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So I was at a bar tonight, feeling down, and I thought I would create this thread, even though it is (admittedly) a total downer, because maybe it would just possibly help some of us overcome some of our difficult social issues during the beauty that is Bonnaroo.
My problems (as I categorized them tonight, somewhat drunkenly) are:
Insecurity. No matter how cool I feel that I actually am, I inevitably have problems being sociable simply because of the self-awareness of how uncool I might be. Sounds stupid, but a very real problem.
Attachment. I unfortunately attach myself to people who think I am cool, however briefly. Sometimes they end up being my best friends in the world. However, this especially becomes a problem when I realize either A.) The person I have chosen to hang with is actually a total ass or B.) The person decides they no longer want to hang with me because they prefer losers to my awesomeness. This is not arrogance, simply the unfortunate truth. or C.) I totally fall in love with the person (a girl) and I find out later that they are either A or B.
Fear. I am sociable, don't get me wrong, but I also have an untameable fear of awkward social situations. I often have to know a person from a previous meeting (at least one) to really feel like myself around them. This is unfortunate.
Stupidity. I feel like most of these things are stupid. That is a problem.
Shortness. I am five feet tall. Exactly. This is probably the genesis of the majority of my problems. I consider myself attractive, intelligent, witty, humorous, and fairly sociable, but the simple fact of my height really kills so many social situations, you relatively normal people wouldn't even believe.
I will undoubtedly regret writing all of this tomorrow, when I am sober. However, if you are introspective, and want to share your own fears, uncertainties, or expectations, here is your opportunity.
I am pretty much right there with you on every one except replace shortness with sorta chubby, former very overweight girl since puberty pretty much, and it has severely stifled my confidence. I can look at girls the same size as me and bigger and find them absolutely beautiful but I look in the mirror and...self loathe. I'm still carrying this lack of self confidence over into my adult life and I just don't know how to shake it.
Right now this is affecting a potential relationship. My best guy friend likes me and I like him too, but since I believe deep down somewhere that he's better looking than me (and since he's had very conventionally attractive previous girlfriends), I'm terrified he'll reject me eventually for some reason that has to do with my physical beauty and it's making it near impossible for me to give us a real go...even though we could have something very special. And he's given me some of the most genuine, sweet compliments anyone has EVER given me.
It's sad, really. I don't view other people through a shallow lens, just myself.
I internet applaud you for sharing...will give karma...or whatever you call it these days.
Post by NothingButFlowers on Jun 4, 2009 7:40:31 GMT -5
In a way it's a downer, but in a way it's not because when I read that, I recognized a lot of my same problems, and it is kind of nice to know that other people struggle with the same things that I do (because it means I'm not alone, not because it means that other people struggle). My big ones are the insecurity and fear. After I have a conversation with someone, I often spend the rest of the day going back over everything I said, trying to figure out what I should have said differently or shouldn't have said at all. It's hard to form friendships like that because I'm always so worried about making a bad impression that I end up not making one at all. Thanks for sharing, and I hope you don't regret writing that at all.
Post by Fishing Maniac on Jun 4, 2009 8:56:10 GMT -5
Oh come now. You are all awesome in your own way. We all have bouts of self consciousness and negative self analysis. It's part of the human condition. You just can't let yourself obsess on it. It can, and likely will, become a habit. This becomes a vicious cycle. The fact that you actually can be introspective in this manner is in and of itself, proof of your awesomeness. Many people never take the time to look at themselves this way. Self analysis is the first step in self improvement which is a life long process. So you are already a better person than you were before you wrote your respective posts.
I used to feel great overwhelming social anxiety for no reason. Back when I was 18 I can remember sitting in peoples' dorm rooms hanging out when all of a sudden I would feel horribly nervous that no one liked me. I blame the corn to be honest, because growing up I didn't give two shits who did or didn't like me. One day it just stopped.
Here's what I realized about myself: I'm short, skinny, have bad skin, a crooked nose and a unibrow. You what that makes me? That makes me ABSOLUTELY FUCKING AWESOME! I also talk too loud and too much. I'm over-opinionated, crass, fowl mouthed, snarky and judgmental. It's good work if you can get it.
Now everybody repeat after me - I am awesome.
<group in unison> "You are awesome."
No no no. Not me. We've already established that. YOU are awesome. And with some feeling this time.
I'm painfully insecure. Not so much in social situations with my friends, but pretty much any time I'm doing something alone I freak out. A few months ago, my dad put the title of my car into my name (instead of his), so I had to take care of all that when I did my registration. I was so scared of messing something up, that I literally like could not talk to the lady behind the counter, and my hands were so sweaty and shaky that I could barely sign my name. I'm so scared that this will happen again when it's time for me to get a real job. All the other jobs I've had pretty much just fell in my lap, and when I finish school this December, I know it won't be the same. I'm so sure that I will have a freak-out in an interview. Just thinking about that gets my stomach in knots and my heart pounding. I'm freaking terrified. I guess maybe my problem has to do with having other people's approval. Like I said, I'm fine w/friends who know me, and I know they love me. It's mostly just strangers, especially where I'm having to interact with someone. Sorry for my rant, but Wolf, you posted this at a good time for me. Despite being excited for Bonnaroo, I've been super down lately. Too many tears, I don't remember the last day I didn't cry......so downer thread yes, but misery loves company
Last Edit: Jun 4, 2009 9:23:43 GMT -5 by lbomb - Back to Top
Reading over your posts, I don't regret writing mine at all It makes me feel better knowing that some of us share the same problems and anxieties.
Owsley:
Right now this is affecting a potential relationship. My best guy friend likes me and I like him too, but since I believe deep down somewhere that he's better looking than me (and since he's had very conventionally attractive previous girlfriends), I'm terrified he'll reject me eventually for some reason that has to do with my physical beauty and it's making it near impossible for me to give us a real go...even though we could have something very special.
This is a major, major problem with me and my height. I have a huge problem telling people I am attracted to that I am even attracted to them because of a fear that they will get all weird and reject me and then not even want to be friends anymore because its "weird now", all because I am short. The funny thing is that this hasn't really even happened to me. It's pretty much all in my mind, but it is still very real at the same time.
NothingButFlowers:
My big ones are the insecurity and fear. After I have a conversation with someone, I often spend the rest of the day going back over everything I said, trying to figure out what I should have said differently or shouldn't have said at all.
I do this too, although a bigger problem for me is not saying anything at all. If I only know like one person in a group of four or five, and especially if I've been nomming on some corn, I will go completely silent. I hate it, my mind rails against it, but I am practically unable to talk. This doesn't happen all the time, but enough to suck.
LelieBomb:
Like I said, I'm fine w/friends who know me, and I know they love me. It's mostly just strangers, especially where I'm having to interact with someone. Sorry for my rant, but Wolf, you posted this at a good time for me. Despite being excited for Bonnaroo, I've been super down lately. Too many tears, I don't remember the last day I didn't cry......so downer thread yes, but misery loves company
Too true too true I'm sorry you've been so down lately, I don't know if you have specific reasons for being down, but I occasionally get to that point for no reason at all, which is very annoying. Everything could be going my way - good job, interesting relationship possibilities, cool activities like Bonnaroo, and I will still inevitably get depressed. For seemingly no reason at all. I'm afraid it is going to happen to me at Bonnaroo. I doubt it, but its possible. Fortunately its not usually a crushing depression that won't let me do anything, just a general sadness. Usually all it takes is a friend or some good music or something happy to break me free
Fishingmaniac:
Here's what I realized about myself: I'm short, skinny, have bad skin, a crooked nose and a unibrow. You what that makes me? That makes me ABSOLUTELY smurfing AWESOME! I also talk too loud and too much. I'm over-opinionated, crass, fowl mouthed, snarky and judgmental. It's good work if you can get it.
Haha I know I am totally awesome, but hey thanks for the reminder. Sometimes the badness can't be controlled, which was essentially my reason for starting this thread. I already feel better after talking through my problems with you guys and hearing some of yours. I still think I totally rule, there are just times when I rule a little less
I'm painfully insecure. Not so much in social situations with my friends, but pretty much any time I'm doing something alone I freak out. A few months ago, my dad put the title of my car into my name (instead of his), so I had to take care of all that when I did my registration. I was so scared of messing something up, that I literally like could not talk to the lady behind the counter, and my hands were so sweaty and shaky that I could barely sign my name. I'm so scared that this will happen again when it's time for me to get a real job. All the other jobs I've had pretty much just fell in my lap, and when I finish school this December, I know it won't be the same. I'm so sure that I will have a freak-out in an interview. Just thinking about that gets my stomach in knots and my heart pounding. I'm freaking terrified. I guess maybe my problem has to do with having other people's approval. Like I said, I'm fine w/friends who know me, and I know they love me. It's mostly just strangers, especially where I'm having to interact with someone. Sorry for my rant, but Wolf, you posted this at a good time for me. Despite being excited for Bonnaroo, I've been super down lately. Too many tears, I don't remember the last day I didn't cry......so downer thread yes, but misery loves company
Awwww.. I wish I could give you a big HUG!!!
I hate the knot in the stomach feeling, it's the worst. I know you will do awesome!! ;D
Post by GratefulHippie on Jun 4, 2009 11:12:41 GMT -5
it's funny you started this thread now. i've just recently had some of my biggest insecurities resurface.
i've been unpacking and whatnot, and came across a picture of me from when i was 15. i'm in a bikini top and a pair of tiny shorts, and damn i looked good. the funny part is, i never once looked in the mirror in high school and said that to myself. i have ALWAYS thought i was too big. but that happens when you're a size 8 with D's, and the rest of your friends can still wear 0's and 2's.
after being diagnosed with cancer and going through treatments and a slew of medications for years, my metabolism took quite a hit. i've gained so much weight because of it, and it kills me. especially having been an athlete my entire life. i love myself, i love my friends, my friends think i'm amazing, and it's not as though i have troubles finding guys who like me, or find me attractive.
the most ironic part about it all is that i used to have the body and not the confidence, and now i have the confidence and not the body. FML. i've dropped about 15lbs since march, so that's nice, but my life has been so crazy since, that i haven't been trying as hard as i should be.
i've met so many amazing people through this site, and there are quite a few i'm absolutely ecstatic to meet this year. but now i'm nervous to meet people because i'm afraid their view of me will somehow change because i'm not physically what they expected. i know it's silly, and i definitely don't actually think these people are that shallow. but i know what "society" expects, and i know i'm not generally it.
ok...got that out there. not even sure if it made complete sense. good thread, wolf.
--I talk too much. --I have a big nose. --I’m confident to a fault. But at the same time self conscious because I’m damn near as tall and weigh as much as my boy. --I’m a procrastinator. --I’m unorganized. --I’m way too Pollyanna when it comes to relationships. I eventually always get disappointed.
However, I’m an eternal optimist. I like to think that my “problems” are really hidden nuggets of opportunity. For example, I talk too much. But that allows me to make friends easily. I’m unorganized, but that leads me to creative solutions for mundane tasks. For me, it’s all about how I frame the issue.
And believe me, I have some real problems too (like an ex-husband with substance abuse issues) but, as Saint Francis of Assisi said, “Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."
I have many of these issues as well and feel for all of you. Wolf, one of my biggest problems is sort of the opposite of you. I'm 6'4" with a football players build. Who'd be upset about that, you say? But I've always had a gentle demeanor and think of myself as much smaller. Does that make sense? I don't notice it until I see pictures of myself with others and I'm like "damn, you're a giant". I think I seem awkward physically. I always feel like people are staring at me because I'm so out of proportion with others. When I'm having issues like this, I always try to think of all the great women I've actually dated, all the awesome friends I've had and have now. I always try to tell myself "there are people out there that really dig me. People who don't can take a flying leap. They don't matter."
I'm way too quiet. When i'm with my friends I am the total opposite of what others think i am. It takes me a long time to warm up to people and act myself around them. Most people who meet me think I'm intimidating or cold because i don't talk much when i first meet people. But I'm the total opposite. When i'm talking to people I just met I'm afraid I'm going to say something they think is stupid. I'm very sarcastic, and when I say something sarcastic my tone doesn't change so people who don't know me very well think I'm actually being serious and take it the wrong way. My family members on my stepdad's side don't really know the real me. Ever since I was a kid I've been labled the quiet one so now everytime I talk it's either made a big deal or I'm ignored, I don't like either one so I just keep quiet.
Post by bojangles22 on Jun 4, 2009 16:26:30 GMT -5
I am introspective to a point where it is counterproductive. I think I run out of sane things to contemplate and start to over think myself until it all turns negative. I, like many others, am overly judge-mental of myself but very obmissive towards others. Seeing all the bad in yourself and only all the good in others leads to problems.
But on the other side of my mental token I have spent 25 years on this planet and have gone through an amazing amount of self inflicted hardships and I have developed a tough skin for drama and stress. The worse my life seems to seem, the more I smile and laugh. Its hard to take yourself seriously when you think of yourself as a character in a book. And when things are going good in this story book I tend to "accidentally" throw a wrench into the cog works. Am I slowly going insane? yes, but I think I like it. Plus I think I am going to need it for when I get old and they figure out that those 6 hour energy shots have a 50 year side-effect shelf life chemical that sends millions into an altered state of Hypo-manic-schitzophonetic-touretts disorder syndrome dysfunction.
Do you know how like when you are driving and you are looking forward and driving straight, and then you look to the left in your car for a bit and find yourself drifting off to the left as well. It would seem that on a straight road one would find it easy to keep their hands still on the wheel no matter where they are looking. My mind is where my eyes follow and reality is the road and my future is my car and the direction it is heading.
When i'm talking to people I just met I'm afraid I'm going to say something they think is stupid. I'm very sarcastic, and when I say something sarcastic my tone doesn't change so people who don't know me very well think I'm actually being serious and take it the wrong way.
Post by questionablesanity on Jun 4, 2009 22:29:23 GMT -5
People think I'm a dick when they first meet me. I've always been a quiet guy. I am not talkative at all. I've had several girlfriends complain about this trait. People at work definitely think I'm a dick because I just do my job and don't really interact with too many people. I'm not into small talk. I won't say something just to be saying something, not one to shoot the shit.
I have social anxiety. Everytime I go to a concert or any large gathering of people, I get very uneasy. I always have to medicate prior to my arrival at said venue. I even get uneasy around my family. I don't feel like I fit in anywhere. I've felt like this since a kid, don't know why.
I don't think anyone is completely happy with how they look. I dislike my red hair, chicken legs, and pale skin. I don't think I'm an interesting person.
Wolfaroo, you're the coolest dude I've met in awhile. I think you're a great guy. I think we'll have a great time at roo. I'm as stoked about camping with you guys as I am about the music. Roo will def be a release.
A Thieve's Parade 2/24 Conspirator 2/26 Kevin Smith 3/11 Keller 3/17 Papadosio 3/18 JJ Grey 3/25 Bela Fleck/Edgar Meyer 3/26 Toubab Krewe 3/27 O'Death 4/11 Budos Band 4/22 EOTO 4/28 Summer Camp 5/6-29 All Good
Post by candyflippedaround on Jun 4, 2009 22:45:09 GMT -5
mofro you summed me up pretty good ;D especially the work part, ive worked at one place for 5+ years and not had conversation with many of the people there, and even the ones i talk to occasionally really know nothing about me. not there to chat sorry, i earn my $ and leave.
entrances/exits from large gatherings are a big deal to me. i cant really say hi/bye to an entire room or go up to everyone individually and not feel pretentious for thinking they care if im there or not. id rather show up and leave events unnoticed, which is not terribly great social etiquette.
ive gotten a lot better than i used to be as far as anxiety in social situations, especially in this past year, and i feel like music has been a big part of that. seeing the disco biscuits for the first time on a two night run in Northampton, MA completely twisted the way i feel around new people. so many people there i didnt know, and a lot who at first i didnt feel totally comfortable around for various reasons but as that weekend progressed i had an entirely new perspective on things and was best friends with people i had met the day before.
i talk too much on here to make up for it i was actually almost held back IN KINDERGARTEN! for not talking enough o.O i wonder how that would have affected my life
anyway wolfaroo i wouldnt worry about anything by the time next thursday rolls around you are going to feel right at home
You guys are all great. It definitely helps to read about other people's problems, though it does tug at my heartstrings. I'm always wondering if I am going a bit insane, Bojangles. haha. May just be a symptom of the human condition.
Hippie I think you are beautiful, regardless of never having seen you in the flesh. I've always been fairly athletic too, in high school I was built like a god, well a five foot tall god anyway. Now that I've been drinking for a few years and eating all manner of crap and not climbing and rafting and all the stuff I used to do so often in high school, I'm definitely a lot bigger than I would like to be. It's especially accentuated by my shortness as well. If I was six feet tall my weight would be more reasonable but its hard to hide my beer gut at my current height haha.
Mofrohead and Insidejoke, you guys are both awesome and I am absolutely thrilled to be camping next to you in a few days. We are going to have one hell of a good time. If it helps, I don't think anything either of you said really applies. I know how it can be hard to believe what others tell you when you are being introspective, but I think you both rule. And Aaron, I totally have the same problem around my family.
Freebyrd, I am much the same with the sarcasm problem. I always sound sarcastic (to myself anyway) and I think people have a hard time telling when I am ACTUALLY being sarcastic. Pain in the ass. haha
I love you all. Only a few days left and we can all be insecure together!!
i'm a dweller. i dwell on fucking everything especially on things i've said/done which brings me to, i sometimes lose my filter and just cannot shut my big mouth. my insecurities are sometimes overwhelming and give me major anxiety.
i like to think of myself as an easy going chick, but sometimes i find myself dwelling and nitpicking over the most random/stupid things.
"Walk tall, kick ass, learn to speak Arabic, love music and never forget you come from a long line of truth seekers, lovers and warriors" - Hunter S. Thompson
^^Yes, I completely understand the filter. I used to lack one, but then my friends were good enough to let me know in a nice way that I need to turn it on. I think I've turned it on too much though. Now I hardly ever speak my mind about anything. And while people may have thought I was a biotch when I said exactly what I felt when I felt it, I now think people see me as biotchy because I'm too quiet (totally w/you there freebyrd )
And mofrohead, my BF is a pale, chicken-legged red head, and I wouldn't have him any other way, I love him to pieces! Besides you know what they say about the gingers..."red on the head means fire in the bed"
entrances/exits from large gatherings are a big deal to me. i cant really say hi/bye to an entire room or go up to everyone individually and not feel pretentious for thinking they care if im there or not. id rather show up and leave events unnoticed, which is not terribly great social etiquette.
This! I HATE to be the center of attention, or anything even close to it. I can't tell a joke to save my life for two reasons...1) because my memory sucks and 2) Once all eyes are on me, I can't think.
A Thieve's Parade 2/24 Conspirator 2/26 Kevin Smith 3/11 Keller 3/17 Papadosio 3/18 JJ Grey 3/25 Bela Fleck/Edgar Meyer 3/26 Toubab Krewe 3/27 O'Death 4/11 Budos Band 4/22 EOTO 4/28 Summer Camp 5/6-29 All Good
Yeah my memory sucks for jokes too, don't feel bad. My heart pounds when I walk into just about any setting where I don't know people. I often leave places unannounced, just kind of disappear.
I love the attitude around here most all of the time. This thread is a good example why.
I have some of the same insecurities. We are all just people, huh, tryin to do our best. Wolf, I know grown adults under 4 feet who have great relationships. You look young and handsome and seem very sweet. It is timing and the right person that counts - not inches. Happy Bonnaroo everyone!
Instead of dirt and poison, we have rather chosen to fill our hives with honey and wax; thus furnishing mankind with the two noblest of things, which are sweetness and light.
Post by sweetmelissa on Jun 9, 2009 10:03:33 GMT -5
I am a damn doormat. I let people walk all over me and take advantage of me. I even fully understand what is going on but can't stop allowing it to continue.
I hate to make decisions that will effect a group: like picking a movie to see or a restaurant for supper. I am always afraid that my opinion may really not be what others want and I'll be seen as an ass.
I have been told that I come across as intimidating and superior. My mother has labeled me as those 2 adjectives since I graduated with a masters. She never went to college and wasn't the best student in school. I'm sorry that I like to read and take in lots of information on various subjects. She calls and asks me questions and when I provide answers she will tell me that I'm acting superior.... NO, I just was helpful enough to stop what I was doing to help with a problem... I hate it when I get ridiculed for having a degree and retaining knowledge.
I also have the whole sarcasm without changing tone or facial expression. I have really tried to stop doing that because I know people aren't getting my humor.
I have great difficulty accepting compliments. I always feel as if people are just blowing air up my ass. I have never felt pretty, cute, skinny or attractive. I find it hard to believe that others can see things about me that I can't.
I haven't seen this thread before today. I'm more like freebyrd and mofrohead in the sense that I don't like talking a lot to people I don't know very well. I despise small talk. I do take a while to warm up to people and so many times my best friends tell me they thought I was just a stuck up Ann Coulter or an innocent goody goody....I am not really either of those things!
But, my BIG problem is that I never fail to befriend people who are totally quacked up lunatics. I guess I am a fixer in that sense. I figure I can help people get their shiz straightened out but I always realize that can't happen unless the other person wants it to happen. I get so frustrated with people who have so much going for them and so much to offer to the world and they just let it waste away. I guess I am trying to culvivate those things in people who have a spark of potential. Another thing, and I suppose this is where the Ann Coulter factor somes into play, I never, ever sugarcoat things for people. If someone asks me something I am usually brutally honest. I also have a bit of a tough love mentality that can come accross as unfeeling and insensitive. So....that's me! Take me or leave me
^^ Jenkazoo, sounds like we may be the same person I'd bet we'd get along well! I hate small talk, and I usually don't speak unless I'm spoken to. I like to observe and pick up on people's vibes first, that tells you a lot about that person. Makes it difficult to meet new people though. I'm also brutally honest. I'm sure I've lost a few friends from it, but that's ok.
Post by ☮ superbek ☮ on Jun 10, 2009 14:28:32 GMT -5
We can not dwell on it, people.
The Earth is turning, the sun is burning, and we are evolving. We forget that we are human beings and we must fight our own internal battles for the hopes of a better species tomorrow. You guys are all great and everyone fits in here. Happy Bonnaro, everybody!
I'm way too quiet. When i'm with my friends I am the total opposite of what others think i am. It takes me a long time to warm up to people and act myself around them. Most people who meet me think I'm intimidating or cold because i don't talk much when i first meet people. But I'm the total opposite. When i'm talking to people I just met I'm afraid I'm going to say something they think is stupid. I'm very sarcastic, and when I say something sarcastic my tone doesn't change so people who don't know me very well think I'm actually being serious and take it the wrong way. My family members on my stepdad's side don't really know the real me. Ever since I was a kid I've been labled the quiet one so now everytime I talk it's either made a big deal or I'm ignored, I don't like either one so I just keep quiet.
Yep, that's me too....all of it. Well, except for the part about your stepdad's family. We get along great.
i was actually almost held back IN KINDERGARTEN! for not talking enough o.O i wonder how that would have affected my life
