Post by The Big Capp Dogg on Jan 11, 2017 14:36:11 GMT -5
YOU BETTER CALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL SOMEBODYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!
Greetings, worms loyal LiveNation supporters! Just your old pal THE BIG CAPP DOGG stopping by to check in on his favorite group of dope-huffing scoop-addicted goblins! Hope you hopeless derelicts are having a happy New Year, but I assume you're just awash in the same misery and aimlessness that's defined all your previous years, otherwise you wouldn't be here! By now I assume you're just tearing each other up in an ORGIASTIC FRENZY over this "lit" lineup put out by my "bae" buddies over at C3 Presents! I'll tell you folks, I was a bit nervous when the bigwigs over at LN told ol' Cappy he had to let loose the reins on booking this oversized county fair, but I got all kinds of reassurances, baby! These shirts told me that you kids would just LOVE what they were putting out. Won't lie to you mutants, last year's ticket sales had me a bit concerned! We put it together like we always do, a couple longhairs here, a few bleep bloops there, maybe someone doing some of that rippity rapping, all held together with the glue of VIBES that you kids love so much! But for whatever reason, you just weren't buying what the Capp Dogg was selling! One night, I get a call from Rapino, real late, I can tell he's been into the sauce again. He says "you know how much money I'm losing on that filthy tract of pestilence you call Great Stage Park, Capps? I put in all these fancy fucking toilets, and those ANIMALS you attract to the place were just CRAPPING in the fountain anyway!" I tell you, he was heated! He wanted to nuke the whole project, baby! He said "you listen to me, Capps. LiveNation has a reputation to uphold. Every year, tens of thousands of teens flock to a sold out park in the middle of Chicago, risking heatstroke and errant gunfire, just to bang their heads while some idiot in a helmet presses buttons on a light up stage. We didn't buy Bonnaroo just to give Johnny Sunflower and Jenny Moonbeam a place to get all hopped up and noodle dance around. I want COMMERCE, Capps!"
So what could I do? He's calling all the shots, baby! He tells me I need to step aside and let these C3 goons take over, or else it's lights out. Well, that can't happen, folks. This enterprise ends and ol' Cappy gets no more residuals. I GOT EXPENDITURES, GANG! A couple houses, a few cars. Been hearing about these "golden showers" in the news so I just got off the phone with the plumber, you know what having one of those installed is gonna cost me? NOT CHEAP. And yeah, I'm still running Big Ears, but let me be the first to tell you that booking obscure drone bands from Japan ain't gonna fill your pockets! All it gets you is a feature in the paper and some grimy neckbeard cornering you at every show to talk about his collection of Fugazi b-sides. So I said "sure, Mikey - I'll let these guys take a crack at it. But I'm telling you, it's a tough nut! You want to keep these mongrels happy, you gotta bring in the big guns: some Mumfords, Jim James a dozen times, maybe even Widespread Panic!" He just laughed and said that they had "market research" which would handle everything.
Now I'm seeing this lineup, and I'll tell you what, ladies: maybe El Cappitan is out of touch! I was thinking this year would have been a good one to DIP BACK INTO THE TEPID BONNAROO WATERS for some greatest hits, you know? Young Neil! The Radio Heads! That pasty group from Iceland that sings made up gobbledigook! Basically, I was gonna go back to the vaults, stack the card with some of your favorites from past years! But these C3 folks, they just laughed. "Mr. Capps," they said, "we've been looking at the YouTube, and the Spotify, and the Tinder, and we know what these kids want." And they come at me with all these acts I've never heard of! Fluke, Marshmellow, Cage Against the Elephant, something called "Boar Gore," and some guy named Travis. Even worse, they booked that smarmy, smug mick and his band of knuckleheads to headline this thing. Well, I decide enough is enough, and I say "now hold on, you cretins! I'm The Big Motherfucking Capp Dogg! If anyone is putting out a shoddy, second-hand, knock-off, filled-with-last-year's-hottest-acts lineup, it's gonna be me!" Well gang, before I knew what happened, I was being tossed out the door on my kiester! Woke up three days later in a ditch, but when I checked my bank account, it had like three extra zeroes!
But you know what? Maybe they're right, kids! This is a rough business! Maybe there's no place for me in this racket anymore. So I'm taking the Farman and we're hitting the road. (Probably best to get him out of town for a while anyway, I think his neighbors noticed the smells coming from his basement.) They're telling me this lineup is selling like GANGBUSTERS, so I guess you kids really do love the Drops and the Whomps and having an aging potato-muncher yammer about the ills of the world while cramming your phones full of his repugnant warblings. That prick Tollett was already giving me a headache with his insistence on things like "spending money" and "unique bookings" and "food that won't make you ill and kill you" or "not having open hazards in the middle of the concert grounds," but you know what? He's Rapino's problem now. So hoof your bags of cans down to the repo center, gather up your nickels, skip any important life events taking place in June, and hump your weary bones down to Manchester, Tennessee! Heat! Humidity! SOMETHING CALLED YELLOW CLAW! They've got it all, folks. As for the Capp Dogg, I'll smell you later, suckers. Thanks for all the cash memories. Stay greasy.
Hey Everyone:) I went to Bonnaroo in 2011 and had an absolutely life changing experience. I just want to say that these message boards really helped me and everyone here is so nice. I decided to go to Coachella next year so I ended up buying a pre sale ticket for Weekend 1 and Weekend 2 (wasn't sure which weekend I was going to). But after going on the message boards there and hearing how people talk to one another, I have no desire to go. The people and the music make the festival but I have been really put off by the people that I have seen on the Coachella Boards.
I plan to sell my Coachella tickets and head back to Bonnaroo next year and cannot wait to be around wonderful people again:)
YOU BETTER CALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL SOMEBODY
How's it going there, toots? Just the BIG CAPP DOGG checking in. You see this mansion? Bought and paid for with YOUR hard-earned dollars, so I'm certainly glad to hear that you'll keep up your blind-faith support of this little CASH COW known as Bonnaroo based on your delusional completely accurate assessment of the people who attend. I can promise you, that thanks to people like you who won't even consider better other festivals because of your insecure and completely insane realistic fears about the crowd, or scene, or vibe, or whatever word you f*cking shiftless longhaired shut-ins want to use, that Bonnaroo will continue to progress at a snail's pace. Screens at the tents, more shade, fixing that ditch...these are things that would cost the Capp Dogg money, baby! So as long as sheep faithful fans such as yourself keep supporting us no matter what, I can keep lining my fat pockets! Shell out for one nice headliner, stack the lineup with the usual recycled festival dreck, maybe whip up a couple "Superjams" with artists who are already playing that weekend (I ALWAYS LIKE TO PAY LESS), and voila! Sellout on June 5th when we can't ship tickets anymore city!
Well, they know that it is something a lot of people want. Capps has been told this to his face by multiple inforoosters and also been asked about it in interviews. I do think it will happen one day and they probably don't include it in the surveys because they know that it's wanted already. The real question is why the F aren't they doing anything about it?
Because we don't have to, you braindead dope huffer!
Greetings suckerscash cowsmoronshillbilliesinbred hairfarming shut-ins friends! Ol' Capp Dogg coming atcha' with some post-festival nuggets!
First, let me just say, it was a real treat having all you mangy clowns once again descend on the experimental pesticide testing facility otherwise known as Great Stage Park for a weekend full of semi-interesting music and lots and lots of hot cash flooding my pockets. It's refreshing to know that I can offer you chuckleheads a steaming hot bowl of the same old crap year after year and you eat it up like a blind pig at the trough. Soul jams? New Orleans? Jim James? Nothing Capp'n Crunch over here hasn't booked a dozen times before!
Now, let's talk turkey, turkeys. (WORDPLAY FROM THE CAPPSTER!) I see you all just flocked to your local public library to use the free internet just to hop on here and register your frustration, disgust and anger with the sh*t that I, frankly, just don't care about. And guess what? I STILL DON'T CARE.
Fixing the ditch? Costs money, f*ck you. Putting screens on the tent? Costs money, f*ck you. More trashcans? More porto-potties? Costs money, f*ck you. Acquiring more hay and grass to spread over muddy areas, essentially free natural resources which we could easily harvest should we choose to ever mow this scraggly field of broken hippie dreams? COSTS MONEY, F*CK YOU. And what, you think I'm going to pay someone to pick up trash? I'm not like that idiot Tollett, once I give you degenerates an inch you'll demand a foot. Next you'll want air-conditioned bathroom trailers and shade!
Besides, here's a clue, gang. No matter what Capp-adonna does, you fools keep coming back? You could get back home with weeping red welts all over your back as a result of the MANDATORY BEATINGS administered by the gate staff (coming in 2014!), moaning and crying, then you'd all convince yourselves that Phish or Daft Punk or whoever the f*ck is playing a secret set at 2:00 a.m., and I watch the cash roll in. I'll book one legend like my main man Pauly, and watch you idiots overlook an entire lineup filled with rehashed dreck. Grab a few artists already playing, tell them that oops, sorry, your contract actually calls for THREE shows, and BAM! We've got four Superjams and a couple Sonic Stage sets to pad out the lineup with MUSIC YOU'VE ALREADY HEARD.
So get with it, chumps. Here are some improvements we're making for next year, just to wet your whistles (though I doubt you dope fiends will be able to remember this in a year's time anyway!): - We're making the clock tower louder, and it's going to go off every 15 minutes. Not only that, we're putting one in every Pod! Every 15 minutes you'll be serenaded by the sounds of cash registers ringing, as you make a futile attempt to stave off madness by cramming your ears full of mud to try and block the incessant sound! - Less screens. Let's face it, most of the braindead zombies stumbling around the farm, drooling and sweating and pumping their fists aimlessly don't give two sh*ts about who's on stage. All they want is a place to get loaded up on goofballs for a weekend and celebrate sophomore year. So why do they need to see who's playing? By 2015 it's just going to be DJs and rap acts anyway (that's where the money is!), and nobody needs to see close ups of turntables or angry looking gentlemen yelling into microphones. - MORE BROS. We're booking Dave Matthews, Mumfords, Drake & Lil Wayne, and Deadmau5. Enjoy. - More goofy artwork repurposed from that traveling carnival I snapped up at a discount. Smells of dead carnies and failure, just like most of your lives. - I'm ripping up that damned fountain. It just spreads your hippie stink straight into the local aquifer and I'm getting complaints from the locals about developing string warts from drinking tap water. - We're opening up the Which stage, Thursday night...and shutting down the tents. That stage has plenty of space, you'll be fine. Enjoy watching Sleigh Bells from 2 miles away.
That'll about do it for the Capp Dogg. Stay greasy, AC Slater over and out.
You are my hero! 7 years in a row, baby!! Happy Bonnaroooooo!!
The Capp Dogg's always got the time for one of his fans. I can see that you already managed to get up close and personal with ol' Capp-tain America. Sorry to say, I don't recall taking that picture, sweetcheeks. You see, it's probably no surprise that the Big Capp-ucino manages to slay his fair amount of the ladies. Like my main man Luda, I GOT HOES IN DIFFERENT AREA CODES, BABY.
But the Capp Dogg is always up for a return engagement, you know what I mean? So here's what you do - take a little stroll over to the security gate to the side of the What Stage, and tell that flunky posted there that you need to speak to the Capp Dogg. Tell him that you're expected, and that the code word is "red snapper." He'll send you right on back to my trailer.
Post by The Big Capp Dogg on Jun 11, 2013 12:22:48 GMT -5
Well, well, well...lookie here. The Capp Dogg went and started up a brand new account because the FACISTS who run this donkey show told him to shut this one down. Go to fire it up again and WHOOPS. LOOKS LIKE YOU DIDNT GET RID OF THE CAPP DOGG AFTER ALL.
Now I've got TWO of these bad boys, just in case of emergencies. And you all know how the Capp Dogg feels about a good ol' twofer:
Post by The Big Capp Dogg on Feb 8, 2013 10:31:00 GMT -5
Oh, don't mind me, you goblins. The Capp Dogg is just over here having a good CHUCKLE at all you deluded morons. You really think I'd spend the COIN on a hard-rocking party act like GUNS AND MOTHERFUCKING ROSES and NOT have them headline? Wait until you see all 300 lbs of Axl Rose stomping all over that stage like a pissed off rhino! They're going to rock your dicks off! You filthy noodle dancing shut ins might not be able to handle it, but the TROO BONNAROOVIANS that post on our Facebooks will.
I see some crying going on in here. "Oh, but they can't headline, where will Bjork play?" Let me CLOO you in on something, you fools (see what I did there? The Capp Dogg is KNOWN for his wordplay!) - when my people came to me and said we had to book this loopy foreign broad, I didn't know who the hell they were talking about! They showed me some pictures, and I'll be damned if I'm going to let some lunatic wrapped up in a dead swan grace the mighty What Stage with her presence. That stage is reserved for the legends, baby! KINGS OF LEON. DAVE MATTHEWS BAND. TREY ANASTASIO WHEN HE CAN STAY OFF THE OXY. And, coming this year, DEADMAU5.
So you're worrying about Bjork, well, you lucky folks can catch her set at the fresh cut spiral chips stand, where she'll be ladling out cheese sauce for all you lucky attendees. My people said "are you nuts, Cappy? You can't have Bjork serving food!" and I said "like hell I can't! I'm paying her that much money, I don't want to hear her awful subguttural warblings! We may be paying her, but that don't mean she's singing!" I figured we'd put her back with the rest of the illegals that sling hash in all the food vendor tents, why not? Last year I had Rodrigo and Gabriela selling arepas for 4 hours before they went on stage! CAPP DOGG KNOWS HOW TO TURN A PROFIT.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got a conference call with the Frito-Lay folks I've gotta get to. Gotta keep Axl happy!
Google Kanye West Bonnaroo. He was booed off stage and blamed Capps for his shizzy performance, trying his best in Kanye fashion to not look at him self and blame Bonnaroo. Ever since every where you go to roo you'll find "fuck Kanye" smears. If he comes back, there would be a similar reaction. Capps. And bonnaroo are definitely not willing to risk that. Plenty of good articles and videos on it, you won't have a hard time finding them.
Hope it is Kendrick or Cudi.
Oh, you didn't know?
YOU BETTER CALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL SOMEBODY
Well, well, well. Once again it looks like you hairfarmers are spreading LIES AND MISINFORMATION about the Capp Dogg, so it's time to set the record straight. Listen up, worms, as Capp-tain America here doesn't like to repeat himself.
Lots and lots of talk going on about Mr. Kanye West. And there should be! Me and Yeezy (Capp Dogg is down with the lingo!) are pals! That whole thing is 2008 is water under the bridge - amend$ were made and we're back in the saddle! If anything, I owe Kanye big time! When Grumpy Old Man Lesh threw a hissy fit and refused to every come back, I was overjoyed!
You see, what you folks don't know is that Lesh-ter the Molester had a nasty habit of pulling out his little St. Stephen and chasing teenage girls around the backstage area! It was all I could to contain him. "Philly, you have to knock it off with that sh*t! Ol' Capps could get in some real trouble here!" He'd laugh it off and say not to worry, he'd send some Hell's Angels over to these girls' families to make sure they stayed quiet! Well, the Capp Dogg puts up with a lot of things, and has been known to lay it down Dogg-y style with any number of BAD B*TCHES. But Lesh was a lunatic, a man of insatiable carnal desires. He had to go, but YOU try telling him that he can't play! I remember the year he had to go on late because of that MONSOON. His temper was swift and brutal - he caved in some poor light tech's chest with a crowbar in his fury.
So when MY BUDDY Kanye and his team of LOYAL GOONS told Phil to shut it down or catch a stomping, we were elated, baby. No more ancient hippie nonsense flooding the stages, no more 70 year old men with their willies out freaking out the girls backstage! Opened up the door for all the dubsteps and emo rock you kids love so much!
Capp Dogg out. I've gotta go to Costco and supervise the purchasing of all the Funyuns to fill up Axl Rose's tour rider. Sayonara, you filthy mongrels.
Post by The Big Capp Dogg on Jan 30, 2013 14:01:02 GMT -5
What? No, no - no interest. Look, turkey, you really think anyone wants to hear a couple Frogs in goofy robot suits playing outdated disco tunes? Tell 'em no thanks, we've got the Mouse all fired up and ready to do. Guy's a superstar: packed houses in Vegas, baby! El Capparino's checked him out a bunch of times. I was spun out of my head on pure MDMA and losing BOATLOADS at the high stakes Pai-Gow tables at tje Wynn, when I see crowds of teenage girls in next to nothing rushing for the elevator to the club to see this idiot push buttons dressed like Mickey Mouse! I tell you, he had those kids going wild! He's gonna pack the What Stage, late night! When those beret wearing surrender monkeys start playing Tao, tell 'em to ring us up.
Ok, I'll call you back. We'll lock in those goofy English bastards next. What? No, the ones who dress like 19th century bootblacks. Sanford & Sons, that's right. Nah, I gotta go. One of our employees is getting a little too free and loose with the info. Time for the Capp-tain to lay down the law. Stay loose, Hombre.
YOU BETTER CAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL SOMEBODY.
Well, well, well. If it isn't my favorite little bunch of misinformed basement dwelling shut-ins. Look at you, just clawing all over yourselves trying to justify your delusions, just ITCHING to open your pockets and fork over your hard earned cash by the FISTFUL to Ol' Capp Dogg. Better yet, call me SCROOGE MCCAPP the way I'm swimming in it! Capp Doggy Dogg here likes to stop in every once in a while, watch you idiots tear each other to pieces. Here's a secret - every time some noob comes in here and wants to talk Kanye West, guess what? A faithful AC employee, just here to stir up the pot for my amusement. We take bets on how long it takes your mutants to devolve into savages at the mere MENTION of Mr. West. When things get too quiet, too copacetic...BAM! I GOT MY LOVE LOCKDOWN BITCHES.
Now...on to more pressing matters. I see you've all worked yourselves into a pathetic pre-orgasmic FRENZY after seeing our deal pal "insider" poke her weaselly little head in here. We've all been VERY impressed with your knowledge, you little worm. El Cappo applauds your efforts.
That's a sarcastic clap, you fools. Here's a tip. If she knows what's good for her, she'll keep her trap closed. Otherwise, the only thing she'll be "inside" will be an oil drum buried under the Silent Disco, capisce? CAPP-ITAL PUNISHMENT.
Looking forward to taking your cash in just about two weeks time, you suckers loyal customers. Ever hear the phrase, "if you can't dazzle them with dexterity, blind them with bullshit?" Well, Albert Cappstein here has a GENIUS plan. You miserable rejects will be so BLINDED by the spectacle of seeing Sir Paul McCartney on the top line (playing the Other Tent late night Friday...good luck getting a decent seat!) that you won't even NOTICE that the rest of the show is stacked with lame festival retreads and last year's electronic music! Macca may have cost me about five mil, but I spent about thirty cents on the rest of the lineup!
1. Book McCartney 2. Book lots of crappy bands 3. ???????????? 4. PROFIT.
1) we don't know if insider works there or doesn't. 2) we don't know if insider has AC's blessing to post here or not 3) we don't know if insider is female 4) we don't know if insider is Capp Dogg himself 5) we don't know if, or when, insider is coming 6) we want insider!!!!!!
OH, YOU DIDN'T KNOW? YOUR ASS BETTER CALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL SOMEBODY!!!!!!!
Well well well. If it isn't my favorite group of hair-farming, Jim James-fellating, basement-dwelling internet shut-ins. The Big Capp Dogg hopes the holidays were kind to you filthy idiots, but I can see that even the mere HINT of some tasty BONNAROO NUGGETS has driven you animals into a frenzied rut.
Well, ol' SAN CAPP-ISTRANO himself is here to clear something up. [Insert "swallows" joke here.]
I am Insider. And inside her, and her, and her. THE CAPP DOGG SWINGS A MEAN PIPE.
Now, on to bigger and better things. I see you dirt-worshippers are LOVING the 2K13 edition of the ROO CLUES. The brainchild of yours truly (AC SLATER COMIN' ATCHA!), now that I've had that tuneless reject Gary Chardonnay firedmurderedeliminatedliquidatedshotstabbedhit by a truck tossed down an elevator shafteaten by wild pigs sent to live on a nice farm where he can manage AC Entertainment's "puppies" division, I'm free to run things without his fetid stench hanging over things. Not that I expect you brain-dead hash smoking DOPE FIENDS to figure out any of Albert Capp-stein's BRAIN TEASERS, but the genius folks over on our Facebook and Twitter pages seem to love them! Not only that, but the wrong guesses are giving us some brilliant ideas for who else to ask, because it seems people like to find ways to fit their favorite acts into the clues! Another brilliant MARKET RESEARCH idea from ol' Capp Dogg. Lemme tell you, the people that post in our Facebook page are a real clued in lot - not like you lunatics, who seem to think we're interested in booking bands nobody ever heard of like Daft Punks and Young Neil and something called "Macca."
No, the LOYAL BONNAROOVIANS on our Facebook page have the real ideas! PHISH. WIDESPREAD PANIC. DRAKE. And a couple of dashing, plump young ladies (who just might get to meet LITTLE CAPP, if you know what I'm saying) just posted a wishlist vid asking for Lana Del Ray. You know what? SOLD.
I feel bad for EDM fans sometimes. Is there no festival in the world dedicated to EDM? Such a travesty. I want to tear down the fountain and erect a giant statue of Ashley Capps, in flowing robes with a crown upon his giant head, welcoming these poor retched masses with no place else to rave.
The only thing that could keep me away from Bonnaroo is Nickleback.
The Capp Dogg knows sarcasm when he sees it! You kids want the Nickelback, huh? Hmmm, let's see...more than 50 million sold worldwide, 23 songs to hit the Billboard top 100, massive tours...SOLD. We'll put them on Which Stage, late night Saturday, all the hairfarmers will think its a SOOPER SEEKRIT Phish cover set!
Post by The Big Capp Dogg on Dec 7, 2012 11:12:56 GMT -5
HO HO HO! Is that the jingle-jangle of sleigh bells? Or the jingle-jangle of all your ducats lining these fat pockets?
SANTA CAPPS here to open up his sack and give you all a big PACKGE OF GOSSIP. He knows when you've been naughty, he knows when you've been nice, and he knows when you filthy mongrels have been speculating on things that just ain't happening! I see that my little tweet in regard to a suggestion of Prince has raised a few eyebrows. First, I respond to everything @bonnarootweets says because I'm terrified that if I don't the lunatic who runs it will stomp into my home and cave in my chest with a pipe wrench. Second, did you fools forget to notice the date of that little exchange? Hmmm, November 25. I wonder what may have prompted me to drop a SCINTILLATING HINT about a major act like Prince on that date? I mean, not like there were any tickets to sell or...oh. What's that? We did a pre-sale on November 26? Huh. How bout that? ANOTHER VICTORY FOR THE CAPP DOGG.
So this belly is shaking like a bowl full of jelly. Looks like it's going to be stockings filled with gold for ol' Smashley this year! Now I can let you in on the secret...we locked in Prince. As in, Tom Petty, the Prince of Oldies Radio! But over here at AC Enterprises, we're trying to keep things fresh. We know you have high expectations, and lord knows we do our best to let you down, year after year. That's why we're bringing in our buddy Dave Matthews to round of the weekend, with a real hot ticket in Mumford & Sons to kick open the jams! They've got a FRESH SOUND that I know you kids dig. And if you're into puffy, delusional old women who dress like gypsies and screech out overwrought lyrics, you're going to love Fleetwood Mac! Ready to hear "Landslide" for the 5000th time? GROUNDBREAKING STUFF GUYS.
But just in case that doesn't wet your whistle, here comes Santa Capps down your chimney with another BIG SCOOP. I'll give you a hint - the world's most sought after electronic music, replete with costumes and all the bells and whistles, will be rocking your goddamn eyes out Friday night, late night, What Stage! That's right, your best buddy Cappers went ahead and booked DEADMAU5! I know that's whatyou kids are clamoring for, what with your dubsteps and home music and the EGM.
So let's look at it, shall we? DAVE MATTHEWS TOM PETTY MUMFORD & SONS FLEETWOOD MAC DEADMAU5. Looks like another CHRISTMAS MIRACLE to me!
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna whip out the yule log with these fine raindeer and get some noses glowin', if you get my (snow) drift.