Mother's Day

This will probably be the last time that I post under the anonymous moniker (other than checking mail), but this is theraputic and men in general aren't too keen about psychatrists, especially when they failed to save someone close to you who turned to them for help.

I hate Mother's Day, and earlier posts of mine would indicate why. I feel like a jerk for thinking that way, but it really just rips into you when you hear all day about how great everybody's mom is while yours is in a grave that nobody other than you has bothered to go to in several years. It hurts even more knowing that she should still be here.

There isn't a day that goes by where I wouldn't give anything in the world to talk to my mom just one more time.

I wouldn't ask her why she left, I wouldn't berate her for turning her back on her kids when she had to know that her actions would cause such severe damage that will last a lifetime. I would say I'm sorry, and I wish I had been old enough to do something, to be there for her when everybody else turned their back on her when she needed them. I don't feel like I let her down, but I just wish there had been more that I could've done.

I wish I could tell her about all the things that she's missed. How she missed graduations, weddings, proms, seeing my niece who is her only granddaughter. How I could ask her for advice on everything from school to being a teacher to girl problems to just the little things that a mom can do. She would've gotten a kick out of me being the most funniest in high school (hard to tell that from reading this, I know) but as Richard Pryor said sometimes you laugh on the outside to conceal the fact that you're crying on the inside. I hear a lot from her friends and my aunt about how very proud of me, how I turned out and how I want to be a teacher in order to help kids and give something back. I've also heard how it would break her heart that I hurt so badly over happened, but how else can I feel.

I know not everyone has the greatest mom in the world, and I'm sure some of you may not speak to your mom if she's still alive.

The point of this thread besides giving me somewhere to vent without being a burden to anyone else is this:

If not everyday, then just for today, forget about the flowers and cards and all the crap that they promote on holidays to make a buck. If your mom is still here, even if there are problems just call if you can't see her. Tell her how much she means to you, how thankful you are that she's been such a big part of your life.

Do it for those of us who can only dream of ever seeing their mom again, for those who can do nothing today but feel the heartache of not having their mom. As for me, the fact that she should still be alive hurts all the more.

I'm off to indulge in various substances, listen to Billie Holiday (one of Mom's favorites) and basically feel sorry for myself - but hey, on a day like this I feel I deserve it given the circumstances.

Happy Mother's Day to all moms, and I hope that those with mom still around make sure that she knows how much she means to you. I can only wish I could've said goodbye (hard to know that was going to happen at age 9), but maybe I can do some good in honor to her memory before it's all said and done.

I would go on, but this has probably gone on long enough. Thank God Bonnaroo is Father's Day weekend and not Mother's Day weekend. I hope to see some of you at Camp Inforoo and since I am anonymous, I won't be as big of a drag as I am right now - unless Sting says the hell with the Police and no shows

I love you Mom.