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Never ghosted. I think it's shitty. Like sometimes convo peters out (or never gets anywhere in the first place) and that's fine, but if I go on a date with you I'm gonna let you know if I don't want to see you again.
I pretty much always ask if they liked it and what I found about it. Feel like getting ghosted makes it even harder to set myself up for a date with another person.
On the subject of body count, I do wish it was a little higher. I never really experienced 'college life' in the sense that I've never had the opporunity to have a dorm/appartement on my own and my friends not being the going out-type. So pretty much all of the flings I've had have been at people's places. I do think having a place of my own will/could help?
I honestly think it’s completely messed up to ghost someone you know likes you. You’re literally being mean and making someone feel terrible on purpose, bc you don’t want to put yourself in an uncomfortable place. With text, there’s no reason not to answer.
I honestly think it’s completely messed up to ghost someone you know likes you. You’re literally being mean and making someone feel terrible on purpose, bc you don’t want to put yourself in an uncomfortable place. With text, there’s no reason not to answer.
Is it ghosting in your opinion, if you talk for 2 days and decide on a date day, have two full days of work and thus don't text until that day? The person than accuses you of ghosting as you try to establish a date via text, and they then say you ghosted them when you were the last message in the chain. Give me your full opinion.
So any ideas for someone who doesn't feel comfortable in their own skin? If we are going to make this a therapy session. I don't bother trying to do online dating because of a really bad experience in early 2020, and bad dates across 2019 through those services -- I didn't feel, um, attractive to 90% of the people I'd even get a match with. It felt like they had given up or were seeking to confirm if another relationship was more valuable (I was told three times, that they were pursuing someone specific afterwards -- because I can also be very open with my emotions and sexually related topics).
It threw me completely off and that was me AFTER trying to get over a long term relationship with someone that people here even met. Which is a lot, for me - that you all knew her and I find it difficult to date or branch out.. (or go to a bar, especially with my current panic attacks).
So where do I even start?
For self love, I suggest the mirror love exercise.
Every single day stand naked in front of your mirror and say the things that you love about yourself. The first day is going to be really difficult and pretty emotional. But every day you build upon that and you find more things that you love about yourself. This is very important because your body and image changes so this helps you as you grow and as you change to continue to love things about yourself.
The longer and more consistent that you do this exercise the more self-love you get for yourself. I personally believe that it's a game changer. It's hard, it's rough, it's emotional, but in the end you'll become more comfortable and confident in yourself.
I'll admit I'm having a really rough issue with this as it is a thing that my therapist already presented.
I didn't respond directly because I didn't feel able to at the point but... I will tell you I look at my black skin and my life and I feel ugly. and wrong. and I work on it with therapy but my seizures end up taking up more space than that issue.
So I look in the mirror and see a liability.
I don't see the same thing other people apparently see, since I believe people aren't blowing smoke up my ass
I honestly think it’s completely messed up to ghost someone you know likes you. You’re literally being mean and making someone feel terrible on purpose, bc you don’t want to put yourself in an uncomfortable place. With text, there’s no reason not to answer.
Is it ghosting in your opinion, if you talk for 2 days and decide on a date day, have two full days of work and thus don't text until that day? The person than accuses you of ghosting as you try to establish a date via text, and they then say you ghosted them when you were the last message in the chain. Give me your full opinion.
Are you asking if I think it should take someone two days to return a text? No. Even all my friends who suck at texting, answer their partners as soon as possible.
Is it ghosting in your opinion, if you talk for 2 days and decide on a date day, have two full days of work and thus don't text until that day? The person than accuses you of ghosting as you try to establish a date via text, and they then say you ghosted them when you were the last message in the chain. Give me your full opinion.
Are you asking if I think it should take someone two days to return a text? No. Even all my friends who suck at texting, answer their partners as soon as possible.
The last person I was planning on a date with said she was 'busy all the time with working' when I pointed out she ghosted me. After another back and forth message, she ghosted me again.
In the early stages of dating it's perfectly reasonable to go a couple of days without texting as long as last text received wasn't something that solicits a response. Sometimes people don't engage because they know it'll lead into a conversation that may require more time/energy than is available.
Once physical affection and intimacy are introduced though I think you're expected to respond in a more timely manner.
Once I slept with someone after agreeing to a FWB situationship. It was excellent and was looking forward to the next round, but she stopped responding to my texts and after three weeks she responded and was literally like "sorry been so busy" with a sad emoji. I accused her of ghosting and how it caused me to lose respect for her and she was like "sorry what did you think this was?" Ended up dropping her right then and there.
I say that story with an added curiosity to wonder if there is a difference between serial hookups, friend with benefits, and just straight up using someone for sex. I think they're all kinda the same but maybe a little different.
In the early stages of dating it's perfectly reasonable to go a couple of days without texting as long as last text received wasn't something that solicits a response. Sometimes people don't engage because they know it'll lead into a conversation that may require more time/energy than is available.
Once physical affection and intimacy are introduced though I think you're expected to respond in a more timely manner.
Once I slept with someone after agreeing to a FWB situationship. It was excellent and was looking forward to the next round, but she stopped responding to my texts and after three weeks she responded and was literally like "sorry been so busy" with a sad emoji. I accused her of ghosting and how it caused me to lose respect for her and she was like "sorry what did you think this was?" Ended up dropping her right then and there.
I say that story with an added curiosity to wonder if there is a difference between serial hookups, friend with benefits, and just straight up using someone for sex. I think they're all kinda the same but maybe a little different.
Yah a lot of times people assume FWB is essentially Door Dash for sex.
Post by LoveLuckLaughter on Apr 17, 2022 13:32:32 GMT -5
I was just catching up on these and wanting to hug everyone thinking to myself "Why does this all have to be so complicated? Why can't people just be upfront and vocalize what they want/are expecting, how they are feeling etc instead of putting others through all of this?" And then I realized I am the worst at non-expression because I grew up in a home where your safety was in jeopardy if you expressed displeasure or even happiness in the wrong area or if you weren't able to read the vibe around you and act accordingly/mirror behavior. It is so hard being human and navigating interactions with other people. Being so isolated the last few years has made is so much harder too.
We're all a mess of paradoxes. Believing in things we know can't be true. We walk around carrying feelings too complicated and contradictory to express. But when it all becomes too big, and words aren't enough to help get it all out, there's always music.
Is it ghosting in your opinion, if you talk for 2 days and decide on a date day, have two full days of work and thus don't text until that day? The person than accuses you of ghosting as you try to establish a date via text, and they then say you ghosted them when you were the last message in the chain. Give me your full opinion.
Are you asking if I think it should take someone two days to return a text? No. Even all my friends who suck at texting, answer their partners as soon as possible.
Not a partner. A first date.
edit: And there's the part where I responded to all texts before, I just didn't have time to talk during the two days in between because I had 12 hr days at work. It wasn't a response, the person said I ghosted them for not trying to talk before our first date when I was busy.
Last Edit: Apr 17, 2022 13:35:59 GMT -5 by Deleted - Back to Top
Is it ghosting in your opinion, if you talk for 2 days and decide on a date day, have two full days of work and thus don't text until that day? The person than accuses you of ghosting as you try to establish a date via text, and they then say you ghosted them when you were the last message in the chain. Give me your full opinion.
Are you asking if I think it should take someone two days to return a text? No. Even all my friends who suck at texting, answer their partners as soon as possible.
hard disagree with this as a blanket statement. I have dated multiple people who I didn’t text with every day/who sometimes took a while to respond and it doesn’t automatically mean that person is shitty or trying to be elusive or whatever.
Also, if you’ve established a day for the date, why would you need to necessarily text between the setting of said date and the day you’re meeting up?? I see literally no problem with there being a gap in conversation there. You’re about to see them IRL
Considering you've found the need to respond to my threads as if you are threatened by me I offer you some peace my confused counterpart. May you find peace in your restless soul.
Are you asking if I think it should take someone two days to return a text? No. Even all my friends who suck at texting, answer their partners as soon as possible.
hard disagree with this as a blanket statement. I have dated multiple people who I didn’t text with every day/who sometimes took a while to respond and it doesn’t automatically mean that person is shitty or trying to be elusive or whatever.
Also, if you’ve established a day for the date, why would you need to necessarily text between the setting of said date and the day you’re meeting up?? I see literally no problem with there being a gap in conversation there. You’re about to see them IRL
Some people see the texting between established dates as nurturing the relationship. Those of us that have been ghosted a lot know that something as small as lack of communication can cause a connection to go cold really quickly. For some people it's really not an issue, but I for one have thought many times that things couldn't be going any better just to be blindsided by "actually I've been doing a little thinking and..." or just plain ghosting.
hard disagree with this as a blanket statement. I have dated multiple people who I didn’t text with every day/who sometimes took a while to respond and it doesn’t automatically mean that person is shitty or trying to be elusive or whatever.
Also, if you’ve established a day for the date, why would you need to necessarily text between the setting of said date and the day you’re meeting up?? I see literally no problem with there being a gap in conversation there. You’re about to see them IRL
Some people see the texting between established dates as nurturing the relationship. Those of us that have been ghosted a lot know that something as small as lack of communication can cause a connection to go cold really quickly. For some people it's really not an issue, but I for one have thought many times that things couldn't be going any better just to be blindsided by "actually I've been doing a little thinking and..." or just plain ghosting.
I’ve been ghosted before too and it is total shit, and there’s no excuse for it IMO. but what he described isn’t even close to him having ghosted this person, and if she made the leap and the jump to that accusation so quickly after he was just busy for 2 days but they already had a date set… to me that’s a huge overreaction and would personally be a red flag. But each to their own.
Considering you've found the need to respond to my threads as if you are threatened by me I offer you some peace my confused counterpart. May you find peace in your restless soul.
Are you asking if I think it should take someone two days to return a text? No. Even all my friends who suck at texting, answer their partners as soon as possible.
hard disagree with this as a blanket statement. I have dated multiple people who I didn’t text with every day/who sometimes took a while to respond and it doesn’t automatically mean that person is shitty or trying to be elusive or whatever.
Also, if you’ve established a day for the date, why would you need to necessarily text between the setting of said date and the day you’re meeting up?? I see literally no problem with there being a gap in conversation there. You’re about to see them IRL
Bc it’s rude to just ignore people? Why would I want to potentially set up a life with someone who didn’t even prioritize a 30 second text response? Like do you totally change and become this amazing answer when you decide you’re in love? That seems weird and arbitrary. How hard is it to say “just a heads up, I like to stay focused on in the moment life, so I’m terrible at texting. I’m so excited to see you on Tuesday tho!” Or “ugh work has been a bitch today, I’ll hit you up tomorrow “. Sorry, it’s common courtesy.
Some people see the texting between established dates as nurturing the relationship. Those of us that have been ghosted a lot know that something as small as lack of communication can cause a connection to go cold really quickly. For some people it's really not an issue, but I for one have thought many times that things couldn't be going any better just to be blindsided by "actually I've been doing a little thinking and..." or just plain ghosting.
I’ve been ghosted before too and it is total shit, and there’s no excuse for it IMO. but what he described isn’t even close to him having ghosted this person, and if she made the leap and the jump to that accusation so quickly after he was just busy for 2 days but they already had a date set… to me that’s a huge overreaction and would personally be a red flag. But each to their own.
Fwiw I think in early stages of dating there is no reason to ever put the energy into getting really upset over something like what's described. The 34-year-old present day me knows now that it's just a part of modern dating (wish I could tell my younger self that!)
May sound weird but I've also just discovered upon myself that I don't date busy people. Like if people say something to me about how busy they are from work or family or extracurriculars I usually just wish them luck in finding someone with the patience and mindset for that.
When I enter the dating pool I do so with the mentality that I have the available time and energy for it. Not saying everyone has to do that, I just know myself and that when I take an interest in someone I like to prioritize it. I tend to naturally place more value on that than work or hobbies.
Considering you've found the need to respond to my threads as if you are threatened by me I offer you some peace my confused counterpart. May you find peace in your restless soul.
Well cool. I realize I'm a shit head for not talking enough and making space during work this Sunday. Happy EasteR!
All you need to do is tell her you’re busy and overwhelmed. If she continues to be upset or try to carry on a text conversation, then that’s on her and you’ve done your part.
Well cool. I realize I'm a shit head for not talking enough and making space during work this Sunday. Happy EasteR!
Nah man you didnt necessarily do anything wrong. Was really just describing myself and what works for me. There's no universal rule for the right way or wrong way.
I will just say that lack of communication usually translates to lack of interest by the receiver. May not be the truth of it, but that's usually the default reading from someone that doesnt know you well.
To be clear, I think it is perfectly fine and healthy to negotiate in a relationship—new or old—some joint agreed upon expectations around communication. I just do NOT think it should be an unspoken expectation from the get go; if she’d merely raised to him, “hey just wanted to check in and see if we are still on for {day of date}” then that would’ve given him the opportunity to confirm and even share the info that he’s been busy.
Her accusing him without asking any clarifying info first is what I’m reacting so negatively to. It has the air of “it’s on the dude to always follow up/confirm” since he said he’d replied to her last message, just didn’t then initiate another one for a couple days.
Considering you've found the need to respond to my threads as if you are threatened by me I offer you some peace my confused counterpart. May you find peace in your restless soul.
To be clear, I think it is perfectly fine and healthy to negotiate in a relationship—new or old—some joint agreed upon expectations around communication. I just do NOT think it should be an unspoken expectation from the get go; if she’d merely raised to him, “hey just wanted to check in and see if we are still on for {day of date}” then that would’ve given him the opportunity to confirm and even share the info that he’s been busy.
Her accusing him without asking any clarifying info first is what I’m reacting so negatively to. It has the air of “it’s on the dude to always follow up/confirm” since he said he’d replied to her last message, just didn’t then initiate another one for a couple days.
2nd paragraph is spot on. The way she reacted to it was irrational and probably seeded from her own insecurity which yeah is big red flag.
Some people see the texting between established dates as nurturing the relationship. Those of us that have been ghosted a lot know that something as small as lack of communication can cause a connection to go cold really quickly. For some people it's really not an issue, but I for one have thought many times that things couldn't be going any better just to be blindsided by "actually I've been doing a little thinking and..." or just plain ghosting.
I’ve been ghosted before too and it is total shit, and there’s no excuse for it IMO. but what he described isn’t even close to him having ghosted this person, and if she made the leap and the jump to that accusation so quickly after he was just busy for 2 days but they already had a date set… to me that’s a huge overreaction and would personally be a red flag. But each to their own.
Agree with AEP. Maybe life 'is' busy. It can be for me, for you, the person you want to date but for me those first 24/48h are crucial in setting up some soort of basic relationship. I really like open communication aswell and just saying that there's a reason that is not related to me or the relationship you're wanting to build, gives me a bit of comfort. That said. If you're both just looking for a fling, I think it matters less idk.
Last Edit: Apr 17, 2022 14:51:42 GMT -5 by Bing - Back to Top
If you don't communicate what your expectations are for communication, and then your expectations aren't met, any upsetness belongs to you.
The fact that there are so many different opinions on this is evidence enough that you should assume you are not on the same page until all parties make sure they're on the same page.
If you don't communicate what your expectations are for communication, and then your expectations aren't met, any upsetness belongs to you.
The fact that there are so many different opinions on this is evidence enough that you should assume you are not on the same page until all parties make sure they're on the same page.
If you don't communicate what your expectations are for communication, and then your expectations aren't met, any upsetness belongs to you.
The fact that there are so many different opinions on this is evidence enough that you should assume you are not on the same page until all parties make sure they're on the same page.
Once again the pineapple speaks wisdom
Easier said than done though for sure! I talk a good game but I promise you that I am equally great at responding to a direct question with a 20-second silence and a shrug.
If you don't communicate what your expectations are for communication, and then your expectations aren't met, any upsetness belongs to you.
The fact that there are so many different opinions on this is evidence enough that you should assume you are not on the same page until all parties make sure they're on the same page.
I agree with this pretty much all the way but feel the need to discuss your last point of "until all parties make sure they're on the same page."
Because I think in the early stages of dating someone (first 5 dates or three weeks, whichever comes first), most people don't come right out saying "this is what I expect in terms of communication." I think most people would see that as overzealous, possibly obsessive or controlling and mark it as a red flag. You kinda risk losing the natural appeal.
I like to equate dating to surfing in that it's all about finding a balance to ride it through the crest or just wipe out and bail.
So the real question is when have you made it to the safe point of being able to discuss your needs to feel comfortable in something without coming off as needy or insecure, and how do you bring it up naturally without a prior incident that necessitates bringing it up?
If you don't communicate what your expectations are for communication, and then your expectations aren't met, any upsetness belongs to you.
The fact that there are so many different opinions on this is evidence enough that you should assume you are not on the same page until all parties make sure they're on the same page.
I agree with this pretty much all the way but feel the need to discuss your last point of "until all parties make sure they're on the same page."
Because I think in the early stages of dating someone (first 5 dates or three weeks, whichever comes first), most people don't come right out saying "this is what I expect in terms of communication." I think most people would see that as overzealous, possibly obsessive or controlling and mark it as a red flag. You kinda risk losing the natural appeal.
I like to equate dating to surfing in that it's all about finding a balance to ride it through the crest or just wipe out and bail.
So the real question is when have you made it to the safe point of being able to discuss your needs to feel comfortable in something without coming off as needy or insecure, and how do you bring it up naturally without a prior incident that necessitates bringing it up?
I usually have a document prepared for my potential partner to sign that outlines my relationship requirements prior to engaging with me. It's solely for their acknowledgement though, and they aren't bound to it - that just would be weird. I have a separate one for sex on my nightstand.
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