The story(From do you want to tell me a story)

Here is the full first story! I still need to make another pass and try to clean it up a little bit

This story was written by MANY people in the "Do you want to tell me a story" thread.. happy reading
This one time, ..while I was waiting for my Jello to set . . . a man came up to me, and he said . . . i like that jiggle . and I replied 'you should see my wiggle' ..it can't be beat but then the chipmunks starting chewing on the fridge again and made them ..morph into KILLER DEADLY ZOMBIES!! determined to undermind every shoe I had ..then the zombies died and everyone lived happily ever after .But then, ten years later, a gruesome tragedy brought-forth an even more unspeakable horror .spoiled chicken salad sandwiches were everywhere .Cats and dogs were living in harmony..and the mice ingonred them all while the pirates gazed upon them enviously from the crow's nest drinking rum and saying .Darn you Sparrow! This very event had been prophecized long ago by a pirate with a glass eye and a peg leg made of twizzlers ..Had to sell his parakeet Petey ..for a cask of jello shots. It was never clear to his crew what was more responsible for Captain Twizzle's lurching swagger - the peg leg, or the jello shots. But he really missed Petey so (he found a button) labeled "Do not push this button" he still had to push the button so of course, he HAD to push the button so he pushed the damn button and ..a chipmunk fell from the tarp holding up the .a Massive amount of Lincoln Logs ..Coated with peanut butter and jelly It was delicious .but it was also mildly poisonous .and the pirate got splinters from the logs covered in pb&j but the chipmunk did not .so the chipmunk thought this was the perfect time to implement his sinister plan .to replace the pirate's peg twizzler leg with a leg of lincoln logs, because the chipmunk loves his twizzlers almost as much as .the taste of sweet, sweet victory All of a sudden, in swooped Peteywith 20 of his crazy friends singing" hi de hi de ho" and So she hid.under the table The chipmonk was frightened with the jello shots, and the chipmunk. Well, you can imagine what Petey thought That traitor Petey thought it was time to bring on the ninjas But then the nijas saw the chipmonk.. and all ofd a sudden, a song popped into Petey's head "Teenage Muntant Ninja Chipmonks", which gave him a nice little chuckle and the chuckle resulted in a little poo popping out of Petey and landing on the deck. Smeared by a careless sailor's spilled rum, it turned into a giant eorge w bush Then, suddenly, the phone rang The ninjas stopped slicing the pirates heads off and one of them answered .by saying "corporate accounts payable, nina speaking" ."are you happy with your long distance plan", the voice on the other end replied ."just a moment" .the ninja got fed up with the phone, ran to the person on the other phone (which only took a second cuz he's a super sweet ninja) and chopped the guys head off and run back all in like 5 minutes ..the ninjas stopped dead in their tracks, and looked up, with a frightened look on their face .It had begun to rain spaghetti-O's .cold spaghetti-osthat splattered on the deck mixed with the rum and Petey poop and caused disentary .which killed most of the crew, leaving Captain Twizzlers and Petey on their own to build a seperate raft out of lincoln logs to escape the now disgusting deck of the ship But, alas, they had no paddles and had to ..use the small, outboard motor .But just then .The Dude came and started lecturing Peg Leg Twizzle and his bird Petey about the history of the word Dude and how it came to be .when all of a sudden ..another pirate ship appeared out of the fog with headlights on (weird for a ship if you ask me) and even weirder, the other ship was flashing their high beams!?!?! It seems that Twizzler and Petey would have to participate in the hot dog eating contest after all just then frank woke up and relized it was all a dream .Jr entered the room and flew around frank twice and frank realized he was still dreaming, then there appeared a rainbow in the sky that began to drop skittles on his head and since he wanted to "taste the rainbow", he took a bite of one and realized rainbows are only fragmented light, and not skittles but at that point he didn't care because it was still a dream and skittles are good. ..Dreams were all he had left. He knew that when he awoke, he would be beaten again so he grabbed his tennis racket and waited for petey to return .waiting for his moment to attack the parakeet for which he secretly hated .when the door opened ..It was him! .someone he never thought he'd see again .. . . and he knew immediately that his tennis racket would be no match for the razor-sharp machete that disgraced World Bank president Paul Wolfowitz gripped in his unnaturally shiny teeth . . .. . . and he knew his only chance was to surprise him and then attack, so he yelled out his battlecry, which was . . COOOOOORNNNNNHOOOOOLLLLIIIIOOOO!!!!!!!!!" he charged with all his might and he then pelted the bird with huge balls of cotton candy which really chaffed him in this heat .But the bird had a secret weapon and his name was .Timmy! formally know as Timothy Vincent Williams Esq. third earl of Kensington 51st in line to the throne and a master at the art of super fast ninja like reflexology - otherwise known as karate. He chose to use this ancient art form by .the teachings of Connor MacLeod, the master of all ass kickery. With his great skills he oftenperformed "Clinging Koala"-style back at the monastery, before being exiled for .turning tricks with the hired help and drinking all the .Jameson, which had a tendancy to make him violent, this subsequently led to bouts of murders and executions, which people often mistake for papal proclaimations a frequent mistake given the shape of his head and . . his uncanny resembalnce to Lynette "Squeaky" Fromme. But meanwhile, back at the ship . . .in all the madness Petey had suffered an injury and Twizzler had come to the realization That Petey was no ordinary bird. He was in fact a ..An eel-monkey, foolishly masquerading as a bird in an attempt to thwart the IRS agents who had been tailing him for the last year Little did he know that the locket he'd carried for so many years was actually a (Fade into a long-abandoned pickle factory. One now inhabited entirely by Fraggle-like creatures) .Doozer stick! But not an ordinary Doozer Stick! This one was capable of something so amazing the human mind can hardly fathom it. something so phenominal that ordinary men and women can't even handle its awsomeness. Petey's doozer stick was the michael jordan of doozer sticks. The mount everest of doozer sticks. Really it might not be able to be called a doozer stick at all, but something entirely different, such was the degree to which petey's doozer stick stood above all other doozer sticks. Perhaps it could be called a super doozer stick, or maybe a doooooozer stick. In all honesty petey did not know wtf to call it, but he knew what he had to do with it, it must be destroyed. Just then he heard a light knock upon the door to his cabin. Petey walked over to take a look out at the security monitor. "F*CK!" he said to himself, "anyone, why couldn't it be anyone else in the world. just not him," the one man who stood in his way. Through the security cams dusty lens he could just make out the outline of a peg leg against the setting sun. How he got here didnt matter, and why he came merely an afterthought. He took out his trusty six-shooter from the locked case in his top drawer, lit his last p-funk, and opened the door ..The thunder of the shots was almost unbearable in his tiny parrot ears! Sickened by his thirst for revenge, he vomited as he reloaded again. "This sick bastard must pay!", his only thought. The thought that drove him to this point. The thought that would eventually lead to his death. As the bullets and confetti rained down on him, he knew what had to be done! Finally, once and for all, he knew he had to have a shmoke und a pancake, then FIND THAT ROTTEN NO GOOD ROOSTER!!!!!!! and stop him! he's got to stop the rooster! but his doozer stick turned int a poo stick.Then a spirit stick . . . . he must not drop the spirit stick, for he will go straight to Haities .Memories of his days with the USC cheerleading squad came flooding back and with them, memories of Rebecca, sweet Rebecca. That summer on the beach, the fabric of her bikini strained to the limit, a single bead of sweat dripping down her . . .big toe cleavage ..I then there was petey rubbing her down with fresh tomatoes ..which made petey break out in deadly hives, due to a severe tomato allergy but petey was lucky that the hives formed to make a strange shape that resembled .an enormous mushroom .so of course he tried to eat the mushroom hive and the next thing he knew ..he was on jupiter and 12 times bigger than he was a second ago .The world seemed to be breathing around him.Then he noticed..it was all just a crazy dream. he awoke. went downstairs; only to find .a bag of mushrooms, in a basket at the door, with a picture of the exact ninja he saw in his dream . . .and there was a note attached that said ..look in your pants. he did this only to find ..that he was wearing NO PANTS. This disturbed him because he didn't like to feel exposed, but he also felt free. He decided then that he would never . . . fall asleep with gum in his mouth ever again, cuz it was all over his feathers. to get rid of the nasty icky gum-feathers, he grabbed his trusty. . ..riffle. a few hours later after emerging form the ER with a few exit wounds he decided he would enjoy the day and try to forget his scary dream by .eatin' some of those tasty shrooms! Oh yeah So then Petey partook in the shrooms and washed it down with .12 cans of jolt. after a while he felt .rather bloated. He knew that the best way to remedy this was to . . . get a massage at the new place in the neighborhood. It looked legit . . . ..but let me tell ya' . those blueberries really roughed him up it was HOT!!!! but a little too expensive, so he bartered, he traded ..His "A Team" lunch box, 3 sticks of Juicy Fruit and his ever-precious Roo tickets. This broke his little heart, so to mend his broken heart he headed over to the ..roo ticket buying plaza; where he begged and pleaded with the employee (who resembled a pirate he once knew) to let him get one at a discount. The employee said "yes, but on one condition " "you shiver me timbers"-----he mulled it over for a while and ..decided that he was done! He would never stoop that low again! That is, unless .he could be promised ice cream afterwards. For the right price, he was capable of just about anything, especially ..since his days at the monastery had taught him how to hold his breath for almost 27 minutes. A trick that had come in very handy when he found himself . . .appearing on one of those crazy reality shows. first he had to swim under like 18 pieces of fiberglass and grab flags for some damn reason. his next daunting stunt was to eat. . ...his own foot. It wasn't that it hurt all that bad but . . .the nasty combination of horseradish, mayonnaise, and dirty roo-foot scrapings they put on top was gross. the final stunt, for the $23958723893257 prize, was. . .(KNOCK, KNOCK, KNOCK) "What's taking so long?" It was his mom. Evidently he'd been standing in the shower, day-dreaming, for over 2 hours! "Not again!" he thought as he turned the faucet off. He had just stepped-out onto the cold tile floor when ...a giant squid attacked him through the drain and pulled him down down down into the atlantic. the only horrifying thought that could run through poor petes mind was oh no - I am going to end up on that damn pirate ship with Captain Twizzlers and his damn peg legavast there yon scurvey skallewag, swinging from the yardarm is too good for the likes of you your punishment will be...you will stay in the Comfy Chair until lunch time, with only a cup of coffee . . . or even that's too good for you, instead . .You will sit in a tent under the glaringly harsh Tennessee sun where you will only be able to hear the music of Bonnaroo if the wind is blowing in your direction and while you are there - you will watch repeated showings of David Hasselhoff videos.But Captain Twizzlers fell victim yet again to his love of Jell-O shots and, as he stood there trying to come up with fiendish punishments, Petey flew off. He caught a prevailing trade wind, which led him to a peaceful island, where laying on the beach was none other than . . Clint Howard. His muscles glistened in the tropical sunlight as he sipped seductively from a hollowed-out coconut. He raised his head, licked his lips and said ...did you bring the 'thing'...Of course petey knew exactly what clint was talking about, but didn't want to let on that he had ..the one and only Vs. Book for Final Fantasy VII, so that meant he knew all the kids at the local comic book shop. One of which would surely know how to ...save him from drowning, for he was still underwater. once he was rescued the child he knew asked for a favor "do you have any grey poupon?" Of course, he was out. Instead, he offered his only . . .remaining slice of pizza, which was topped with. . .Red twizzlers. So of course he threw it to the waiting seagulls...but what he didn't know was that the pizza also contained a rare toxin often employed by the russian mob that would soon cause his ..cheeks to bulge up and hair to turn purple before ..his butt fell off he then turned into a giant purple monster with the intelligence of a sea lion and the poise of a mantis, but more muscular. in this form he could speak as if he were Mike Myers, but then..it started raining, but not just any rain. it was raining full plastic water bottles, so he quickly searched for shelter and ran into the nearby. . .7-11 .where he found...the anti toxin, a giant cherry coke slurrpie and a roll of .duct tape used as a suppository, he took the anitdotes and felt ...a strange sensation eminating from the pit of ...an olive that was in his ear. He exclaimed "yarrrrrrrrr!!!!!" and then he ran to his uncle francis' house, where he walked in on his cousin Shaniqua getting out of the shower... There Shaniqua was, dripping wet. She made no effort to cover her nakedness. Instead, she stood there, with a slight grin. Her eyes met his, but his were focussed on her moist, glistening, neatly trimmed . . .Bonsai Tree, he then..started laughing and said 'girl! why would you trim your tree like that???"Shaniqua, however, did not see the humor, and a single tear dripped on to her big toe cleavage (kindling a distant memory for Petey). "Petey, it's been 2 years without a phone call, an e-mail, not a word. And now you waltz in here and laugh about my Bonsai?" Have you forgotten about the time we spent in . . .bora bora, looking for ..a 3 muskateers bar. pete replied ...Don't you judge me! You have no idea of the hellish ordeals I've battled through to return this to you! Mustering all the strength in his scurvied body, he grasped the oddly shaped object. Grunting and sweating, staggering back and forth, his muscles pushed to their limit, he handed her a handblown pipe, that he bought on shakedown street at BONNNAAARRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! (and also) ...the keys to a brand new car! shanquia's eyes glistened with excitement, but as her arm crept forward, pulsating with incredulous anticipation, petey recoiled and clutched his stomach. he released an unearthly howl of pain and exclaimed. "HOW CAN YOU WEAR THOSE SHOES WITH THAT DRESS?! I MEAN, WHAT ARE YOU, SOME KIND OF..." LollyDollup? She shrieked, grabbed his ankles and .got out a GIGANTIC silver mushroom, which she promptly..Inserted into her most sensitive, most undesirable cavity. Strangely, this time it hurt very, VERY badly!
She had no other choice but to break wind and proclaim ...I AM IN PAIN. after doing this she promptly ...Flipped on the TV to watch the NFL Draft But the mushroom began to take effect and, watching the coverage, Mel Kiper's hair looked, strangely . . . normal. "Petey, let's get out of here. Bring the pipe and the keys. You better drive. We've got to keep moving or they'll find me." "Who'll find you, Rebecca?""It's Shaniqua, you birdbrain! And I'll explain in the car." So they jumped in the Electic Blue Prius convertible, with the flames on the side and the custom rims, and hit the road. "Where to?" Petey asked. Shaniqua replied . . .Jamaica - I hear it is nice there and they have great ...syphilis...
An awkward silence crept over the car as they traveled down the interstate Petey slowly turned over to Shaniqua and said ."You know that old saying?" "What's that?" she asked.
"Once you have a creature with feathers and no true penis, you never go back." Petey, puffed out his plumage in a manner females of his own species found enticing. But he never, in his wildest fantasies, imagined that Shaniqua would . . .open the door and jump out of a moving car ..as she rolled to her death petey thought .."Where in the hell are my socks?" Amazed at how much footwear he's lost in the last month, he dug into his pocket and pulled-out a . .uzi and a ski mask. as he rolled into the bank parking lot, the calm, steadiness of his face hid the utter desperation and self-disgust he felt. as he walked into the bank, and fired some warning shots into the ceiling, he screamed. ."Hand over all your grey poupon!!!" The banker immideately threw a rabid squirrel at Pete's face, as it was howling and preparing to eat out his eyeballs .All of the lights went out! And, as you all must know, rabid squirrels are terrified of the dark!
Petey jumped into action, diving on the ground and pulling the squirrels legs off! He bit the frightened creature from head to toe, screaming and yelling about ...how his doctor is really a polar bear and .and wondering how in the hell he got into such a mess. All he wanted was a little grey poupon
for God's sake. But more importantly, what to do with the now dead rabid squirrel.
Petey decided a good use for it would be ...to replace Captain Twizzler's peg leg of twizzlers with the rabid squirrel. Making this his best day in a long while ..also he decied to sell his old peg leg, he used ebay and made a cool mill'. with his new found wealth he started to feel emptier and emptier inside. he thought all the fame forturne and social status would make him a happier better person, btu they just made him a grumpy old fart. one christmas after makign his employee (who had a son with a busted leg) work on christmas he was visited by three ghosts, the first of which was absent, but filled in by the loveable TV icon, Ed Asner. Ed's appearance at Petey's bedside late one night was startling, not the least because he couldn't figure out how old Ed got his Rascal up all those flights of stairs. But Ed told him they had some business to take care of, so aboard the heavy-lidded Petey hopped, and off they sailed, until they arrived at their first destination commonly called...Mos Eisley Spaceport. They then met Han Solo, Chewie, a few other weird looking dudes, and Greedo.. they then proceeded to eat cheetos until the sun came up...Petey sat there staring at this odd group, thinking to himself. His head pounding and his eyes blood-shot, he decided that this sh!t had to end! He knew that the only way to make it work this time, was to kill and eat everyone he was traveling with. There would be no witnesses this time! There would be no evidence. There would be no turning back. Slowly struggling to his feet he grabbed Asner by the throat and screamed .I've got your cake buddy and sliced hime through the...jugular, Ed's reaction to this was not exactly what Petey was hoping for. ..but, now already in the process of digesting Asner's artery, he had more or less committed to the act. Unless ...he pressed the magic button on his pirate sword that turned the sword and everything the blade touches into bannana pudding, so he did. but OH NO, he made a mistake, the blade accidently touched his wacker which grew into the great magic banana. He thrust it at...Shaniqua - who ran screaming into the night until her screams could no longer be heard because .the sound of approaching tanks and planes drowned everything out. "oh my god, those commie bastards are finally attacking," petey thought to himself. "there's only one way to beat them. i'll have to..."use my bananna stick to turn the entire earth into...into the biggest, scariest sock-puppet ever seen by mere mortals! Having dealt extensively with these crafty creatures in Nam, he knew how much they loved to feast on communists.
It was his only way out, he was certain. He prayed this would work! If not, he knew what would happen next! They would spread maple syrup on his stomach and press a tenis raquet into it giving him an awful waffle. this thought both frightened petey and excited him to no avail, he was drawn back to that moment spent on the ferris wheel with nothing but ...a dream and a will to have sex on the ferris wheel, he remembered hwo he completed this "life's dream of his" he made it to Bonnaroo (finally) and he awoke with a start to find the mushrooms he had eaten had just wore off, bonnaroo was still 40 some odd days away