For Decemberists fans only...

I wrote this to post on the Decemberists message board but i thought it might go down well here. If you don't know the original, I'm not going to explain it here. If you do, you get what's going on...


I am a mariner,
My ship’s sole survivor,
And I am here with this young lad.

His mother once I knew,
And I’ll relate to you,
Just why and how it all went bad.

When I met Elizabeth,
Her husband just had left,
She told poor Colin that he’d died.

He had to get away
From her cruelty and decay,
My opportunity I spied.

At the time she was
An opiated wreck
Spending all her cash
On laudanum and triple sec.
Oh Ohhhhh

But she was a beauty and
I thought I could win her hand
By helping her pick up her life

I saw she needed help
To raise the poor young whelp
I could now see her as my wife.

As time wore on I saw my
Progress reach a halt
She blamed me for her debts
Told him it was all my fault
Oh Ohhhhh

I gave her money then
To school the boy but when
I heard she’d spent it all on gin

I came to remonstrate
She stopped me at the gate
There was no way she’d let me in

Then one day in spring
The news came she was gone
And, heartbroken, I swore
I’d raise him as my own
Oh Ohhhhh

“Clothe him, feed him,
Sign him up for school, where they will
Teach him, read him
Shakespeare by the pool
And then he’ll grow up, happy
Thanking me for
Coming to his aid”
*ahhhh*

Twelve years I pushed a cart
Seeking the boy whose heart
I was sure that I could mend

I made enquiries
In shops and priories
I thought my search would never end.

But never once in all my searching
Did I lose
The thought of my beloved Liz
Though she stank of booze.
Oh Ohhhhh

At last I gave it up
Gave the money I’d saved up
To the priory and the local monks

I took to whaling then
To clear my mind of them
Lean overboard and blow my chunks

As it turned out
I was a natural
At the sail

But even in the storms
A voice inside began
To wail…
Oh Ohhhhh

“Clothe him, feed him,
Sign him up for school, where they will
Teach him, read him
Shakespeare by the pool
And then he’ll grow up, happy
Thanking me for
Coming to his aid”

*ghostly slurry female voice*
“There is one thing I must say to you
As I drink this one last gin
I’ll never admit my love for you
Young Colin will believe you’ve sinned”

*Waltzy bit with vaguely queasy sea-sicky feeling*

Five years I spent at sea
Rose to the captaincy
But by some miracle I heard

That now young Colin’s pissed
And the Decemberists
Are dragging my name through the dirt

A ship pulled near
The privateers
Had us in their claws

But from below
A giant whale
Opened up his jaws.

*general aquatic wailing and gnashing of teeth*

Don’t know why this is so
But like Pinnochio
I’m now stuck inside this whale

But who is this I see?
Slowly approaching me
‘Tis young Meloy
He sure looks pale

It gives my heart
Great joy
To see him finally here

To tell him all
The things
I know he’ll want to hear…
Oh Ohhhhh