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Post by trippindaisy on Apr 18, 2007 13:24:58 GMT -5
So I know this is WAY off topic but I think in general you guys give really good advice so help me out on this one please.
My 15 year old daughter has no interest in boys, but has many friends that are boys. She is openly supportive of gay rights and is taking part in the Day of Silence today. She has posted many things on her Deviant Art website that point to the fact that she may be a lesbian. On her Myspace page under Sexual Orientation it says Not Sure. She is very much a tom-boy and hates anything that is girly. She refuses to wear dresses or skirts. She knows I am extremely open minded and I am sure she knows that if she told me I would have no issue with it, but the topic has not been raised between us. Other members of the family may have an issue with it (her father's side of the family), but my fiance and I would not. It is who she is, and we love her no matter what.
So my question is, how do I ask her if she is gay? We do have a pretty good relationship but I just don't know how to start...... If she is I would like it to be out in the open with us, so she doesn't feel like she has to hide it from us.
Post by roolacksreality on Apr 18, 2007 13:32:34 GMT -5
Don't ask her. High school is one of the most judgemental times of our lives, so if you ask her she will just feel like those prejudices are there at home, too. Regardless of whether she is a homosexual.
If you want my two cents, by generalizations she definately could be gay. But like I said, that's just a generalization. You never know. Don't ask her, though. Assuming she is gay, she'll tell you when she's ready (Most likely when she's in a newer environment, like college.).
I agree. If you're open, and she feels comfortable talking to you she'll tell you when she's ready. When she knows herself what she really feels. Don't ask her.
Post by sparklybecca on Apr 18, 2007 13:36:29 GMT -5
yea dont ask her but maybe let her know in your own way that you are there for her no matter what and you love her no matter what (which im sure you already do )
Post by poopzilla33 on Apr 18, 2007 13:45:02 GMT -5
theres no harm in that, if she is gay then she'll know you accept who she is and she'll feel better, if she sin't than it will be slightly emabrrasing but she'll know just how much you love her, if she's unsure maybe you could help her figure it all out
Post by spookymonster on Apr 18, 2007 13:49:47 GMT -5
Sexual experimentation is far more prevalent than it was back in our day, TD. Luckily, it's also better tolerated than the "good ol' 80s", IMHO. She may not have made her mind up yet, so asking her could prove pointless, confusing, and embarassing. I know one girl that loved to brag how she was 'playing for the other team' in her Freshman year of college; 3 years later, she's living with a guy in Queens and talking about marriage. It's a sign of the times.
If I might ask, why is it necessary to have an answer? If she understands your feelings on the subject, she'll speak her peace on her terms, in her own time.
Post by trippindaisy on Apr 18, 2007 13:53:13 GMT -5
spookymonster said:
Sexual experimentation is far more prevalent than it was back in our day, TD. Luckily, it's also better tolerated than the "good ol' 80s", IMHO. She may not have made her mind up yet, so asking her could prove pointless, confusing, and embarassing. I know one girl that loved to brag how she was 'playing for the other team' in her Freshman year of college; 3 years later, she's living with a guy in Queens and talking about marriage. It's a sign of the times.
If I might ask, why is it necessary to have an answer? If she understands your feelings on the subject, she'll speak her peace on her terms, in her own time.
It isn't necessary to have an answer really. I am curious obviously, but also I don't want her to feel like she has to hide this from us if she is gay. I guess I feel like if she is, that maybe it would be easier for her if we knew and she had our total support.
Living in the South probably has a heavy bearing the situation, too. There are a lot of people here that aren't very open minded on the issue. I hate to admit it, but some are even friends of mine.
Good people.. they aren't going to go out beating up homosexuals or anything, they just don't think it's right. As long as it's just thoughts and not actions, I take no qualm with them.
At any rate, if you have a pretty solid relationship with your daughter, I'd say to approach her about it, but don't do it directly or blatantly, nor force a response. But be sure to express the supportive part. And take her privacy in to consideration- she may not want siblings or other family members knowing in fear of them treating her differently.
If you don't have a fantastic relationship, maybe you should wait on her to approach you.. Even if you address her about it, then tell her that you are supportive, she may be a little uneasy, assuming you aren't her proverbial "Rock of Gibraltar."
Post by spookymonster on Apr 18, 2007 14:06:58 GMT -5
Maybe she's just afraid of a family conflict. If she tells you, then (in her mind, at least) it's only a matter of time before her father's side of the family hears about it. And if they're as intolerant as you say, that's a whole can of ugly she might not be willing to deal with (yet).
It's all cool that you're willing to stand up and 'fight' for your daughter's lifestyle, but not everyone wants to make a political point of their sexuality. Sometimes, it's just easier to let the dog sleep under the porch...
Post by trippindaisy on Apr 18, 2007 14:11:01 GMT -5
bsrome said:
Living in the South probably has a heavy bearing the situation, too. There are a lot of people here that aren't very open minded on the issue. I hate to admit it, but some are even friends of mine.
Good people.. they aren't going to go out beating up homosexuals or anything, they just don't think it's right. As long as it's just thoughts and not actions, I take no qualm with them.
At any rate, if you have a pretty solid relationship with your daughter, I'd say to approach her about it, but don't do it directly or blatantly, nor force a response. But be sure to express the supportive part. And take her privacy in to consideration- she may not want siblings or other family members knowing in fear of them treating her differently.
If you don't have a fantastic relationship, maybe you should wait on her to approach you.. Even if you address her about it, then tell her that you are supportive, she may be a little uneasy, assuming you aren't her proverbial "Rock of Gibraltar."
Just my $.02
Agreed there is a lot of intolerance in the South, although we are in Nashville which I don't think is so bad. Her friends are also a pretty diverse crowd so I think she would have the support among them.
I do have a good relationship with her - we are going to Roo together for the 2nd time this year - so I think I will just bring it up and see where the discussion goes.
As for her privacy, I do not have any contact with her father (who is extremely judgemental and a religous hypocrite) and she knows I would never share that kind of info with the rest of his family - although I do have a pretty good relationship with them.
Post by amantesuena on Apr 18, 2007 15:33:10 GMT -5
its just a horrible experience knowing that your parents reject your life choices. my best friend told his mother he was gay my sophomore year of college. i had been talking him into it for months, and he finally just got the balls to tell her. she told him he wasnt gay, and that it was just a desperate attempt to get attention. he was completely devastated. and now, more than 4 years later, he still isnt "out".
i think its amazing how much you care and how accepting you are. best of luck, either way.
ok - my thoughts - as the mother of a 13 - almost 14 year old female who has given no indication of being "boy crazy" - and who dresses - goth/emo/punk/grunge - I have no idea how to classify it - it is her own style - but far from "girly girly" feminine - just mention that you noticed on her myspace that she put "not sure" - if she wants to tell you anything - she will - if you provide the opening.
Here's is are my main questions:
Good grades? No drugs? Stays out of trouble? Good friends?
if yes to all of the above - then who cares what her sexual orientation is? I do understand you feeling as though it would be easier for her if she has told you and you may be right - do what your heart tells you to do.
Post by oatmealschnappz on Apr 18, 2007 16:07:15 GMT -5
Just give her the time and space she needs to figure things out. I wouldn't ask her. That might seem too personal and direct, considering that she may not even be sure herself. If you make it clear that you love and support her, she'll open up to you when the time is right for her. This is a life changing move that she has to make on her own terms. Pressure, even by the most loving and best-intentioned mother, can make things even more confusing than they already are. I had a friend in highschool who was questioning his sexuality. Even though we all had an idea that he might be gay, none of us (his close friends and twin brother) ever approached him about it. It wasn't our place to "force his hand" on the matter, so we all just waited until he was ready to talk to us. His mom, who had asked several of us if he was openly gay around us, eventually had a talk with him about it. It went very badly! He started acting very different around us and seemed like he thought that he had to prove something to the world. He ended-up more confused and pretty depressed for quite a while. He eventually (apparently) decided that he was straight. He actualy became that guy (we all know) who gets more ladies than everyone else we know combined. One night he told me (he brought it up) about that awful day when his mom "confronted" him. He likened it to my mom asking me, out of nowhere, if I liked anal sex better than oral sex....or if I would consider myself an ass-man or a breast man. He said that it was humiliating! I don't think that his relayionship with his mom was ever the same after that. I'm not, in any way, trying to say that anything like this would ever happen between you and your daughter. His mom was a little "flighty" and obviously didn't handle things very well at all.
(Just something to think about)
(Karma)
Last Edit: Apr 18, 2007 16:15:35 GMT -5 by oatmealschnappz - Back to Top
You could bring up the subject easily kind of in the 3rd person by talking about how you admire something about the lifestyle of one of the famous lesbians who seem to be proud of their accomplishments. The three that come to mind and are in the public eye are Rosie O'Donnell with her large family and cruises for gay families, Melissa Ethridge with her musical talent and family, and Ellen Degeneres who is possible the funniest woman on earth and came out on her TV sitcom at a time when it wasn't quite as accepted as it is today. She lost her sitcom, but came back to win awards for her daytime talk show.
This would give her a chance to give some opinions, or not, in a very non threatening way.
Just a thought about the approach. I am a big fan of these three women and their accomplishments in the face of huge amounts of predjudicial adversity.
Post by billypilgrim on Apr 18, 2007 16:44:40 GMT -5
Being from San Francisco, I have incredibly powerful gaydar. So I can tell you that your daughter is not gay. She may be leaning that way, but 15 is a very vulnerable, unsettled age. (I have a 15 and 17 year old daughters, so I speak from experience.) All you can do, all you should do, is show her in words and actions that your love for her is unconditional, that you're not prejudiced against gays, and that she should feel comfortable coming to you with any issue without you getting all judgmental.
You could have participated in her Day of Silence.....that would have showed you had some interest and made her see you are cool with it and like to support others...
Post by trippindaisy on Apr 18, 2007 19:20:20 GMT -5
pittbob said:
You could have participated in her Day of Silence.....that would have showed you had some interest and made her see you are cool with it and like to support others...
I told her I would have particpated if I didn't have to answer a phone all day at work and deal with people every minute I am there. It really wasn't an option for me. I did however print out all the cards for her to hand out so she knows that I supported it either way.
For the previous question about her grades etc. Her grades are not great and she is suffering from depression (and was suicidal last year) and is now on medication and in therapy and things are greatly improving. She does not do drugs or drink - yes I am 100% sure. She totally stays out of trouble and is a really good kid. Her friends are also a good bunch of kids who stay out of trouble.
I appreciate all the comments - you guys rock.
I think for now I am not going to straight out ask her, but I will try and open up discussion with her and see where that leads. Even if to just reassure my feelings on the subject and my feelings for her.
Trippin, I am a counselor at Hamilton Center, comunity mental health center in Indiana, I currently work with teens who are caught up in legal problems. Most addiction issues. I have many kids who are gay. Most get into trouble and start doing really hard core drugs and distructive behavior at an early age when they feel they are not supported by their family. So your are right being supportive is the BEST thing.
I hooked most of them up with a gay teen mentorsupport program the teens that have supportive families are very well rounded kids. It looks like you already are supportive so that should't be a problem. You don't have to be obvious and put out the rainbow flag but keep an open atmosphere.
Plus your kid may not be gay. She could not really be sure or be bisexual. The best thing is, by your actions, let her know that you are supportive of her. It seems that you already are so that shouldn't be a problem.
2 of my best friends are gay and they onyl felt comfortable once their parents knew and accepted them. i'd bring it up with her
That's kind of what I was thinking. Maybe I won't ask her straight out but somehow bring it up so we can at least talk about it....
jsut make sure she knows that you are accepting of her decisions and wil lsupport whatever path she decides to take in life befrore bringing it up. i guess it all depends on how open you guys are with each other
Being from San Francisco, I have incredibly powerful gaydar. So I can tell you that your daughter is not gay. She may be leaning that way, but 15 is a very vulnerable, unsettled age. (I have a 15 and 17 year old daughters, so I speak from experience.) All you can do, all you should do, is show her in words and actions that your love for her is unconditional, that you're not prejudiced against gays, and that she should feel comfortable coming to you with any issue without you getting all judgmental.
jsut cause you have powerful gaydar doesnt mean you can tell from a short description if her daughter is gay or not. even if 15 is an unsettling time in a teens life they can still be gay especially when al ltheir friends are starting to date the opposite sex and they (the gay kid) realize that they arent itnerested in the opposite sex liek their friends so their star4t to question their normality. the rest of your statement i agree with though.
honestly, she's still really young and may not have a handle on it yet. 15 is what, a freshman in high school? I don't know how many sexual experiences you might experience by then, but really you're barely out of puberty at that point, and your mind is going through some wierd stuff. Just let her know you are supportive of her no matter what she is going through, and be there for her. It may take her a few years of experimenting to even know what she likes, so it's really impossible to tell at 15. Well, not impossible, but just a little unlikely.
Her tastes may change in regards to clothing. She may not be the type to be boy crazy, she may keep that stuff in. (Cuz those giggly boy crazy teens are hella annoying).
I am just afraid that bringing it up may do more damage than good, I would be afraid it may alienate her more from you. I know if my parents talked to me about anything regarding sex or boys or whatever I just clammed up and freaked out and got embarassed. But perhaps that was just me.
We treat mishaps like sinking ships and I know that I don't want to be out to drift Well I can see it in your eyes like I taste your lips and They both tell me that we're better than this
(which im sure you already do 
)
I do whatever my Rice Krispies tell me to...
