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Somehow, I made it from being 22 for Bonnaroo 2003 to present day attending every year without having to deal with that seasonal threat of conflicting invitations to a wedding... and it was good.
Paid a visit to a friend a week or so ago. Known him since 1999, through college and beyond, having met through a good friend we had the misfortune of pallbearing together this past spring. Met up after my business in his city was done, got nicely drunk with he and his fiancée and crashed at their place. They dropped their wedding date on me: June 14, 2014.
I bit my tongue... mostly due to her presence. Didn't mention that I already had a prior commitment, that my friend had reserved our RV 2-3 days after those dates were announced, that I was past halfway to the Bacon-Wrapped Bacon already. Probably would've had that talk then and there if it were just us guys. I'm going to have to at some point.
I haven't missed a Bonnaroo since I started going, but I haven't missed the wedding of anyone this close before either... curious to hear how others handled the situation, whether you think you made the correct choice, how friends/family reacted to opting for a festival, and the whatever else this might entail.
I skipped a wedding of a former roommate/fairly close friend for Bonnaroo 2011. The scheduling of the wedding was especially annoying since both the husband and wife were among a group of 12 or so of us who attended and had a blast at Bonnaroo 2010. The wedding was actually in Nashville, so my original intention was to leave Bonnaroo Saturday morning for the wedding, and to return whenever it was over. As Bonnaroo got closer, leaving for the wedding just seemed dumber and dumber, so I let them know about a week out that I wouldn't be able to make it. I stayed at Bonnaroo, and had a great time.
Do I feel bad about missing the wedding? Yes, especially since I attend Bonnaroo every year and they only get married once, blah blah blah. Skipping the wedding felt justified in my mind at the time, but I regret the decision when I think back. I wasn't supposed to be in the wedding or anything, but I should have gone. No one was really upset with me about it. Everyone other than the bride and groom told me I made the right choice. I've never really discussed it with the bride and groom, and we're probably even better friends now than we were then, but I'll always feel bad about missing their special day for reasons that were essentially purely selfish.
Youre in a tough situation. If this was a "fringe" friend then I think you could miss the wedding and nobody would bat an eye. The fact that it is a close friend of yours that you seem to have shared a number of important life events with, I would say that it is poor form to miss his wedding. You have been lucky enough to attend Bonnaroo over ten times (more than most)and I feel that it would be a mistake to miss a good friends ONE special day to attend a music festival. In 20 years from now you will remember the good times shared at your friends wedding vs. the bacon wrapped bacon you have had 1000 times before.
Youre in a tough spot and your decision wont be easy. Good luck.
Post by Roo'adelphia on Oct 25, 2013 8:01:31 GMT -5
Id go to the wedding and make plans to attend another festival later that summer.
Edit: This is in reference to the select few guys I still hangout with since grade school or if either one of my parents get remarried. At a wedding you might get 10 minutes max facetime with the couple when they do their rounds. If ones not in the wedding party, I personally dont think one will be missed at the ceremony all that much. Plus every guest is a plate of food and drinks at the reception someone is paying for so if you wont have a good time you shouldnt be going in the first place. Bonnaroo or not.
If you've already made a financial commitment to an RV, that really puts you in a bad spot, too, if you back out.
I'm personally of the opinion that weddings are overrated, so my advice is tainted. If it were me, I would go to Bonnaroo and take the couple out for a nice dinner to celebrate their marriage when you return.
Reasonable people will understand and respect your decision; unreasonable people should be defriended. (j/k. But not really)
^ I'll second these "devil's advocate" notions: take them out to celebrate either before or after 'Roo. Their wedding is about THEM. Anyone who knows you well should know you have a standing commitment to The Farm, so don't let their choice of scheduling the wedding during YOUR vacation interfere with your plans. Besides, with today's technology, you can watch the ceremony via FaceTime. Win/win!
If you've already made a financial commitment to an RV, that really puts you in a bad spot, too, if you back out.
I'm personally of the opinion that weddings are overrated, so my advice is tainted. If it were me, I would go to Bonnaroo and take the couple out for a nice dinner to celebrate their marriage when you return.
Reasonable people will understand and respect your decision; unreasonable people should be defriended. (j/k. But not really)
^ I'll second these "devil's advocate" notions: take them out to celebrate either before or after 'Roo. Their wedding is about THEM. Anyone who knows you well should know you have a standing commitment to The Farm, so don't let their choice of scheduling the wedding during YOUR vacation interfere with your plans. Besides, with today's technology, you can watch the ceremony via FaceTime. Win/win!
There is one thing that you said here that should be the main factor in their decision making process. Their wedding is about THEM. That is the exact reason as to why you should attend. This should be enough for you to put your friends ahead of you for one day. People cant plan their wedding around everyone else's priorities. A true friend wouldnt even question this...it would be an easy decision.It means the world to people to have their close friends by their side on their wedding day. I understand how special the farm is, but let's be real...friends come first. I was put in the exact same situation in 2010 and I was super bummed that I couldnt attend the festival, but the farm was still there in 2011 and I was happy with my decision to spend the day with my friend for such an important event.
I understand how special the farm is, but let's be real...friends come first.
^ True, which is why I'd rather be with hundreds of my friends on the Farm than a handful at a wedding. But that's just me: I even skipped my own cousin's wedding last weekend because I had tickets to see Neutral Milk Hotel.
KDogg, you'll have mixed feelings regardless of what choice you make. Hopefully we'll see you! And who knows, maybe they'll change the date or elope? Stranger things have happened!
Is your friend the type of person you can just talk this out with? Let him know you're in a dilemma and want his advice. If he seems disappointed about you not being there - go to the wedding. If he seems indifferent - go to Bonnaroo.
Someone else mentioned you'll have very little actual hanging out time with your friend at the wedding. And honestly, your friend is going to be wrapped up with worrying about the day going perfectly for his wife and EVERYONE will be vying for his attention.
How far is this location from Bonnaroo? Could you do a partial Bonnaroo instead of the full weekend? Two years ago, I had a commitment come up so wasn't able to go for the whole time. I was able to come in early afternoon for Sunday, though, and still had a fantastic time and got my Bonnaroo fix. Don't know if that's feasible for you or not, but it's a 3rd option at least.
Kdogg lives in Wisconsin, so I presume it's a one or the other situation. If it was like Nashville or Chattanooga, it might be fine to skip a few hours and return to the Farm after. But that far away, no.
I skipped my cousin's wedding to go to Mountain Jam in 2012. My cousin has been nice to me, but we're not very close and I thought she was getting married too soon/for wrong reasons.
Post by billypilgrim on Oct 25, 2013 14:19:56 GMT -5
It's very impressive this streak you've built up. I've been going since 2005 and missed one when one of my kids graduated high school. At some point, life catches up to you and you have to miss a Bonnaroo.
But you are not at that point! Half of all marriages end in divorce. You know how many Bonnaroo's end in divorce? ZERO!! Tell your friends that you're very sorry but this is something that you need to do and you'll make it up to them. How much time do you think they were going to spend with you on their wedding day anyway?
Worse than a board that is dedicated to the bashing of Phi?
Excuse me, I think I clarified the intent of the thread quite clearly: to get Phi to change this "Pheezus" thing he's doing before he jinxes the guys career and Kanye dies in a plane crash or something.
We're all a mess of paradoxes. Believing in things we know can't be true. We walk around carrying feelings too complicated and contradictory to express. But when it all becomes too big, and words aren't enough to help get it all out, there's always music.
We have friends who are getting married in June. They knew better than to schedule their wedding during Roo weekend because we flat out told them we would choose Roo and send them a nice gift. They were all "obviously we wouldn't ask you to choose so we're doing it the weekend after". Seriously. These people understand the dedication to Roo.
My Opinion: Talk with the guy about the fact that you already have the RV and tell him if it's REALLY that CRITICAL for him to have you there then you'll be there but that you expect to spend more than 5 minutes with him during the wedding. And there better be an open bar!
If he can't commit to that tell him you'll for sure take him out another weekend and send him a nice gift but that Bonnaroo is something you're committed to.
Schedules have conflicts and you made your plans first. No big deal. Have a beer and forget about it.
We have friends who are getting married in June. They knew better than to schedule their wedding during Roo weekend because we flat out told them we would choose Roo and send them a nice gift. They were all "obviously we wouldn't ask you to choose so we're doing it the weekend after". Seriously. These people understand the dedication to Roo.
I cant believe the nerve of your friends!!?? They didnt plan their wedding around you??!!! What Jerks!
My Opinion: Talk with the guy about the fact that you already have the RV and tell him if it's REALLY that CRITICAL for him to have you there then you'll be there but that you expect to spend more than 5 minutes with him during the wedding. And there better be an open bar!
If he can't commit to that tell him you'll for sure take him out another weekend and send him a nice gift but that Bonnaroo is something you're committed to.
Youre putting your friend in a position that they should never be put in. This is a bit of a "jerk store" move. If I had a friend who had this attitude I would rather not have them at my wedding. Its a bit of a selfish attitude to carry.
We have friends who are getting married in June. They knew better than to schedule their wedding during Roo weekend because we flat out told them we would choose Roo and send them a nice gift. They were all "obviously we wouldn't ask you to choose so we're doing it the weekend after". Seriously. These people understand the dedication to Roo.
I cant believe the nerve of your friends!!?? They didnt plan their wedding around you??!!! What Jerks!
My Opinion: Talk with the guy about the fact that you already have the RV and tell him if it's REALLY that CRITICAL for him to have you there then you'll be there but that you expect to spend more than 5 minutes with him during the wedding. And there better be an open bar!
If he can't commit to that tell him you'll for sure take him out another weekend and send him a nice gift but that Bonnaroo is something you're committed to.
Youre putting your friend in a position that they should never be put in. This is a bit of a "jerk store" move. If I had a friend who had this attitude I would rather not have them at my wedding. Its a bit of a selfish attitude to carry.
I don't know what's more irritating: the fact that you couldn't detect even a hint of sarcasm in the first part or the fact that you think it's a bad thing to ask someone to spend more than five minutes with you when you're spending hundreds of dollars (travel, hotel, loss of RV deposit, wedding gift, misc.) and a significant amount of time on them.
For the record, I just got married in September and didn't bat an eye when about 25% of our invited guests declined our invitation due to vacations, family obligations or just simply had other priorities. It left more time for us to connect with the people that planned, traveled and put in a significant effort to be there.
As Holls said, their wedding is about them - if you're lucky, you may get 5 minutes to chat the entire night. The rest of the time they'll be having the exact same conversation with every distant cousin and in-law again and again, while you and your friends begrudge the potential lack of an open bar (that might get expensive in Wisconsin). Really, I think it should depend just as much on who you'll see at the wedding. If this is a rare opportunity to get together with a group of close friends whom you rarely see, then that makes it tougher.
I dunno, I think weddings are overrated. People just get so weird about them. Most reasonable people might pick a date several months away, knowing fully well that many loved ones won't be able to make it - but by and large, people planning weddings are not reasonable people. It's like if you can't make it to some arbitrary date then it's an automatic indictment of their union, and you are no longer welcome in their blissfully married lives.
And if you've already started putting money down towards next year's Roo, that puts you in a really tricky spot. Honestly, I'd probably just say "I'm so sorry, but I've already put money down towards a vacation that week," send them a card and a gift or maybe take them out to dinner.
I cant believe the nerve of your friends!!?? They didnt plan their wedding around you??!!! What Jerks!
Youre putting your friend in a position that they should never be put in. This is a bit of a "jerk store" move. If I had a friend who had this attitude I would rather not have them at my wedding. Its a bit of a selfish attitude to carry.
I don't know what's more irritating: the fact that you couldn't detect even a hint of sarcasm in the first part or the fact that you think it's a bad thing to ask someone to spend more than five minutes with you when you're spending hundreds of dollars (travel, hotel, loss of RV deposit, wedding gift, misc.) and a significant amount of time on them.
For the record, I just got married in September and didn't bat an eye when about 25% of our invited guests declined our invitation due to vacations, family obligations or just simply had other priorities. It left more time for us to connect with the people that planned, traveled and put in a significant effort to be there.
I guess it's hard to detect sarcasm when you "QUOTE" what your friend said to you in your comment. Either way, I still stand by what I said.
.....25% of your wedding invites declined you say? Interesting.
I had a friend whom I NEVER see travel from Boston to Nashville for my wedding. He was the one person I wanted to spend time with because I see him *maybe* once every 6 years. EVERYONE at my wedding wanted a piece of my attention during the 4 hour reception. Did I get to spend any time with him? I don't remember. Every time I tried, I was pulled in another direction. I felt terrible that he spent his time and money to be there for my wedding and I got virtually zero time with him.
Oh, and I'm divorced now. So extra waste.
Go to Roo. Then take them out for dinner/night on the town, whatever, so you can actually spend some time with your friend and not just be another face in the crowd at the wedding. That also gives them the chance to talk about their wedding and relive the stories.
Additional note: I don't recall seeing this statement exactly, but for anyone saying "You go to Bonnaroo every year" - don't make it sound like it's always the same. We all know that every single year is a new and different experience worth having.
Post by Delicious Meatball Sub on Nov 4, 2013 11:52:23 GMT -5
This thread is really frustrating. Weddings are about about the people getting married, not you. You are there to show your support for the commitment they are making too each other, as a group. I'm gonna be at a wedding next Bonnaroo and skipping it never crossed my mind, no matter how much I do or do not interact with the bride/groom.
Next we'll discuss how it's ok to skip a funeral because the deceased won't get to spend much time with you anyway.
Post by Dave Maynar on Nov 4, 2013 11:57:20 GMT -5
I think the larger lesson here for kdogg is that it is ultimately up to him, his relationship with the people getting married and the overall situation. He's stuck between two events that he would like to go to but can only pick one. The only advice I can give is for him to flash forward to next summer and think about which one he will feel worse about missing in the long run and make plans toward going to that event.
