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JHOinTN I like that advice. I generally have a hard time defining what I will and won't compromise on, because I'm definitely a giver by nature, often to the point of not respecting my own needs when I'm in a relationship. In the past this has lead to me compromising wayyyy too much, and hurting as a result of it. I'm trying to learn from that mistake instead of repeating it; hence my wariness. Since I don't have many dealbreakers, it's easy for me to settle. I don't want to do that again. As for the strong boundaries thing, I just find strong, independent women to be incredibly attractive. I also get turned off when people (in a romantic relationship or otherwise) change their own values and behaviors to conform to me, which I tend to notice when my partner is all googoo gaga for me. I dislike when people try to win my favor. Be your own person; if we're a good match, it'll become evident. Definitely don't treat me like I'm worthless, but if you can demonstrate that you're a happy and self-sufficient with or without me, I'm much more comfortable with and attracted to you. I find it difficult to balance the fact that we're all human and flawed in our own ways with the fact that I have a lot to offer a prospective partner and shouldn't settle or date down.
Hey Jaz, you sound a little hesitant. I think you should continue to check in with that little voice in the back of your head. It sounds painfully simple and silly, but at the end of the day it really comes down to your gut. Someone can be the coolest person to hang out with but for whatever reason may not be someone you should be in a relationship with.
bacon What do you have to lose in asking her out? Or maybe: how are you choosing to limit yourself in this situation? Do you want to continue limiting yourself in this way, and if not, what can you do to change it?
In theory I have nothing to lose, I realize that. I have no idea why I limit myself or what to do to change it
Fear of rejection, most likely. You don't want to throw yourself out there and have her say no, because it sucks.
bacon What do you have to lose in asking her out? Or maybe: how are you choosing to limit yourself in this situation? Do you want to continue limiting yourself in this way, and if not, what can you do to change it?
In theory I have nothing to lose, I realize that. I have no idea why I limit myself or what to do to change it
Do it. No excuses though I think you can do better. IPAs are bullshit.
We're all a mess of paradoxes. Believing in things we know can't be true. We walk around carrying feelings too complicated and contradictory to express. But when it all becomes too big, and words aren't enough to help get it all out, there's always music.
Back home I'd be 100% with you, but it's a bit different when your coworkers are the only people in the town who speak English and you know that you are all parting ways in just a couple months.
Good golly, bacon. You were right. You were the key to getting this thread up and rolling again.
I have decided recently that baekwon is a little too awesome to be #foreversingle, so I take all the opportunities I can to harass/shame him into doing something about it.
Good golly, bacon. You were right. You were the key to getting this thread up and rolling again.
I have decided recently that baekwon is a little too awesome to be #foreversingle, so I take all the opportunities I can to harass/shame him into doing something about it.
100% true statement. A parade of shame. Shame. Shame on you. Please don't make me put up Charlie the Unicorn.
We're all a mess of paradoxes. Believing in things we know can't be true. We walk around carrying feelings too complicated and contradictory to express. But when it all becomes too big, and words aren't enough to help get it all out, there's always music.
We're all a mess of paradoxes. Believing in things we know can't be true. We walk around carrying feelings too complicated and contradictory to express. But when it all becomes too big, and words aren't enough to help get it all out, there's always music.
JHOinTN
Bleary-Eyed Bonnawook Resident Prince Licker
Dearly Beloved, We are Gathered Here Today to Get Through This Thing Called Life
JHOinTN I like that advice. I generally have a hard time defining what I will and won't compromise on, because I'm definitely a giver by nature, often to the point of not respecting my own needs when I'm in a relationship. In the past this has lead to me compromising wayyyy too much, and hurting as a result of it. I'm trying to learn from that mistake instead of repeating it; hence my wariness. Since I don't have many dealbreakers, it's easy for me to settle. I don't want to do that again. As for the strong boundaries thing, I just find strong, independent women to be incredibly attractive. I also get turned off when people (in a romantic relationship or otherwise) change their own values and behaviors to conform to me, which I tend to notice when my partner is all googoo gaga for me. I dislike when people try to win my favor. Be your own person; if we're a good match, it'll become evident. Definitely don't treat me like I'm worthless, but if you can demonstrate that you're a happy and self-sufficient with or without me, I'm much more comfortable with and attracted to you. I find it difficult to balance the fact that we're all human and flawed in our own ways with the fact that I have a lot to offer a prospective partner and shouldn't settle or date down.
I understand where you're coming from; I'm a giver also. Sometimes I get frustrated in my relationships because I feel that I do a lot of giving and don't get much in return. And then I realize that's just who I am! I can't stop giving because it's ME. Just like in other aspects of life, you'll have some partners that will take advantage of your giving nature, and then you'll find people that will appreciate and tell you so.
And I will also say: there's no way NOT to change in a relationship (ugh, double negatives). You will always change in a relationship, even if you don't realize it. It may be because it's part of a compromise, such as: "If I want to stay with this person, I need to change ____". (And that may depend on how much you want to make the relationship work) Maybe you hate doing laundry, but your partner likes to see you in clean clothes... so you're going to change your habits and do laundry more often. Silly example, I know, but you see where I'm going.
And sometimes, people need a "kick in the butt" from someone else to make a change. You said you wanted a partner that's financially independent but this lady lives with her grandparents. Maybe she needs someone to come in and say "Hey, don't you think it's time to get your own place?" Some people need an outsider's perspective to make them realize things they need to change.
I don't think you should "date down" or settle either. There are lots of fish in the sea. Just keep an open mind. If you feel this girl isn't the right fit for you right now, then tell her and move on.
Back home I'd be 100% with you, but it's a bit different when your coworkers are the only people in the town who speak English and you know that you are all parting ways in just a couple months.
If you were right, you wouldn't be posting in this thread about it.
JHOinTN I like that advice. I generally have a hard time defining what I will and won't compromise on, because I'm definitely a giver by nature, often to the point of not respecting my own needs when I'm in a relationship. In the past this has lead to me compromising wayyyy too much, and hurting as a result of it. I'm trying to learn from that mistake instead of repeating it; hence my wariness. Since I don't have many dealbreakers, it's easy for me to settle. I don't want to do that again. As for the strong boundaries thing, I just find strong, independent women to be incredibly attractive. I also get turned off when people (in a romantic relationship or otherwise) change their own values and behaviors to conform to me, which I tend to notice when my partner is all googoo gaga for me. I dislike when people try to win my favor. Be your own person; if we're a good match, it'll become evident. Definitely don't treat me like I'm worthless, but if you can demonstrate that you're a happy and self-sufficient with or without me, I'm much more comfortable with and attracted to you. I find it difficult to balance the fact that we're all human and flawed in our own ways with the fact that I have a lot to offer a prospective partner and shouldn't settle or date down.
I understand where you're coming from; I'm a giver also. Sometimes I get frustrated in my relationships because I feel that I do a lot of giving and don't get much in return. And then I realize that's just who I am! I can't stop giving because it's ME. Just like in other aspects of life, you'll have some partners that will take advantage of your giving nature, and then you'll find people that will appreciate and tell you so.
And I will also say: there's no way NOT to change in a relationship (ugh, double negatives). You will always change in a relationship, even if you don't realize it. It may be because it's part of a compromise, such as: "If I want to stay with this person, I need to change ____". (And that may depend on how much you want to make the relationship work) Maybe you hate doing laundry, but your partner likes to see you in clean clothes... so you're going to change your habits and do laundry more often. Silly example, I know, but you see where I'm going.
And sometimes, people need a "kick in the butt" from someone else to make a change. You said you wanted a partner that's financially independent but this lady lives with her grandparents. Maybe she needs someone to come in and say "Hey, don't you think it's time to get your own place?" Some people need an outsider's perspective to make them realize things they need to change.
I don't think you should "date down" or settle either. There are lots of fish in the sea. Just keep an open mind. If you feel this girl isn't the right fit for you right now, then tell her and move on.
JHOinTN coming in with all kinds of good advice up in this thread.
Jaz you will know and not question it, if it's right. If you have already known her for years, and you aren't finding yourself making excuses for glaringly obvious differences, "I know she has a long criminal record, but that was then, this is now." then you are probably lonely and/or bored.
bacon take a deep breath and jump in. Ask her out for a drink or to a show. You could say something like, "I like the way you seem to always have a smile on your face. Would you like to get a friendly drink sometime?" Something that doesn't scream "DATE!" but says "date? friends?"
We're all a mess of paradoxes. Believing in things we know can't be true. We walk around carrying feelings too complicated and contradictory to express. But when it all becomes too big, and words aren't enough to help get it all out, there's always music.
I've decided that bacon wants to be #foreversingle. He actively ignores all advice too much to actually want to do something about it.
I am guessing it's more mental barriers than anything. It's not so much that he wants to be #foreversingle, or he isn't taking our advice - it's just that the inner voice in his head is stopping him more than anything else. Some inner fear about being rejected, things going wrong - and therefore never trying. I could be wrong, but the more I read/hear from him - it's leading me to that conclusion.
Off topic, but thanks to Guardians of the Galaxy every time I see this thread I think of the song "Hooked on a Feeling." Not that it's a bad thing since the movie was fantastic, I just wanted to try and get it stuck in someone else's head too >=)
