sick of the corporate shit and went off grid for a while. You know, hiked the Appalachian trail. Kept it real."
These guys will stick to the REI , LLBEan styles and basic crew cuts.
Post by memphis1979 on Mar 7, 2013 18:51:35 GMT -5
Maybe I'm crazy, but you just seemed to go through every guy in the world with at least one of those.
The only thing that seperates me from a few of your classifications is the fact that I like good beer, and Milwaukee's best and some of the others mentioned are not good beer. When good beer isn't handy, I will have a fine Kentucky bourbon within reach.