Bathroom Etiquette

Ok - I just got this email and I figured it would amuse several of you that linger around here - LOL

To all of my friends,

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our
cubicles and suddenly felt something a brewin' down below. As much as we try to
convince ourselves we don't have to go, the WORK POOP is inevitable.

For those of you who hate pooping at work as much as I do, I give you the.........

SURVIVAL GUIDE FOR TAKING A POOP AT WORK
(Memorize these definitions and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure.)

ESCAPEE: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing poop in
a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic/embarrassment. This
is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car & speeding.
If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you
are standing next to the farter at the urinal, pretend that you did not hear it. No
one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing
makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK: (Used in conjunction with escapee) When forcing a poop, several farts
slip out at a machine gun's pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a
hangover. If this should happen do not panic, remain in the
stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of
what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop
log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This
reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help
you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just
stunk-up the crapper.
This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with
all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with
the use of a COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER: A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You
will often see an OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER enter the bathroom with a newspaper or
magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out OF THE CLOSET
POOPER before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN): This is a group of coworkers who band together to
ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to
monitor the whereabouts of OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPERS and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVEN: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least
expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will
reduce the odds of a pooper of the same sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR: A pooper who does not realize that you're in the stall and tries to
force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that
occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the TURD
BURGLAR leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact. TURD BURGLARS
have been know to cause premature pinchage, which inevitably causes you to pinch one
off in the middle.

CAMO-COUGH: A phony cough which alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you
are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON or to alert potential TURD
BURGLARS. Very effective when used in
conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE: This is a subtle toe-tap that is used to alert all potential TURD BURGLARS
that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is
occupied. If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can
poop in peace.

WATERMELON: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is
also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a WATERMELON coming on, create a
diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the
toilet water. Often accompanied by an escapee. Try using a CAMO-COUGH with an
ASTAIRE.

UNCLE TED: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended
lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An UNCLE TED makes it
difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load
when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom
attendees.

FLY BY: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in, check for other
poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful
not to become a "frequent flyer". People may become suspicious if they catch you
constantly going into the bathroom.

DEFINITIONS of Poop:

* GHOST Poop: The kind where you feel the Poop come out, but there is no poop in the
toilet.

* CLEAN Poop: The kind where you Poop it out, see it in the toilet, but there is
nothing on the paper.

* WET Poop: The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels un-wiped,
so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear so you
don't ruin them with a stain.

* SECOND WAVE Poop: This happens when you're done Pooping and you've pulled your
pants up to your knees, and you realize that you have to poop some more.

* POP-A-VEIN-IN-YOUR-FOREHEAD-Poop: The kind where you strain so much to get it out,
you practically have a stroke.

* LINCOLN LOG Poop: The kind of Poop that is so huge you're afraid to flush without
first breaking it into little pieces with the toilet brush.

* GASSY Poop: It's so noisy, everyone within earshot giggles.

* DRINKER Poop: The kind of Poop you have the morning after a night of drinking. Its
most noticeable trait is the skid marks on the bottom of the toilet.

* CORN Poop: (Self-explanatory)

* GEE-I-WISH-I-COULD-POOP Poop: The kind where you want to Poop, but all you do is
set on the toilet and fart a few times.

* SPINAL TAP Poop: This is when it hurts so badly coming out you'd swear it was
leaving you sideways.

* WET CHEEKS Poop: (The Power Dump). The kind that comes out of your butt so fast,
your butt cheeks get splashed with water.

* LIQUID Poop: The kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt and
splashes all over the toilet bowl.

* UPPER CLASS Poop: The kind of Poop that has no odor.

* THE SURPRISE Poop: You are not at the toilet because you think you are about to
fart but...oops...a Poop!!!

* THE DANGLING Poop: This Poop refuses to drop into the toilet even though you know
you are done Pooping it. You just pray that a shake or two will cut it loose.