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I always answer these situations with a simple question:
What would my mom say?
If I told my mom I was skipping the wedding of a friend I've had for 15 years to go get drunk and sunburned in a hippie-haven corn field in the middle of nowhere she would a) take me out of her will, b) apologize to the couple for me, and c) possibly stab me in the chest with a crowbar (she's sprightly, she could pull it off).
I think the larger lesson here for kdogg is that it is ultimately up to him, his relationship with the people getting married and the overall situation. He's stuck between two events that he would like to go to but can only pick one. The only advice I can give is for him to flash forward to next summer and think about which one he will feel worse about missing in the long run and make plans toward going to that event.
It's okay, Dave. You're allowed to say it's ridiculous to prioritize a music festival over the wedding of a friend of 14 years.
It's not necessarily ridiculous. Much of it would depend on how the couple prioritizes the wedding. Some couples really make it a big deal and do it up fancy. Others don't (Abra and I were in this camp). In one scenario, it would probably be much more hurtful to the couple if he doesn't attend. I don't know his friend, so I can't really say how offended they would be if he didn't show up.
This thread makes me sad. I don't normally like to wade into these discussions on the board, but think this one is no-contest.
kdogg, here is a quote from a U of W educated man that will hopefully help you find your way:
“It is in fact the height of selfishness to merely consume what others create and to retreat into a shell of limited goals and immediate pleasures.” - Robert Greene
You helped make this couple who they are through your friendship. You are an important part of their life and they want you there as they take a serious step in their relationship. It may just be my opinion, but you have a responsibility to be with them at their wedding. Don't diminish the event that you helped to create over a weekend event you have had the pleasure to be a part of for a long time.
I have had to chose between thousands of dollars in tickets that I have paid for and festivals I have had passes to and events for friends, family, and personal endeavors in which I played an active role. Although I wish I could have gone to many of these events, out of the dozen or so times I got stuck, I have never regretted giving up entertainment for relationships.
And for people saying do it another weekend, I would say you could go to another festival instead. There are 100s every year.
I think what we've all discovered is this is a terrible place to ask for advice on this particular subject. Lots of differing opinions and frankly, some unnecessary meanness simply because not everyone agrees on one answer. What it boils down to is this: Whatever decision you make, be 100% committed to it and don't feel bad for not choosing the other option. Every person is different, so take all the advice in this thread with a grain of salt. Go with your heart and let everything else work itself out
Post by wannaberoo'ing on Nov 4, 2013 12:51:32 GMT -5
Our wedding party was a big whirlwind blur. People go to weddings and big events like that to catch up with family they haven't seen for awhile and to party. It's not strictly about celebrating the couple: It's a reason for folks to get together. We were exhausted after our big to-do, and I really never felt like it was all about us (which was completely fine by me!), but as the newlyweds, it was just a big jumbled mess for us of drunken uncles and brief snippets of conversation and feeling pulled in a 100 different directions, yada yada.
In other words, to reiterate what Dave said, every situation is different and if someone didn't want to come to my wedding because they had something just as important going on (and they offered to spend time with us in a different fashion to help us celebrate or did some thoughtful gesture), I think I would have sincerely appreciated that. Like, I could have a used a trip to the spa after my wedding, to unwind and decompress. *hint hint*
You should feel bad for skipping a close friend's wedding to go to Bonnaroo. That's the point many people are making. Whether saying that is considered "meanness" or not is a different debate, but you're an adult, you need to not be selfish and do the right thing.
If this was a work associate, or a friend of a friend who sent you an invite as a courtesy, fine. You can skip something like that. But this isn't some throwaway person that Kdogg doesn't give a sh*t about otherwise, so you don't handle the situation that way.
It's just silly to hold a music festival that happens every year in higher regard than something that will happen once and means the world to a set of people you supposedly care about.
Go to the wedding. There are hundreds of festivals a year and all the big ones will overlap many of the same artists & headliners. Sure you'll miss out on something you want to see but at the end of the night you'll know you made the right decision. Use it as an opportunity to take a different vacation and travel somewhere new or try out a new festival. Sure nothing will compare to the vibe you get at Bonnaroo but there will be positives in trying out something new. To top it off you have the ability to catch the webcast so you can still catch some great music in the rest of the downtime you'll have that weekend. Just because you have an RV reserved as well doesn't mean you can't get your deposit back- its certainly early enough where you'd be entitled to a full refund. Your friend might be a little upset but he'll survive as well
This friend must not be a close one if you're considering skipping the wedding for Bonnaroo. And if that's the case why are you even asking us? If it was actually someone of importance you wouldn't even be debating this topic. Go to Bonnaroo. Lock the thread. Find new friends.
I always answer these situations with a simple question:
What would my mom say?
If I told my mom I was skipping the wedding of a friend I've had for 15 years to go get drunk and sunburned in a hippie-haven corn field in the middle of nowhere she would a) take me out of her will, b) apologize to the couple for me, and c) possibly stab me in the chest with a crowbar (she's sprightly, she could pull it off).
Flanzo is right.
... Not used to saying that.
That's just because you're too stubborn at admit defeat.
That's just because you're too stubborn at admit defeat.
TWO MORE WINS, MOTHER F*CKER!
Is my new name going to be "MOTHER F*CKER?" Because you've been referring to me as that a lot recently.
Ha. You wish, I would never give you something as cool as an all-caps MFer. You know, assuming the Jets don't go 1-6 down the stretch (no whammy, no whammy, no whammy).
I don't know what's more irritating: the fact that you couldn't detect even a hint of sarcasm in the first part or the fact that you think it's a bad thing to ask someone to spend more than five minutes with you when you're spending hundreds of dollars (travel, hotel, loss of RV deposit, wedding gift, misc.) and a significant amount of time on them.
For the record, I just got married in September and didn't bat an eye when about 25% of our invited guests declined our invitation due to vacations, family obligations or just simply had other priorities. It left more time for us to connect with the people that planned, traveled and put in a significant effort to be there.
I guess it's hard to detect sarcasm when you "QUOTE" what your friend said to you in your comment. Either way, I still stand by what I said.
.....25% of your wedding invites declined you say? Interesting.
Or the friend is equally sarcastic? We're all just monsters here aren't we!
Post by NothingButFlowers on Nov 4, 2013 14:48:17 GMT -5
I think the fact that so many people here have so many different opinions shows that it really depends on the specific couple. Everybody looks at weddings differently. I wanted my wedding to be a low key, fun day for friends and family to get together. It would have bummed me out to know that anybody stressed over feeling like they were obligated to come when they had conflicting plans. For some people, though, it's a major life event, and the absence of certain people would really break their hearts.
If this couple is going to be hurt that you missed their wedding, and you value their feelings, then go to the wedding. If the couple will understand and will not be upset with you for missing the wedding, then go to Bonnaroo and celebrate their marriage with them in some other way once you get back.
I've got to say I remember almost zero about my wedding except that I did not have time to spend with my friends. Make whatever decision works for you. There are always people who don't come when they're invited to events. But make sure you RSVP otherwise they have the right to hunt your ass down.
I have made pretty sure to let my friends and family know not to make big plans in early/mid June as they know I'll be at Bonnaroo. That's just the way it is fer me. He'll I just got invited to a weddin' in June and the bride told me that she'd much rather I go to the festival. As it turns out they won't interfere. kdogg, you've gotta do what feels best fer you, buddy!
If you were IN the wedding party, that would be one thing. If you're just going as another attendee, I don't see it as being that big of a deal to miss it when you already had other plans, especially if they involve other people.
~All the accumulated knowledge, experience, and suffering of mankind is inside you. You must build a huge bonfire within you. Then you will become an individual. There is no other way.
~~~U.G. Krishnamurti
"I don't know whose water this is, but I'm drinkin it so F you."~~~Dale
"He is a wook in sheep's clothing."~~~Popsicle Sarah
"You know the feeling when you're in too deep, and when you make it out, the taste - so sweet." ~~DMB
Post by RxMarky Mark on Nov 6, 2013 9:44:07 GMT -5
Weddings are so overrated. I understand its a big deal for immediate family and super close friends. But these days everyone is dropping $10,000+ dollars so that 250-300 of their semi-close friends and distant relatives can get drunk for free. And this is after spending thousands of dollars on a conflict diamond ring. Its not like the olden days where the family literally gave their daughter away to someone that she's barely met. Most every couple these days has been living together for years before they get married, its not like much in their life is actually changing, except in the eyes of the law. So they're basically just throwing a big party (again, with free booze so everyone will actually dance to the crappy music the DJ will be playing).
So I say go to Roo as long as you're not in the wedding party and its not a small, intimate wedding (which I actually in favor of btw).
tell them that celebrating their heterosexual privilege on Flag Day of all days is a kick in the junk to the LGBT community and they should show some sensitivity and move the date. to the following weekend.
in all seriousness, these are your friends, right? just ask 'em, man. it might be really important to them, and if it is, you need to know that. and they might not care for a variety of reasons. just have a conversation with them, or him - whatever you feel comfortable with.
Weddings are so overrated. I understand its a big deal for immediate family and super close friends. But these days everyone is dropping $10,000+ dollars so that 250-300 of their semi-close friends and distant relatives can get drunk for free. And this is after spending thousands of dollars on a conflict diamond ring. Its not like the olden days where the family literally gave their daughter away to someone that she's barely met. Most every couple these days has been living together for years before they get married, its not like much in their life is actually changing, except in the eyes of the law. So they're basically just throwing a big party (again, with free booze so everyone will actually dance to the crappy music the DJ will be playing).
So I say go to Roo as long as you're not in the wedding party and its not a small, intimate wedding (which I actually in favor of btw).
Weddings are so overrated. I understand its a big deal for immediate family and super close friends. But these days everyone is dropping $10,000+ dollars so that 250-300 of their semi-close friends and distant relatives can get drunk for free. And this is after spending thousands of dollars on a conflict diamond ring. Its not like the olden days where the family literally gave their daughter away to someone that she's barely met. Most every couple these days has been living together for years before they get married, its not like much in their life is actually changing, except in the eyes of the law. So they're basically just throwing a big party (again, with free booze so everyone will actually dance to the crappy music the DJ will be playing).
So I say go to Roo as long as you're not in the wedding party and its not a small, intimate wedding (which I actually in favor of btw).
Not trying to getting people to repeat the same advice that has been given a thousand time in this thread already and I am offering no advice because it has been covered from every angle. I do have a "funny" little related story though.
A friend of about 15 years has always told me that he will purposefully schedule his wedding for Bonnaroo weekend and that he will ask me to be in the wedding. (he is a big enough d*ck that he will actually do it) I have repeatedly told him I will skip his wedding and I truly do not think he believes me. He should test me, I dare him!
Post by FortSteuben on Nov 8, 2013 15:33:29 GMT -5
At this point in my life I believe that I have about 10-12 non-family members that I would not miss his/her wedding for Bonnaroo. The rest I would for Roo, mainly because I feel that if the roles were reversed, I would not be bothered if he/she missed mine for a good reason.
This thread recently made frantically dig up a save the date I got for one of my college buddies' wedding this summer, who currently would not fall into that 10-12, to make sure it wasn't Bonnaroo weekend. Luckily its 3 weeks before Roo, because he would be one to hold a grudge for a long while for this.
Post by sudieraeep on Nov 19, 2013 16:03:02 GMT -5
I am possibly missing a sorority sister's wedding for Bonnaroo....DEPENDENT on line up. She's aware of this. I've made it very clear. My husband has already said he is not missing his 12th Roo for another wedding where he has to sit and listen to 28 year girls pretend they're in college again. That being said, it's going to take Arcade Fire and like an OutKast reunion or something ridiculous to have me miss the wedding.
Not used to saying that.
