The Catch a Feeling thread

Ha, yep, she and I talked about that once - since I have an almost identical story, of having gone onto stoopid Tinder one day last April w the intention of deleting the app but then decided to message this one guy before deleting it...cause we had sufjan as a mutual interest and his bio asked some weird nerdy science question and I thought "eh might as well." So glad I did.

My person turned out great. Unfortunate for your girl, hers didn't so much :/

Yup. Me too. I have a theory about why that seems to happen so often. I think it has a lot to do with what I was saying before. Once you stop trying to meet someone to date you stop trying so hard to impress people and just start being yourself. That's what people find attractive. Just relax and things seem to fall into place. No expectations, no intentions, just people hanging out.



I was having a blast being single before Jack came into my life.... Jack and his fucking bullshit. 

I have a friend who is beautiful and your stereotypical "don't give a f*ck" wild party girl. I always have admired her for her laid back attitude and ability to have fun wherever and whenever (especially as she is having a blast out in NYC or at the casino as I am climbing into bed at 10 pm on a Friday). One day a few months ago, this conversation happened out of the blue:

Her: Do you want to get married?
Me: Sure. If and when it happens, that's great. If it doesn't happen or doesn't happen for a long time, that's cool too.
Her: That's why I admire you. You're so laid back and happy with who you are and where you are.

It was the best compliment that I got in a long time- especially from someone who I admire for the same reasons. Funny how that works out.

Out at a local pub the other night and the most beauitful girl I've ever seen walked in. She kept looking at me and smiling and all that and after a bit I finally got the courage to go talk with her.

She had a boyfriend.

Girls are stupid.

So I took y'all's advice and stopped trying the past week or so. It was refreshing.

So I'm starting this story out about 5 weeks ago when I got my last haircut. There is this store nearby that I go to after my haircuts where I like to buy my short sleeved button up shirts with sick patterns on them (if we are Facebook friends, you've undoubtedly seen them). Anyway, each time I picked out a shirt I wanted to try on, a saleswoman would take it from me immediately and bring it to a fitting room. Bothered the hell out of me.

Fast forward to today. I'm headed to my hair appointment. On the way, I make a mental note that I need some new shirts, preferably t shirts. Why t shirts? Because some of my female friends have been telling me that I wear sick patterned short sleeve button up shirts too often.

Haircut comes out looking great. I've got a new stylist who is pretty cute with dyed red hair and an undercut (or maybe a fade?) and glasses and tats. Very cute. She has a boyfriend but she is a great person. It starts pouring outside so I can't go to my car yet. I didn't want to get wet or mess up my fresh new hair. I get bored looking at the shit in the front of the shop, so I go next door to look around and wait out the weather.

Low and behold, there is a kickass t shirt and other clothes shop next door. I think "this is fate!" The shirts are cool and unique and reasonably priced. Girl behind the counter asks if I need help, but she is also on the phone. I say I'm good and keep shopping. I found some stuff I liked and started taking some from the racks. I'm the only person in the store.

She comes up and politely takes them from me to put in a fitting room. Immediately, I'm reminded of the other store situation, but I'm in a good mood AND I'M NOT TRYING. So I start joking with her that I'm on to her game and she is going to keep taking stuff out of my hands. She laughs and promises not to do it. I tell her I'm watching her. I grab a few more things and hold them where she can see them and playfully try to bait her with them. She smiles and laughs.

I try on the clothes, pick what I like, and then go check out. More playful banter. I start trying on sunglasses because mine were stolen a few weeks ago. That leads to another 3-5 minutes of talking. I buy everything and leave.

Halfway out the door, I realize "should I have asked that girl out?" Did I miss a legit chance? Had I consciously been trying, things wouldn't have been so natural and smooth. Maybe fate wasn't the shirts. Maybe fate was that girl.

I don't know what to do now. So I get in my car, and I put the bag on my seat. Staring back at me is the name of the business and the phone number for the store. She is the only employee there today. She made a comment about how slow things were that week.

It took some pumping up for it, but I call the number. I told her that it was really weird that I was doing this on her work phone, but did she want to have drinks sometime. She first asked how old I was (I have a baby face). I said 31 and she is 35 and asked if that was a problem. I said no of course not. She enthusiastically said yes! We are going out on Tuesday.

Do you realize all the things that had to happen for that to happen? I'm by no means saying this is going to be my soul mate, but felt like fate. Don't worry, I don't deel any pressure about the date having to go perfectly. It may just be fate that this happened for me to get my confidence back.

You are not wrong for feeling suspicious in those circumstances, I would feel exactly the same way that you do. That being said, it may very well be harmless. It sounds like you sufficiently made it known that this bothered you, and I am not sure that further discussion would help. As a person removed from the situation, my advice would be to accept her explanation without further discussion, but stay alert to potential reasonable warning signs.

Been dating four and a half months now, and not long distance. My line of thinking was pretty much in line with schmohawk's advice; sometimes I just like to have feedback about what's a "normal" reaction and what's just my crazy coming through.

When people ask me what I'm particularly sensitive to:



It's weird, most things in life just roll off my back and don't get me too flustered, but when I'm in relationships...woo boy I get super sensitive. I'm pretty self-aware (to a fault, sometimes) so usually I can reign it in when I feel ridiculousness stirring within me, but luckily I'm with someone who will (usually) hear me out when I can't. Usually I just need my feelings validated and I'm okay - it gets hard when you don't know which parts of yourself you should trust and which you shouldn't, and I find that feedback helps a lot.

This is the a great thing to recognize about the situation.



I don't think there's anything to gain from bringing it up again. Feelings are weird and dumb and irrational and frustrating. You're not wrong to feel insecure. You just have to recognize (which it's clear that you have) that the problem lies within you, not her or you two as a unit. Take a breath, feel those feelings and let it go. When I feel like that I usually go for a nice long run and let my brain think all sorts of crazy things. Eventually I just kinda stop thinking about it and the feelings dissipate as the endorphins kick in. By the end I feel better prepared to be a normal human again. Maybe you have some sort of stress relief that you can do?

If this turns into a pattern of thoughts I don't think it would be wrong to address it with her. But you have to broach the subject as, "I've been feeling weird thoughts lately. It's my latent discomfort with trust kicking in. I want you to know that I know it's crazy but I value your opinion and want your help with it."

I've made lots and lots of strides in the past year or so to really diminish jealous feelings - or, at the least, when they do come up, to be able to rationally talk myself down from that jealousy edge because the emotion just makes me feel yucky inside and doesn't ever feel productive, but we are human. It is a thing we all feel sometimes, even those who aren't as jealousy-prone. I am going to give advice based on what you've detailed about yourself, though, rather than from a stance of "jealousy is stupid, get rid of it now!" 'Cause everyone is different

This is kind of a tough one, because on the one hand, you have this awareness of a discomfort from what happened - and you obviously don't want to ignore that/push it aside, since that'll just come back to bite ya later on. However, on the other hand, you have already talked about it with her. You brought it to the table, gave her the opportunity to explain, and she did. If I were her and you brought it up AGAIN, I'd probably start to question why you didn't trust my original explanation. Given that, I think it is best for you to try and further process this on your own, with friends (like you are here!), with a therapist if you see one, etc. Bringing it up again with her might just come off badly, and that obviously isn't your intention - you're just trying to honor your feelings and make use of your self awareness, and yay for both those things; you just gotta be careful, too, about not seeming distrustful or paranoid to the outside eye (in this case, to the gf).


Well I could've told her THAT

Oh hai - did someone encourage you to do such a thing?

Just wondering. 

Trust and security takes time to build. I think it's totally normal to have these feelings. Deep down if you feel she is not cheating then there is no reason to discuss it with her further unless it continues to happen and bothers you. I was psycho (shocking and hard to imagine I know) when Brian and I got together, as you grow together that fades away (or at least should).

I'm about to have my first date after joining okc. Not tonight, I mean in a few days.

That's adorable. Hope you guys hit it off!