Whether it's your first Bonnaroo or you’re a music festival veteran, we welcome you to Inforoo.
Here you'll find info about artists, rumors, camping tips, and the infamous Roo Clues. Have a look around then create an account and join in the fun. See you at Bonnaroo!!
Contrary to some belief...it is ok to spend innocent time with someone and not go home with them while still enjoying the company of another human.
I assume this was either directed at me or in reference to my last post.
In that situation, it's frustrating when two people have different intentions. I was hoping she was single so that I could hang out with her again. She was just looking for supposedly innocent fun and flirting. I was actually bummed out and wasn't interested in someone who was unavailable. It's frustrating when time and again women who are in relationships engage me as though they're interested in me. I've found out the hard way multiple times now that girls I've been casually dating had boyfriends.
It triggers me for multiple reasons. 1. I'm either being lied to like in the past or in this case having information withheld from me. 2. It reminds me of my ex wife and how she was having emotional relationships behind my back. 3. Some dude is getting lied to by his girlfriend and I'm unknowingly a part of it which makes me feel like shit. 4. I would rather hear a girl say that she just isn't into me than tell me that she is totally into me but can't because of her boyfriend (who she proceeds to talk about as if he is a shitty person).
Long story short, people's intentions need to match up.
Are you sure these girls weren't in some kind of open/poly relationship? Were they definitely all going behind their partners' backs? If yes, that's super shitty. Lying and cheating make not for a commendable human being. But it is possible you just didn't have the full context, at least in some of the situations?
Considering you've found the need to respond to my threads as if you are threatened by me I offer you some peace my confused counterpart. May you find peace in your restless soul.
I assume this was either directed at me or in reference to my last post.
In that situation, it's frustrating when two people have different intentions. I was hoping she was single so that I could hang out with her again. She was just looking for supposedly innocent fun and flirting. I was actually bummed out and wasn't interested in someone who was unavailable. It's frustrating when time and again women who are in relationships engage me as though they're interested in me. I've found out the hard way multiple times now that girls I've been casually dating had boyfriends.
It triggers me for multiple reasons. 1. I'm either being lied to like in the past or in this case having information withheld from me. 2. It reminds me of my ex wife and how she was having emotional relationships behind my back. 3. Some dude is getting lied to by his girlfriend and I'm unknowingly a part of it which makes me feel like shit. 4. I would rather hear a girl say that she just isn't into me than tell me that she is totally into me but can't because of her boyfriend (who she proceeds to talk about as if he is a shitty person).
Long story short, people's intentions need to match up.
Are you sure these girls weren't in some kind of open/poly relationship? Were they definitely all going behind their partners' backs? If yes, that's super shitty. Lying and cheating make not for a commendable human being. But it is possible you just didn't have the full context, at least in some of the situations?
Well it's possible some are in poly relationships. I have a couple that I'm close friends with that are very open and that's a lot of fun. But I've had a boyfriend call me wanting to have words and that was not fun. And there is a difference in going on MULTIPLE dates with someone and never being told about the significant other. I feel like an open/poly person would tell me about it.
Contrary to some belief...it is ok to spend innocent time with someone and not go home with them while still enjoying the company of another human.
I assume this was either directed at me or in reference to my last post.
In that situation, it's frustrating when two people have different intentions. I was hoping she was single so that I could hang out with her again. She was just looking for supposedly innocent fun and flirting. I was actually bummed out and wasn't interested in someone who was unavailable. It's frustrating when time and again women who are in relationships engage me as though they're interested in me. I've found out the hard way multiple times now that girls I've been casually dating had boyfriends.
It triggers me for multiple reasons. 1. I'm either being lied to like in the past or in this case having information withheld from me. 2. It reminds me of my ex wife and how she was having emotional relationships behind my back. 3. Some dude is getting lied to by his girlfriend and I'm unknowingly a part of it which makes me feel like shit. 4. I would rather hear a girl say that she just isn't into me than tell me that she is totally into me but can't because of her boyfriend (who she proceeds to talk about as if he is a shitty person).
Long story short, people's intentions need to match up.
Long story short, it's not her fault that your intentions didn't match hers. It's just how things are.
Are you sure these girls weren't in some kind of open/poly relationship? Were they definitely all going behind their partners' backs? If yes, that's super shitty. Lying and cheating make not for a commendable human being. But it is possible you just didn't have the full context, at least in some of the situations?
Well it's possible some are in poly relationships. I have a couple that I'm close friends with that are very open and that's a lot of fun. But I've had a boyfriend call me wanting to have words and that was not fun. And there is a difference in going on MULTIPLE dates with someone and never being told about the significant other. I feel like an open/poly person would tell me about it.
That's true. I thought maybe these were girls you'd casually hung out with a few times - in which case, not everyone would feel the need to fully explain the context of their nonmonogamous relationship or whatever. But if you were actually dating them, then yes, that's different. They almost certainly would've (and definitively SHOULD've) told you about other partners. And the fact that they didn't does indicate that it was cheating going on, not ethical nonmonogamy.
Considering you've found the need to respond to my threads as if you are threatened by me I offer you some peace my confused counterpart. May you find peace in your restless soul.
Well it's possible some are in poly relationships. I have a couple that I'm close friends with that are very open and that's a lot of fun. But I've had a boyfriend call me wanting to have words and that was not fun. And there is a difference in going on MULTIPLE dates with someone and never being told about the significant other. I feel like an open/poly person would tell me about it.
That's true. I thought maybe these were girls you'd casually hung out with a few times - in which case, not everyone would feel the need to fully explain the context of their nonmonogamous relationship or whatever. But if you were actually dating them, then yes, that's different. They almost certainly would've (and definitively SHOULD've) told you about other partners. And the fact that they didn't does indicate that it was cheating going on, not ethical nonmonogamy.
Yeah I'm totally cool with all parties involved being informed and on board. I have no qualms against someone I'm not seeing exclusively to not be seeing me exclusively (obviously). But when a boyfriend you knew nothing about calls you up and wants to meet you to talk, that's a bad situation to be in.
I do see what you mean about open and poly relationships not always having to be spoken unless a monogamous conversation happens. I usually can get a good gauge on when someone is taking things more or less serious than I am, and that is definitely when it's time to have a talk.
I assume this was either directed at me or in reference to my last post.
In that situation, it's frustrating when two people have different intentions. I was hoping she was single so that I could hang out with her again. She was just looking for supposedly innocent fun and flirting. I was actually bummed out and wasn't interested in someone who was unavailable. It's frustrating when time and again women who are in relationships engage me as though they're interested in me. I've found out the hard way multiple times now that girls I've been casually dating had boyfriends.
It triggers me for multiple reasons. 1. I'm either being lied to like in the past or in this case having information withheld from me. 2. It reminds me of my ex wife and how she was having emotional relationships behind my back. 3. Some dude is getting lied to by his girlfriend and I'm unknowingly a part of it which makes me feel like shit. 4. I would rather hear a girl say that she just isn't into me than tell me that she is totally into me but can't because of her boyfriend (who she proceeds to talk about as if he is a shitty person).
Long story short, people's intentions need to match up.
Long story short, it's not her fault that your intentions didn't match hers. It's just how things are.
Sure, but it doesn't make it any less frustrating. I mean, I'm sure she was frustrated that I didn't want to continue playing along with her.
Sure, but it doesn't make it any less frustrating. I mean, I'm sure she was frustrated that I didn't want to continue playing along with her.
Or she's perfectly fine with the evening because she didn't have an agenda.
I still can't help but feel like you are insinuating I have some type of nefarious agenda, starting with your first comment that suggested I was trying to go home with her.
jakicker, what are you expecting will come out of your current dating adventure? I'm curious only because frustration tends to result when we expect the world to be other than it is. I'm not advocating a defeatist attitude or anything like that, but I've found that going into dates without having an idea of how it "should" go helps me relax into them - which is both to me and my date's benefit. (And for the record, I think expecting your date to not have a boyfriend is absolutely reasonable - you seem to have had some bad luck recently as far as that goes but try not to let that skew your view of the dating pool overall).
Another thing I wonder - how is your life outside of the relationship aspect? Are you satisfied things otherwise? I ask only because (and please forgive me if I'm being too forward or if I'm looking into things too deeply) I've got a niggling feeling that you might be over-investing yourself in the idea of being in a relationship. You seem to put a lot of yourself into dating. I might just be seeing parts of myself in you here - when I was younger I used to enter into relationships to escape from parts of myself/my life that I didn't want to deal with, especially to avoid loneliness - but I know it's easy to construct a fantasy about what being in a relationship would mean, and this can lead to both being frustrated when a relationship doesn't blossom and disappointed when it does but doesn't make you feel like you thought it would. I'm not saying that's what's going on here - I don't know you and I can only glean so much from message board posts - but regardless I think it's something worthwhile for anyone seeking a relationship to ask themselves.
jakicker, what are you expecting will come out of your current dating adventure? I'm curious only because frustration tends to result when we expect the world to be other than it is. I'm not advocating a defeatist attitude or anything like that, but I've found that going into dates without having an idea of how it "should" go helps me relax into them - which is both to me and my date's benefit. (And for the record, I think expecting your date to not have a boyfriend is absolutely reasonable - you seem to have had some bad luck recently as far as that goes but try not to let that skew your view of the dating pool overall).
Another thing I wonder - how is your life outside of the relationship aspect? Are you satisfied things otherwise? I ask only because (and please forgive me if I'm being too forward or if I'm looking into things too deeply) I've got a niggling feeling that you might be over-investing yourself in the idea of being in a relationship. You seem to put a lot of yourself into dating. I might just be seeing parts of myself in you here - when I was younger I used to enter into relationships to escape from parts of myself/my life that I didn't want to deal with, especially to avoid loneliness - but I know it's easy to construct a fantasy about what being in a relationship would mean, and this can lead to both being frustrated when a relationship doesn't blossom and disappointed when it does but doesn't make you feel like you thought it would. I'm not saying that's what's going on here - I don't know you and I can only glean so much from message board posts - but regardless I think it's something worthwhile for anyone seeking a relationship to ask themselves.
Hope things work out for ya!
I want to start by saying I appreciate that you put so much thought into this post. It's really insightful, thought-provoking, and appreciated.
I'll say that despite my bad luck with some of my brief dating partners being in relationships, I have almost always been the person to end things. I think the most obvious reasons for doing so early on were because I wasn't ready to be back in a relationship. As time progressed and I got what I believe to be closure from my divorce, I started realizing what I was looking for in a potential partner and being more precise in my dating life.
So why am I so dead set on this constant search for companionship? I think there are numerous answers. Originally, it was because I didn't know how to be alone. Now I have a hard time sharing my time with someone else. Partly I also feel like I'm making up for nine years of my life, basically my entire 20s, where I was only with one person. You could even say that it's just a lot more interesting than being by yourself when your friends aren't available. When you're married, you tend to be friends with other married couples. I've since made some single friends, and my married friends are amazing, but I have a lot of free time on my hands. Maybe much of the past year was because I know one day I'll probably be in another long relationship so I want to get all my personal exploration out while I'm still relatively young and in good shape. And finally, I obviously use this forum as my own personal journal sometimes, so I'm sorry for flooding it. Because of that, y'all are privy to a lot of my shit.
I think my non dating life is missing a little bit of purpose. People around me are starting or building up families. I have a great time in my life and dating is exciting, but it can be fleeting and the fun is short lived without substance.
So maybe I need a new hobby and need to stop trying so hard, or I can just keep this train rolling and hope for the best. I'm just not sure which it'll be.
jakicker, what are you expecting will come out of your current dating adventure? I'm curious only because frustration tends to result when we expect the world to be other than it is. I'm not advocating a defeatist attitude or anything like that, but I've found that going into dates without having an idea of how it "should" go helps me relax into them - which is both to me and my date's benefit. (And for the record, I think expecting your date to not have a boyfriend is absolutely reasonable - you seem to have had some bad luck recently as far as that goes but try not to let that skew your view of the dating pool overall).
Another thing I wonder - how is your life outside of the relationship aspect? Are you satisfied things otherwise? I ask only because (and please forgive me if I'm being too forward or if I'm looking into things too deeply) I've got a niggling feeling that you might be over-investing yourself in the idea of being in a relationship. You seem to put a lot of yourself into dating. I might just be seeing parts of myself in you here - when I was younger I used to enter into relationships to escape from parts of myself/my life that I didn't want to deal with, especially to avoid loneliness - but I know it's easy to construct a fantasy about what being in a relationship would mean, and this can lead to both being frustrated when a relationship doesn't blossom and disappointed when it does but doesn't make you feel like you thought it would. I'm not saying that's what's going on here - I don't know you and I can only glean so much from message board posts - but regardless I think it's something worthwhile for anyone seeking a relationship to ask themselves.
Hope things work out for ya!
I want to start by saying I appreciate that you put so much thought into this post. It's really insightful, thought-provoking, and appreciated.
I'll say that despite my bad luck with some of my brief dating partners being in relationships, I have almost always been the person to end things. I think the most obvious reasons for doing so early on were because I wasn't ready to be back in a relationship. As time progressed and I got what I believe to be closure from my divorce, I started realizing what I was looking for in a potential partner and being more precise in my dating life.
So why am I so dead set on this constant search for companionship? I think there are numerous answers. Originally, it was because I didn't know how to be alone. Now I have a hard time sharing my time with someone else. Partly I also feel like I'm making up for nine years of my life, basically my entire 20s, where I was only with one person. You could even say that it's just a lot more interesting than being by yourself when your friends aren't available. When you're married, you tend to be friends with other married couples. I've since made some single friends, and my married friends are amazing, but I have a lot of free time on my hands. Maybe much of the past year was because I know one day I'll probably be in another long relationship so I want to get all my personal exploration out while I'm still relatively young and in good shape. And finally, I obviously use this forum as my own personal journal sometimes, so I'm sorry for flooding it. Because of that, y'all are privy to a lot of my shit.
I think my non dating life is missing a little bit of purpose. People around me are starting or building up families. I have a great time in my life and dating is exciting, but it can be fleeting and the fun is short lived without substance.
So maybe I need a new hobby and need to stop trying so hard, or I can just keep this train rolling and hope for the best. I'm just not sure which it'll be.
Haha well I for one enjoy your journal entries. For as difficult as modern dating can be, you're putting yourself out there, and there's something to be said for that. Having lots of varied experiences is good for finding out what works for you and what doesn't. And having missed out on that aspect of your 20s just means you get a crash course in yourself now. Study up!
To some degree you might feel like the clock is ticking as you get older and the dating pool gets smaller, but I wouldn't worry about it too much. It's all a learning experience, and you seem to be very open to growth so I think things will work themselves out. As far as how to proceed? Eh, if something's telling you to keep the train rolling, then go for it. Either it'll work out for you or you'll wear yourself out and do something that works better for you - either way, you'll get where you're going.
Or she's perfectly fine with the evening because she didn't have an agenda.
I still can't help but feel like you are insinuating I have some type of nefarious agenda, starting with your first comment that suggested I was trying to go home with her.
I don't know about other girls. But I can certainly detect "trying hard"
Personally, I wouldn't leave the bar.
Confidence and being owed something are two different things.
I agree that dishonesty isn't good but unless you're mutually agreeing on the persuit of a relationship, talking at a bar isn't dishonest. Kind of shitty, yes. But at that point she's not doing anything wrong.
I still can't help but feel like you are insinuating I have some type of nefarious agenda, starting with your first comment that suggested I was trying to go home with her.
I don't know about other girls. But I can certainly detect "trying hard"
Personally, I wouldn't leave the bar.
Confidence and being owed something are two different things.
I agree that dishonesty isn't good but unless you're mutually agreeing on the persuit of a relationship, talking at a bar isn't dishonest. Kind of shitty, yes. But at that point she's not doing anything wrong.
That's all.
Look, you don't know me so please stop assuming things about me. First off, we were at a small party at a friend's house. This wasn't some girl I was "trying hard" with at a bar. Look, I agree with you that she did not do anything necessarily wrong. I have no idea the boundaries of her relationship. Maybe her boyfriend is fine with her dancing with other guys and flirting with them. I get it, it was just a misunderstanding.
I don't go home with strangers, with the exception of one time in the past year. And I didn't intend on going home with that person but she got into my Uber at the end of the night and I just went along with it. Not every man out there has sexual intentions.
We were at a small party of about 25 people and we had a lot in common and were attracted to each other, but one of us was in the relationship so that's as far as it went. This thread is about "catching a feeling" and I started liking her but it wasn't meant to be. So this is done. I'm not going to mention this situation again.
jakicker Sometimes I've read your stories and thought "huh, that isn't how I would've gone about things/interpreted the situation" or "here's a guy who definitely sees romantic interactions in a different light than I do." But that isn't an insult to you, at all. I like learning about divergent perspectives and attitudes than my own. People live their lives in all sorts of ways - especially when it comes to romance.
But please don't feel like anyone has chased you out of this thread/made you to feel like you shouldn't post here. Do as you please : ) If it helps to process things by writing about them here, that is entirely your prerogative. And for every person who goes out of their way to criticize you, there is gonna be at least a couple others who will give you well-intentioned advice.
If I let a couple people's rudeness/aggression towards me chase me away from posting, I wouldn't be on this forum anymore. But the awesome kind empathetic people here definitely outweigh the smattering of not-as-nice ones. Keep doing what you're doing, especially if talking about it feels therapeutic - but just know that you gotta let some posters' words roll off ya.
(And to clarify, I've had limited and totally neutral interaction with Karen. I don't have a personal issue with her. This is more of a general statement, advice that will be good for you to keep in mind, JaKicker)
Considering you've found the need to respond to my threads as if you are threatened by me I offer you some peace my confused counterpart. May you find peace in your restless soul.
Post by abrakapokus on Jun 22, 2016 9:20:39 GMT -5
It might be a good idea, in the future, to make space for those conversations to happen. I know I go into every conversation not knowing what it might grow into. With my relationships, I am able to do that, and thankfully so. I might meet someone and have wonderful conversation and think, this can still go a variety of ways. Once it gets to the point where I think it could lead to something more, I try to interject my relationship goals/status/works. Sometimes it's quite hard to find that space. Great conversation rolls from one subject to the next, flirting, and then making next plans. Maybe you can, once you start to get an idea of the feels being possible, say something like, "So, tell me about your relationships and relationship styles. Do you have any funny dating stories?" Out of those three things I would jump at the chance to make my dating style clear to the other person. The funny dating style bit just to keep it light.
It might be a good idea, in the future, to make space for those conversations to happen. I know I go into every conversation not knowing what it might grow into. With my relationships, I am able to do that, and thankfully so. I might meet someone and have wonderful conversation and think, this can still go a variety of ways. Once it gets to the point where I think it could lead to something more, I try to interject my relationship goals/status/works. Sometimes it's quite hard to find that space. Great conversation rolls from one subject to the next, flirting, and then making next plans. Maybe you can, once you start to get an idea of the feels being possible, say something like, "So, tell me about your relationships and relationship styles. Do you have any funny dating stories?" Out of those three things I would jump at the chance to make my dating style clear to the other person. The funny dating style bit just to keep it light.
Agree with all this. It can definitely be hard/at times awkward to find that space and make the right use of it. I think you and I both have had to adopt the practice of doing this sooner rather than later, by way of the relationship structures we're seeking & the knowledge that not everyone will want that and that it is a bit outside of the traditional norm that modern American society has established, I'm getting better at it, having that conversation early on and in a direct, honest manner so all involved parties are informed and can make the right decision(s) for them, but it can be tough! That's good advice, though, about adding something light/jokey so as to make the conversation feel more natural and casual. An unfortunate thing is, a lot of people shy away from open communication in the initial stages of interacting with a new potential partner. Because it can feel scary and challenging. But it is of the utmost importance, especially in setting the precedent for future openness of communication.
Considering you've found the need to respond to my threads as if you are threatened by me I offer you some peace my confused counterpart. May you find peace in your restless soul.
People should just carry business cards that explain what they are all about and hand them to new people they meet. Then once they finish reading you can say "now let us commence the casual conversation time." That would make everythign so much easier.
People should just carry business cards that explain what they are all about and hand them to new people they meet. Then once they finish reading you can say "now let us commence the casual conversation time." That would make everythign so much easier.
Knowing you, you're partly making a joke here but also partly serious.. And I think this is the kernel of a potentially great idea :0
Considering you've found the need to respond to my threads as if you are threatened by me I offer you some peace my confused counterpart. May you find peace in your restless soul.
People should just carry business cards that explain what they are all about and hand them to new people they meet. Then once they finish reading you can say "now let us commence the casual conversation time." That would make everythign so much easier.
I'm so fucking over being single and caring. I think I'm just going to finally give up.
being single is fun. I'll never understand why people get so invested in finding someone. In my experience I think that putting that expectation on things when going out (whether that be just out to a bar with friends, or even out on a first date) it really makes things just tense and uncomfortable. Having this idea that you're going to meet someone you want to spend your forever with, or even just years with. Stop looking for someone to date and just look for friends and cool people to hang out with. When you're more relaxed and comfortable with yourself and your place in life, then things start to fall into place. And I mean that romantically and platonically. <3
People should just carry business cards that explain what they are all about and hand them to new people they meet. Then once they finish reading you can say "now let us commence the casual conversation time." That would make everythign so much easier.
I've told myself that if I'm ever single again, when I meet new people I'm going to have a list of questions and disclosures to get out of the way before we start spending time together. Maybe a card would be more efficient.
I'm so fucking over being single and caring. I think I'm just going to finally give up.
being single is fun. I'll never understand why people get so invested in finding someone. In my experience I think that putting that expectation on things when going out (whether that be just out to a bar with friends, or even out on a first date) it really makes things just tense and uncomfortable. Having this idea that you're going to meet someone you want to spend your forever with, or even just years with. Stop looking for someone to date and just look for friends and cool people to hang out with. When you're more relaxed and comfortable with yourself and your place in life, then things start to fall into place. And I mean that romantically and platonically. <3
Agreed, I usually have a ton of fun being single. Part of me wishes I had someone to share in my experiences with, but the larger part of me is too busy enjoying these experiences.
I'm a little sad that I am heading to Europe by myself for New Years but the larger part of me is just thrilled to see new places. I wouldn't mind taking a date to the New Years Ball in Vienna, but I will enjoy waltzing with complete strangers too. Women overseas like me a lot more than women in the US
I'm so fucking over being single and caring. I think I'm just going to finally give up.
being single is fun. I'll never understand why people get so invested in finding someone. In my experience I think that putting that expectation on things when going out (whether that be just out to a bar with friends, or even out on a first date) it really makes things just tense and uncomfortable. Having this idea that you're going to meet someone you want to spend your forever with, or even just years with. Stop looking for someone to date and just look for friends and cool people to hang out with. When you're more relaxed and comfortable with yourself and your place in life, then things start to fall into place. And I mean that romantically and platonically. <3
Agreed. I've learned a lot about myself through the relationships I have had but also have learned so much during my solo times. A guy I'm seeing right now explained his relationship philosophy to me early on, to which I said I 100% concur, and I really liked how he framed it: basically, that he cares most about building a friendship first - even if it is alongside physical contact already, to still focus first and foremost on establishing that foundation of friendship and respect. And then if serious feelings develop from there, awesome, but even if the romance part fades/doesn't work out, the friendship will hopefully remain. Which I fully trust would be the case with us, if for whatever reason we do stop seeing each other romantically.
My general rule of thumb these days is that I don't want to go to bed with someone if I wouldn't also enjoy spending an evening just chatting with them. It is working out well, to approach romance/dating/sex that way
Considering you've found the need to respond to my threads as if you are threatened by me I offer you some peace my confused counterpart. May you find peace in your restless soul.
Being single only really sucks right after you get out of a relationship. I've never understood why people felt the need to always be in a relationship.
I'm so fucking over being single and caring. I think I'm just going to finally give up.
That's when I found someone.
The ladyfriend told me she had basically given up on finding anyone before she met me. I seem to remember her telling me that she was about a week away from just deleting all her dating profiles when we went out because she had been on so many awful dates.
