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We're all a mess of paradoxes. Believing in things we know can't be true. We walk around carrying feelings too complicated and contradictory to express. But when it all becomes too big, and words aren't enough to help get it all out, there's always music.
Post by abrakapokus on Nov 26, 2012 15:37:49 GMT -5
You just have to find someone who has their shit together in the places you don't and you probably have some things (spontaneity, creativity, music appreciation) that she lacks and can appreciate in you.
You just have to find someone who has their shiz together in the places you don't and you probably have some things (spontaneity, creativity, music appreciation) that she lacks and can appreciate in you.
probably right -
and flanz, I feel like I was part of the opposite side of that whiskey-fueled hate machine a month or so ago. Unfortunately the same hate machine lives in my building.... un-f%^$^-fortunate. (Yet somehow she made me feel like the worst for it..idk, it might officially made me kind of give up for a little bit, abra and Schulze)
Bandeto, honest question...do you actively look to meet someone? Just kind of lay back and see what presents itself?
Just wondering, because I go out in BK fairly often (in the Bedford/Williamsburg area mostly) and I find a lot of women looking to meet guys.
Unless your issue is that most of the women you meet are insufferable, entitled, annoying and/or idiotic trust fund babies with no work ethic that are mean to people without cause....then yeah, we have the same issue finding women in Brooklyn.
Edit: In case it didn't become completely obvious, my ex-g/f is a trust fund baby living in Brooklyn.
I guess at this point I in whining I can say this: but what do you do when even if you put on your best hat - no girl thinks you ever have your shiz together?
I freelance, and my head is everywhere at once - and constantly am edged or concerned about the next gig, having fun when I can, and not making myself broke in the process. I find that a lot women, a lot of nyc women, hate instability - and I chose a career where unless I get lucky, it stays unstable.
shrug, I just don't usually get to vocalize that
ps. I'm also a little odd, and my proclivity for odd music, concerts, not really being into the newest stuff all the time (while yes living in the extension of what has now become hipster Brooklyn), going to shows by myself, enjoying my beers throughly, and being a know it all smart ass. Let alone a hundred other things... it makes me think I will never "get my shiz together"
Let's go through this -
A little odd - check Proclivity for odd music - discount double check Not really being into the newest stuff - even though living in a hipster area - checkity check Going to shows by oneself - check Enjoying beers thoroughly - check plus Know it all smart ass - uh yup, check Let alone a hundred other things - check
Sounds familiar. None of this means you don't have your act together. It's just a different act than lots of others. You can be off center and find someone. There's people out there who lament how normal and together they are and hope to find someone who will help get them a bit off kilter, just as there are those who are looking for someone to help them be a little grounded. Don't try to change - that's the worst thing you can do. And don't fret too much - it'll happen eventually. I have been where it sounds like you are now - and so I speak from experience. I'm celebrating 15 years of marriage experience with a grounded, cool chick this week but when I was 27, I was having the same thoughts you're having right now.
Bandeto, honest question...do you actively look to meet someone? Just kind of lay back and see what presents itself?
Just wondering, because I go out in BK fairly often (in the Bedford/Williamsburg area mostly) and I find a lot of women looking to meet guys.
Unless your issue is that most of the women you meet are insufferable, entitled, annoying and/or idiotic trust fund babies with no work ethic that are mean to people without cause....then yeah, we have the same issue finding women in Brooklyn.
Dynamic mix of all of these.
I actively looked at some point, but realized I was a bag of emotional crap (of course there is more back story - ladies who wanted me to be more involved with them when I was clearly not ready to but makes sense. 2 married w. babies already / etc.) So this year, laid back, a little bit more about money and the "why is that guy at the show by himself?" factor.
There is also a factor of professionalism from work that creates a brick wall for me because 1. I freelance and have to maintain civil connections with folks for the future to survive; 2. Sound engineers have to get really really close to people -- I have no intention on skeeving out either an actor or a fellow co-worker. This is the majority of new people I meet, and I frequently do not work with the same folks, for say, a month straight... so you don't build a casual friendship thing either.
Lastly you are right about the last paragraph there, I try to be non-judgmental about it until it's clear you suck as a person though... Entitlement is an issue sometimes but you can see the winners from the losers pretty easily, or maybe my standards are too high. I am also really shy at this point and burnt out - maybe not the most attractive feature, kinda easy to spot.
I need to get my act together before I even think about a relationship. I'm a bum.
This is actually really important and a lot of my idiot friends don't take this step. Everyone has their low points, gets dumped or whatever, and everyone handles that situation differently.
It's important, I've felt.
I've seen plenty of friends just jump right into the next relationship and it gets sloppy because they've got problems of their own they have to deal with.
At this point I'm mentally ready to get back out there for dating/hook-ups/whatever but I need to get comfortable/confident with myself. I don't like my midsection and need to stop just lounging around getting baked after work...need to get some focus. Just gotta motivate myself and stop ending up in this cycle of procrastinating.
Post by crazykittensmile on Nov 26, 2012 16:10:54 GMT -5
I'm just going to add, being single is 100x better than being in a relationship with the wrong person. It always confuses me when people express sympathy when they find out I'm single.
I'm just going to add, being single is 100x better than being in a relationship with the wrong person. It always confuses me when people express sympathy when they find out I'm single.
Another excellent point. People expressing sympathy is often just a way to make themselves feel better about themselves. It's an inferirority complex and/or judgmental. I know older people who have been single almost their entire life and who are among the happiest I've met. It's like when you have a sickly micropreemie and people offer their condolences. WTF?!?! I just had a BABY dipshit - throw my arse a party.
Post by FatKeystone on Nov 26, 2012 16:28:55 GMT -5
Right now I am in the "I wish I was single" camp, after being in "I wish I had a girlfriend" camp basically all throughout high school. My gf and mine's anniversary is right around Christmas (it'll be 4 years). I personally don't care about anniversaries but she does and always makes a big deal out of it. I'm thinking about ending it/suggesting a break but I do want to remain on good terms with her, as we were friends for a while before we started dating and I would hate to lose her as a friend. We go to different colleges and while seeing each other is nice over breaks and some weekends, it really is starting to get tough, at least for me.
I guess my issue is how do I end things and remain on good terms and how much of an a$$hat will I look like if I end it before our anniversary?
Note: This is my first relationship so I am an absolute moron/noob when it comes to this situation.
I guess my issue is how do I end things and remain on good terms and how much of an a$$hat will I look like if I end it before our anniversary?
It's up to her if she still wants to remain friends. All you can do is express that you don't want to lose her as a friend, and accept that you might lose her as a friend anyway.
And if you already know this is what you want, you won't be doing her (or yourself) any favors waiting until after your anniversary.
Good luck! It is not easy, but if it's not working out it is for the best for everyone involved.
Each couple and situation is different. All I can say is be honest with her; tell her exactly why this is happening. Make sure you let her know that you care about her, but leave it at that, you don't want to confuse her. I agree with CKS. It's up to her if and when she wants to be friends, and if you know this is what you want don't wait until after the holiday/anniversary. Unless it's like a week before, then wait. Also, it won't be easy at all. Unless she is stubborn like myself, she will still contact you to talk about it. I'd be very careful about a break. Those always turn into sticky, ugly situations. I say a clean break-up is better. If it's a few weeks/months and you both think it was a mistake, then get back together. I've just never understood a "break."
Good luck :\ I've been on both sides, and they both suck.
I need to get my act together before I even think about a relationship. I'm a bum.
This is actually really important and a lot of my idiot friends don't take this step. Everyone has their low points, gets dumped or whatever, and everyone handles that situation differently. Me? I turn into Hank Moody, start smoking cigs again, drink brown liquor the majority of my time awake and act like a complete and total a-hole towards everyone. But what's important is that before you throw your hat in the ring you sort your sh*t out. Get a haircut, shave, go for a run, organize your music collection, just do sh*t to feel the sense of accomplishment, gain some confidence and build on it. Rome wasn't built in a day, and people aren't going to get over a breakup in 5 minutes.
This this this this this x 1 million.
Even after you do get your act together and start taking care of yourself though, b*tches still be crazy. You forget how hard it is to actually get into a serious relationship when you've been in one for so long. If you're actively seeking a serious relationship, that is.
Post by A$AP Rosko on Nov 26, 2012 17:37:02 GMT -5
BTW, that statement was ironic. I don't think b*tches really be crazy. I love women.
But I am definitely in the "wanting to be in a relationship but having a hard time finding it" category. It definitely makes me feel lonely on certain nights. I'm pretty sure I'm just hard-wired as the relationship guy. I am Sensie Panda, after all.
Post by A$AP Rosko on Nov 26, 2012 17:59:19 GMT -5
Reading this thread and the catching feelings thread today is making me sad that I'm single and sending me into a sadsack, introspective kind of mood It seems like there is some sort of road block with every woman that I meet, always an excuse. I believe what they say, though, that if a woman wants to be with you she'll do anything and everything to make it happen.
Which makes me wonder if the various road blocks are just excuses that will inevitably be used when a girl isn't into it and it's something about me I just don't get it, because I think I'm generally a nice, affable guy. And I know I'm not the best looking guy in the world, but I don't think I'm ugly and I'm in much better shape now. Ugh.
Sorry, guys. I need a f*ckin' therapist or something, haha.
Do we need another melancholy themed turntable night, Kyle? Sometimes you've just gotta soak in it before it's through.
Yes, please. And yeah, I've always been a proponent of actually dealing with your emotions/feelings head-on to work through them rather than suppressing them or denying that you're feeling a certain way. Again, I'm not Sensie Panda for nothin'
I just don't get it, because I think I'm generally a nice, affable guy. And I know I'm not the best looking guy in the world, but I don't think I'm ugly and I'm in much better shape now. Ugh.
kyle, i wish it was this easy. be a good person, find love.
but it isn't. i have spent my whole year back and forth with my ex, watching him give a lot of time and affection to another woman. i have a masters, i have a good job, a car i own, a three bedroom house, no debt, i like to think i'm pretty funny, smart and like you, not terrible looking. the woman that my ex was seeing when he wasn't with me, is ten years older than me, has 4 kids and is a divorcee felon (who also treated my ex like shit). i spent a lot of time beating myself up thinking, how could he chose to be with someone that seems so much "worse" than me, there must be something wrong with me. but now i see that it isn't that, that love isn't easy and that if it is right, it is rare.
chin up friend. i am positive there is a girl waiting out there for you that will appreciate all the kick-ass things you bring to the table. xoxoxox
I just don't get it, because I think I'm generally a nice, affable guy. And I know I'm not the best looking guy in the world, but I don't think I'm ugly and I'm in much better shape now. Ugh.
kyle, i wish it was this easy. be a good person, find love.
but it isn't. i have spent my whole year back and forth with my ex, watching him give a lot of time and affection to another woman. i have a masters, i have a good job, a car i own, a three bedroom house, no debt, i like to think i'm pretty funny, smart and like you, not terrible looking. the woman that my ex was seeing when he wasn't with me, is ten years older than me, has 4 kids and is a divorcee felon (who also treated my ex like shit). i spent a lot of time beating myself up thinking, how could he chose to be with someone that seems so much "worse" than me, there must be something wrong with me. but now i see that it isn't that, that love isn't easy and that if it is right, it is rare.
chin up friend. i am positive there is a girl waiting out there for you that will appreciate all the kick-ass things you bring to the table. xoxoxox
xoxoxo
Sorry to hear about your situation with your ex, that's tough, I know how that can go. Same goes for you, though, I am sure one day you will find the man you're right for and that will love you for the awesome person you are.
And big thanks, eep. You guys always make me feel better about myself. That's a big reason why I like going in chat. I think that you guys see me for who I really am, "the real me," and I think that if women could see that, they'd be more prone to want to be with me. I think I'm not good at first impressions and showing people "the real me" right off the bat. It's definitely been a trend in my life that people don't know what to make of me when they first meet me and then when they really get to know me they generally like me.
Post by chicojuarz on Nov 26, 2012 18:31:42 GMT -5
Rosko, you're not alone. I just had one of my employees explain to me with a lot of emphasis, that I need to find a girlfriend and take her on vacation. It is my number one priority.
I just dont find people that work with my weirdness too often. But like you I think I'm a pretty ok guy.
Now I have to go home and watch Away from Her and have a good cry.
Post by A$AP Rosko on Nov 26, 2012 18:38:18 GMT -5
I think you're a way-more-than-OK guy, Chico. You're the man
But yeah, Jesus, it's so hard to find the right woman when you're a little left-of-center. Like I said, I have a hard time getting people to see who I really am. And even if they did I don't know if that'd be enough.
It seems like there is some sort of road block with every woman that I meet, always an excuse. I believe what they say, though, that if a woman wants to be with you she'll do anything and everything to make it happen.
